Little Rock Star

THREE!

2011-07-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

yesterday you turned three. There wasn't anything i could do to stop it - you just keep getting bigger and bigger every day.

Kid, you are frikkin' smart. I don't know, maybe all three year olds are this smart - that's entirely possible... you figure things out so fast, and you have such a happy demeanor, especially in the morning when you wake up and come out of your big boy room.

Your flash me that amazing smile and say in a cheerful voice; "Mom! The sun is up - Good Morning!!" - it's hard not to be a morning person with you around being so happy and junk.

You love your little brother. I'm so happy. I was worried that you'd feel resentment, but for the most part you just love hugging and kissing your little Artoo, and i can't wait to see you two play together. I hope you will always stay close. He's very lucky to have a big brother like you, who loves him and wants to look after him and take care of him. If i come out of this whole parenting thing with you two being friends, i'll know i've done a good job.

My little emotional boy, you feel everything so strongly. This, i think, will be both a strength and a weakness. i feel like your heart is near bursting with joy when we cuddle and kiss and play, but your poor little emotions feel the bad things strongly too. The other day in the car you told me "Mom, you broke my heart." WHAT? you were so sad as you looked out the window, and i wasn't exactly sure how i had broken your heart, but you certainly melted mine.

I cannot believe that you are part of me and part of your dad... that through the magic of biology we somehow created such an amazing boy as you.

i love you so much... even on the days when you drive me crazy and i want to run to the hills - Iron Maiden style. Speaking of music, you have definite tastes and strong feelings about what music is good and what isn't. You sing more than you used to - by yourself with your toys, in the car, in the bath, on the couch... and it's so freakin' adorable i think i might die sometimes.

Thank you for choosing me as your mama. As much as i can't wati to se you grow and learn and explore and do new things and become a man, i want to hold you and cuddle you and listen to your adorable 3 year old voice say things like: "Mama, i love you." or even as simple as "Mom! A mighty machine! over DERE!!" i never want you to figure out the "TH" sound... sigh.

You are magic.
You are brilliant and soulful and full of love and i am so very blessed to be able to watch you grow.

Happy birfday three year old boy.

Love Mama

Conversation with Chewie who is 2.5 years old

2011-01-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

Chewie: Here mom, i got this cookie for you
Me: I don't want a cookie.
Chewie: Don't worry, mom, it's okay. i'll eat it for you.
Me: You're a criminal mastermind!!

relief

2010-11-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

after 40 long days in the hospital, Artoo finally came home this week...

nesting.

THIS JUST IN:

2010-10-21T19:25:00.001-07:00

Shredded carrots on swollen, cracked nipples = Heaven.

that is all.

Artoo's Birthday

2010-10-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

I guess my body is not made for keeping babies inside 9 months.

B-rad and i went into the hospital at about 8:30 Saturday morning, and Artoo was born at 11:31 am. Everything was super speedy, and i went from 4 cm to pushing is about a half hour. It was so fast that by the time i was already pushing, the docs weren't even ready to catch the baby yet!

Artoo is going to be spending the next couple of weeks in Intensive care while he puts on some weight and gets stronger. He was born at 3lbs 15oz - and Preemie babies usually have to stay in the hospital until at least 5 lbs, so he's got a ways to go.

32 weeks and still going strong

2010-10-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well,
We made it this far!!

32 weeks - this is where we were when Chewie was born.

So far, apart from feeling enormous and tired all the time, i'm feeling pretty good.

he wants to bowl with the gangstas

2010-09-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

This is Chewie's new favourite song.
How do i know this? Because the second we get in the car he says; "I want White and Nerrrrdy Mama"
Or if we're sitting at the dinner table: "I want White and NEerrrrdy Mama!"

So, this song has been getting serious PLAY at my house. And when Chewie bobs his little head and sings along... ".....NERRRRDY!........NERRRDY!!......" it's too frikkin' cute.

He's getting more and more hilarious every day, and more and more conversational. It's hard to remember that he used to be a baby that did nothing but eat sleep and poop.

Really, though, this post is to distract me from the fact that i'm at 30 1/2 weeks right now. Only a hop skip and a jump from where i was when i delivered Chewie...so early. I'd be lying if i said i'm not TOTALLY freaked out. I am.

And it's made even worse by the fact that the past couple of weeks have been very uncomfortable. Last night before bed my stomach clenched and was hard as a rock! Braxton Hicks? and then early this morning, i woke up to crampy type pains on the right side of my belly, and today i am extremely puffy. So i'm chugging down the water, and trying to breathe and not think about it.

I have to focus on November 7th. That is the magic date - the date where i'm allowed to deliver at home... in water... as per my birth plan.

As we've not decided whether or not Artoo will be our last baby, there's always the thought of "This is it! This is the last time" for all these things. I just want to have a normal delivery. I don't want to look back and think that both times i did this i failed.

Okay, i know i didn't fail - that my body got Chewie out before things got really bad, but it's hard to go to that place when you're already emotional.

So, Dear Artoo.... Please hang in there buddy. Just for 6 1/2 more weeks. Then you can come! Okay? For mama? Thanks.

First Haircut

2010-09-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today Chewie had his very first haircut.

when he was born - they shaved his head to put in IVs in NICU, but that doesn't count...

He spent most of his first year almost bald - and then just like magic - overnight he grew all these adorable curls.

But after two years, it was time.

He's such a big boy now.

i am the diva's baby - Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

2010-09-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

Here he is, in all his ultrasound glory - my little squirmy worm.

Currently, i'm at just about 28 weeks...

Because Chewie was SO EARLY when he was born, i am a high risk for Pre-Term labour, and while B-rad and I have secured the services of a lovely Midwife to do the Home Birth thing, i still had to go and visit with an OBGYN to talk about the risks of preterm labour, etc.

So,

I had a few tests done, a swab to test for any weird bacteria - which came back clean..., Checked the baby's size progress - Artoo weighed 2 lbs at my last ultrasound which is awesome, and she checked the length of my cervix, which was showing at 4 cm, which apparently is good because they typically look for them to be less than 3cm as high risk.

Essentially, i walked out of that office with the words: "Hopefully i never have to see you again" still ringing in my ears... Now we have to keep this baby inside for the next 9 weeks... as 37 weeks is the cut off for the Midwives here to deliver in home.

Other than that, i'm tired. Back to the tired stage... and there's so much to do...

with our house in shambles from the flooding - and in the various states of repair, and all the cleaning and sorting to do, all the laundry... it kinda feels overwhelming. especially when i just feel like sleeping.

Chewie has been super clingy lately - and has been waking up with nightmares again. He only wants Mama in the morning, and has figured out the difference between Sad and Happy. So now he says: "Mama, i'm sad! Make me HAPPY!" and then asks for a hug... which is adorable, but when it's all the time it can be a little exhausting as getting my ever growing body down to his height for hugs is getting trickier all the time.

it's getting hard for me to leave him at daycare. Mostly because he just really wants to spend time with me - and when i drop him off he cries: "NO! Mama!! Don't LEAVE ME!!!" GAH! heart wrenching.

And i know that the days are limited for one on one time with him. My little Chewie. However, i feel that he will always be a mama's boy - and likely Artoo will want nothing to do with me, no cuddles like my Chewie. (if anything the baby astrology has told me about Scorpios/Sagg's are true)

Chewie has had a few successful attempts on the potty, which is terribly exciting. My family Doc told me, when she found out i was pregnant again, to not bother trying to train until after the baby came... because we'd just be back at square one as soon as the kiddo makes his way into the world. That was our plan, but Chewie started showing interest in the potty and actually going on it, so we took our cues from him. We're not really pushing him, but we do try every night after supper to see if he has to go. I think it will be much easier when i'm at home all day and will be able to help him get on a potty schedule. Daycare just screws with that.

So that's what we've been up to.

Oh yeah...

2010-07-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since i've been online - what with holidays and all...

but we're having another Boy!

Oh man...two boys....Lord Help us!

Good Day, and welcome to week 20

2010-07-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

Good day, 'eh?

Here i am, 20 weeks in to this pregnancy. That's halfway, assuming this little ninja baby stays in until 40 weeks.
What to report? not much. Life is pretty regular around here... get up, feed Chewie, get Chewie to the sitter - go to work...work...come home from work...feed Chewie...play...get the little dude to bed... then relax maybe? sometimes??

It's different, this second pregnancy. The first time i had lots of time to think about the changes going on in my body, i was really on this "What week" pregnant i was... This time, not so much. In fact, if it weren't for Roz, my midwife, telling me last week that i was at 19 weeks and one day, i would have had NO idea that i was almost halfway. So, thanks Roz!

I'm not noticing as much movement as i did with Chewie, but that could be partly because i'm more distracted. Or it could be that 20 weeks is still pretty early. I do feel the fluttery kicks every now and then... and last weekend - when B-rad was out for the night, i was pretty sure that Artoo was having a party in there... he/she has not been that active since, and B-rad STILL has not felt the kicking.

When we found out we were pregnant with Chewie, B-rad said he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby, he wanted to be surprised. So, i agreed - knowing that if i found out and he didn't, i would somehow let it slip and would ruin it for him.

But this time, i said it's my turn. We are finding out.
:)

And so this Thursday afternoon we have our 20 week ultrasound - to do things like check the position of my placenta (to see if it's low or not) and to measure... and to HOPEFULLY find out the gender of this little Artoo.

SQUEE!

Both B-rad and i have very strong "Girl" feelings. I admit, i thought Chewie was a girl - more so i think i HOPED he was a girl, but felt deep down he'd be a boy... but this time, i say "She" all the time, and i just think "Girl".

Don't get me wrong, a little Baby Burrito would be just as welcome and loved as a little Baby Taco... but it would be nice to have the complete set. The salt and pepper shakers.

If you'll look on the right at the top of the page, you'll see i have craftily devised some kind of Blog-poll where YOU the READER can take a guess. Even though the ultrasound is Thursday afternoon, i will leave it open until Friday - mostly because B-rad, Chewie and i are going on a 10 hour road trip to Winnipeg...

HAVE WE GONE MAD!! OH EM GEE!?!?!

should be good times.

so, go and vote! :)

Two Years Old!

2010-07-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Two years ago, my life changed in such an amazing and drastic way. You came into our lives early. It was scary. But you were brave, and strong, and oh so very tiny. Not even 5 lbs, i thought you were the tiniest most perfect creature i'd ever seen.

When you were finally able to be in my arms, i couldn't believe that your dad and i created you... Everything about you was so small. None of the clothes fit you, we had to fold the newborn diapers up just so they'd stay on your tiny little bum.

Slowly yet quickly, in a bizarre time vortex of long days and fast days - you were a year old. Everything you did was a new and amazing discovery. Your development was fascinating to watch. To be a witness to you learning about the world around you has brought so much meaning to my life.

Crawling, teething, walking, teething, talking,...teething; you made your way from Babyhood to Toddler-hood, bringing with it it's own set of challenges and joys. Babyproofing as we went, you learned about this environment called your home. As you grew, i remained positive that you were still the most beautiful Toddler out there.

My darling son, this week you took the leap and moved from my adorable toddler - to my little boy. My big boy who, when asked how BIG you are, proudly proclaims: "I'mmmmmmmmm TWOOOOOOO!" Two years old!

You are imaginative and creative, and when i watch you playing with your toys i can't believe you were so tiny once. You have this little toy phone, and you pick it up to call "Gamma" or "Lalex", sometimes i hear you in the other room:

"Hi gamma, wha you doin? Okay, yeah. Uh huh. Kay. Bye!"

You love your puzzles and no longer need any help with any of the pieces. You can do it by yourself. Even though you like it when Mama or Daddy helps you.

You love your "Buzz Yighyear" and you love to play cars... you'll drive the cars across the floor then park them in their 'house', a little wooden box.

This age is so magical. Everything is exciting! You love to go in the car, you like to hold our hands as we walk, you like to help me sweep the floor - even if you're just making more of a mess with your little broom.

At daycare you watch a lot of TV. I know because you know every single character on TreeHouse. While you do enjoying watching shows, some of your favourites right now are: "He-Man", and "Ni Hao, Kai Lan" but your all time favourite show is "Blue's Clues" - even better when you can watch it in our bed. How many times have you said: "Mama! Boos Coos Bed!" in the past few months? i can't even begin to count.

Not only are you developing your own personality - a stubborn one who will only do things on his terms (your grandpa and your dad will say: I wonder where he gets that from?) but you have a wonderful sense of humour, one that says; All Boy. Nothing is funnier than a fart, or the word "bum"... nothing is more hilarious than the same joke - over and over and over and over and over and over and over. But to hear you laugh, i am willing to play the same joke over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Your laugh lights up my whole day.

Your favourite books are:

"The Spooky Old Tree"

"Grumpy Bird"

and

"Hop on Pop"

And story time isn't just for bedtime anymore. We'll sit on the couch and read story after story, sometimes you help when you know the words, other times you just sit and listen. Book after book, we read. I'm so happy you love books. I know the places they will take you if you nurture that love.

There is nothing in this world that's better than when you run up to hug me and say: "I love you, Mama" There are no sweeter words in this or any other language.

Chewie, you keep growing up a little more each day. The little baby i knew is gone and in his place - an inquisitive, happy little boy who keeps me on my toes. I love you so much, and when you are cranky or having an off day - i try to remember that little babe i held that day 2 years ago. All too soon you will be a big boy who's too cool to hug and cuddle his mama. So, let's go read a book and cuddle in bed, and cherish it while we can.

Happy 2nd birthday, little boy. Love you, love you, love you. A million times and more.

Love,
Mama

Chewie Update

2010-06-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

On the OTHER baby front, Chewie is becoming quite a handful. Every day its a new battle as he gains more and more independence.

Diaper changes are a struggle, unless it's his idea and he comes and tells you that he pooped. Getting down on the floor to change him is getting trickier, and on the times when it's NOT his idea to be changed and he fights it, he does a lot of kicking - getting me in the baby belly every time.

He's really interested in the potty, he likes to follow us in there - and he likes to flush the toilet and watch as we wash our hands. However, he has absolutely no desire to sit on it himself, or on his own little potty... I can tell that he's getting closer to the training stage, but i'm wary of pushing him. He runs away to hide when he poops, and when he HASN'T told us that he pooped he becomes very possessive of his diaper. He doesn't want to be changed, he says: MY DIAPER!! NOO! MY DIAPER!! - and frankly, some days i swear i would let him sit in it if he didn't have such sensitive skin and was so prone to diaper rash.

Not sure how we'll tackle this... very gently, i suppose. I keep thinking it would be so lovely to only have one baby in diapers at a time, but then i think that i'd just get him trained, the baby would come and he'd revert back to square one. So many people i know had this happen to them. Is it worth the fight now, when he doesn't seem to be ready yet - just to do it all over again in a few months? Also, once i have the baby, i'll be at home every day and will be able to get him on a schedule or program. Any thoughts?

He's discovered that mama's pee-pee and daddy's pee-pee don't look the same and we've started trying to explain different genders to him.

He says "Good Boy, Mama!" when i help him with his puzzles... and i try to correct him with Good Girl and say Daddy and Chewie are boys, Mama is a girl. He'll get it eventually.

Other fun things include random temper tantrums. I know he's learning to express himself, but if he could hurry up and figure out what he wants, we'd be such a happier home.

Do you want cereal, Chewie?

NOOOOO

Do you want tost?

NOOOOO

Do you want yogurt?

NOOOOO

Do you want a banana?

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!......i want cereal.

Every morning. Only who knows what he wants... he certainly doesn't ...until after 10 minutes of naming random food in the house.

He also has decided that he wants to sleep in Mama's bed at night. This happened ONCE a few weeks ago when he had a super high fever, and now he wakes up at 1 am and says: MY Mama's BED!!! le sigh.

But it's not all bad. He really is mostly a happy little boy. He loves to laugh and giggle... and he LOVES running. He runs around the living room... he runs around the backyard, he runs in circles, he runs in straight lines...

he likes kisses, he likes to cuddle when he's tired.

He's a little parrot, so we're finally having to start watching what we say... last week when my brother was in town he was standing near Uncle Rico and Daddy, when Daddy said: Fuck yeah! and sure enough, a little squeaky baby voice repeated: Fuck yeah!

and yesterday when i dropped something on my foot i shouted: Dammit!

sure enough, a little squeaky baby voice repeated: Dammit!

every day is a new adventure... somedays i wonder what we were thinking having a second... but most days i think of how exciting it will be for Chewie to have a little brother or sister.

Artoo - update

2010-06-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow. I'm almost 20 weeks into this thing! That's halfway! Realistically, if i'm early again - i'm already OVER the halfway point... freaky.... so much to do....

There hasn't been much in the way of spotting lately... but then there hasn't been much in the way of Teh Sex either. Poor B-rad. My next Ultrasound is on the 15th, hopefully we'll get some answers...to the questions...and also to the sex. of the baby.

My friend asked about the weight loss that i mentioned in this post... she wanted to know what i was doing. In all honesty, i have no idea. i was fairly surprised when Roz said the scale went down.

All i can come up with is in my first trimester i was so tired i was in bed some nights by 7:30 - eliminating that pesky bedtime snack. This is something i'm trying to continue with. And also, this go 'round - i just don't find myself being that hungry. Not that i'm off any foods right now - thankfully. With Chewie i couldn't eat anything with Curry....which made me very sad. And also B-rad very sad, because that meant we couldn't order from Nutana Cafe and have their Curry Doug Special... delish. No problems with Curry this time though.

I don't know, i just don't get hungry. In my first pregnancy i would be hungry ALL the TIME! and it was like a switch...fine, fine, fine, fine...STARVING! This pregnancy i have to remind myself to eat some days. That's an odd, odd thing for me.

i likes me some fud.

Oh, and another thing... Sketchers Shape Ups! They effin' kick ass! I wear them every day, at first it was tricky, but now i hardly even notice. And the result of these amazing shoes?? My ass is tighter that it's ever been.... EVER... Like, i have a little bit of a bum! not just a flat pancake butt anymore! and that little roll under my bra, ladies - you know what i'm talking about - it's going away!! It makes me want to throw away every pair of shoes i own and ONLY wear these babies.

What else? oh, okay - here's something... i have extremely sore...nipples. OMG TMI!?

GAH! It's awful! Some days they just ache and ache and i feel like crying, and all i can do is hug my chest and hope that it stops. That phase can end, ANY TIME NOW!!

Artoo is kicking, a bit here and there. Still haven't been able to feel it on the outside yet, but i'm pretty sure i saw my stomach move the other night, so now i will have to make B-rad sit next to me with his hand on my belly...waiting.

Almost TWO!

2010-06-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

As Chewie gets ever closer to his second birthday (WHHHAAAT!?!? I KNOW!!) i'm discovering this wonderful little personality wrapped in a cuddly little screaming tantrum. He can be very chatty and once he warms up to you, he'll likely talk your ear off - or pick up a calculator, or remote control, or MP3 player, or monitor and call you on the phone...even if you're standing right there.

"Hi Gamma, Hi!! Hi Gamma! What you doing dere? Okay bye!" Adore..a..bull...

He likes to sing along to the songs on the radio. Last night he was singing along to Iron Maiden, even though he didn't know the words he'd just sort of sing the same sound at the end of each line. One of his faves to sing right now is "Let it Be" by the Beatles... so cute. if the little turkey would let me film it, i'd post it. too effin' cute.

Every day there's a new bunch of words, new expressions, he's like a little parrot. The other day we were in the grocery store and we were walking past the deli, as we were making our way to the produce section, some guy came up to the deli counter and said: "Do you have any more garlic coil?"

Which prompted Chewie to say: "Garlic COIL! Garlic COIL!!" all through the fruits and vegetables.

He's pretty hilarious, and his most fun game is to play on the "bed!"....

"MAMA! BED!! COME ON!!" and so we climb the stairs and he hightails it to our bed and jumps on top and pulls the blanket over his head and giggles like crazy. then: "Daddy!! come fiiiiiiinnnne US!" and then it's "Mama! Dark!! Come on, Mama!!" and i have to hid under the blanket while daddy makes his way up the stairs to 'fiiiiiiiiinnnne us'.

He's not the best at hiding, which makes it extra hilarious for us. He could have 3/4 of his body outside the blanket, but he's where it's DARK!... and of course, the squealing and the giggling as daddy get's close but doesn't quite find us...until...

"FOUND YOU!!!" and then Chewie rolls around and giggles and laughs and pulls daddy down onto the bed and suddenly all three of us are hiding in the dark and Chewie is trying to stiffle his excited laughter...

good times.

Ladies and Gentlemen - I give you: Artoo

2010-06-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, there the little pumpkin is, in all his/her glory! Our newest little peanut, who we've named for Interweb purposes, Artoo. Artoo and Chewie... you'd think we were big Star Wars fans.

Anyway, currently i'm at about 16 weeks and a few days - give or take. I don't know why, but with this pregnancy, it feels like it's taking FOREVER!! i remember with Chewie how the time seemed to just fly by. But not this time. Four months in and i'm already ready to meet this little squirmy critter.

I am mostly blaming the time lag on Chewie, haha. On top of being tired/pregnant, chasing after an almost 2 year old doesn't help.

I've been feeling pretty good, apart from the tired thing, although one morning this week i inexplicably threw up in the kitchen sink while Chewie at his shreddies. Don't know why, don't know where it came from, but i felt just fine afterwards. Hm.

B-rad and i were able to secure a midwife this go 'round. And so far i've met with her twice and am so happy that i'm her very capable hands. Dr. X - the same doc i had with Chewie, is just too busy to give me the care i need. With Roz (my lovely British midwife) i never feel like i'm inconveniencing her with any questions. She answers all of them, no matter how silly they may be. I met with her today, actually - and we went over my ultrasound results. At this last ultrasound i was pretty upset that i couldn't see what was going on. B-rad said he could see Artoo moving around and stuff, but when it was my turn to see and the technician turned the screen my way, all i got was still images. I wanted to see the squirming. i think i will mention something next time.

ANYWHO - One fun thing is a 'spot' on the top of my uterus, which may or may not be a fibroid of some kind. It could be nothing, OR it could be something. Too soon to tell, so we have to wait for the next ultrasound.

She says i'm doing really well, all my stats are good, my tests results are good... i'm even losing weight! (in a healthy way!) Yay me!!

I also got to hear the little heart beat today...swish/swish/swish/swish. Apparently, the swishing sound is actually the pulse in the CORD! Then, badum badum badum... the HEART!! soooo coool....

As far as birthing, we're going to try for a home birth in water - assuming everything goes well and i make it to 36 weeks. Only 20 more to go. B-rad may actually be able to Catch the baby!! that'd be cool.

There have been a two spotting moments in this pregnancy...but both times have been after...uh...y'know, the sexy times? So when i spoke to Roz about it today, she had a few ideas. One could be that both times it would have been generally around the time when i WOULD have gotten my period... another idea is that my cervix may be irritated by the sex, which can cause a bit of spotting, or another possibility could be a low placenta. In all cases, the moral of the story was the same: It's too early to tell right now, we will know more at your next ultrasound (which is in about 4 weeks)... in the meantime, we've been advised to lay off the sexy times... :(

it MUST be a girl. giving me stress already, etc. etc. lol

not one of my finer moments

2010-06-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

okay, someone needs to tell me how to deal with the temper melt downs, because i have to admit - i'm not handling them well.

and while we're at it, if someone knows a way to make an almost 2 year old refrain from screaming everything at the top of his lungs, that'd be helpful too.

i can feel that my patience is wearing thin and its kind of terrifying.

Tonight while getting better for bedtime, Chewie was absolutely having a screamfest meltdown. we were on the floor and i was trying to get his diaper changed ...he reached out for me and pinched my throat with both hands. I was just at the end of my rope, and what i did...sigh... i was so frustrated i just growled loud and long and terrifying.

picture that scene from Monsters Inc where Sully is put on the spot to do a Scare Demonstration and little Boo is hiding by the bed and seeing his full monstrosity is terrified and starts crying and runs away. Well, the look on his face is ingrained in my memory forever... and the way his lip quivered and his cry...

not one of my finer moments.

i spent the next ten minutes holding him and while we both cried, rocking back and forth on the floor... me whispering "Mama loves you, baby. Mama's sorry. no pinching, baby, okay? mama loves you. mama loves you."

Help? anyone? please??

happy mom's day

2010-05-10T15:25:00.001-07:00

My mother's day was a quiet one. B-rad and Chewie took me out for breakfast, where we ate as fast as we could, because eating out with an-almost-two-year-old is like eating out with a ticking time bomb... where a meltdown lurks around every corner.

It was tasty and delicious, and when we made it back home - both the kidlet and i helped ourselves to a mid afternoon nap. Heavenly.

It was a quiet morning followed by a quiet afternoon reading story books, going to play in the backyard, more story books... lunch... some putting together of puzzles in the rumpus room, having pizza for supper, more stories, bedtime cuddles and songs... then a phone call from my brother wishing me a Happy Mother's Day - a call to my mother who was not at home, and a call to B-rad's mother where we learned that all the boys and their families were there...and we were not... eep!? which made us feel like first class assholes, but we didn't know everyone was heading out there! :(

After all the phone calls were made, we settled down to enjoy my Mother's Day gift: Coke Slurpees, Oreo Ice Cream Sandwhiches, and Where The Wild Things Are on Blu-Ray. A good day.

Oh, and also?

B-rad and i are expecting our second baby.
He or She will arrive at the end of November.

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all my sister-moms.

words he uses

2010-04-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

Chewie is a full on blabber mouth. He doesn't stop talking. Even if its repeating one word over and over and over and over and over again, he's always sayin' something.

What we're struggling with right now is how to get him to stop saying some things.

"GO 'WAAYEE! You Go 'Waayee!!" Yes, our son tells us to go away so many times in the day i couldn't even guess at how many times.

We've tried a few methods to get him to stop this.
We've tried ignoring him
We've tried actually going away (<--leading to cries of "Mama!" "Daddy!" then we return only to have him tell us to go away again)
we've tried time outs (which lead to crying about being in time out, then when time out is over we get a smack and told to go away...again...which leads to another time out...wash rinse repeat)
we've tried gentle conversations about how that's not a very nice thing to say (this worked for about five minutes)
we've tried angry bursts, screaming jumping up and down and pulling our hair out... (sorta - they were mostly out of frustration on a really hard day, but this did nothing to help)

So if anyone has any awesome tricks of the parenting trade, we're willing to try new things as the old things seem not to be working.

Also, a few funny things - we try so hard not to laugh...

yesterday Chewie was in his highchair, after lunch and was saying: "My...cock. My....cock. My...cock." i looked at B-rad, both of us trying not to bust a gut and whispered: "what is he saying?? do you understand what he wants??"

Turns out My...cock means; "my Cloth" as in, "Mama, Daddy, I'm ready to have my hands washed with my cloth so i can get down and go play"

another good one:
B-rad and Chewie were playing drums; Chewie was sitting in a stool playing the Guitar Hero drum kit, and B-rad was on the floor beside him. Chewie would bang on the drums, then with a drumstick point down at Daddy and say: "No...dick. No...dick", which was hysterical, especially when he said: "I assure you, i have one. ask your mom." When really, all Chewie was trying to says: "Daddy, you have no drum stick, as i - clearly - have them both."

And this morning:
"Mama! Dyke. Mama! Dyke" as he pointed at the stairwell wall... i looked to see what he was pointing at and i replied, "Yes, honey. That's the light switch."

from the mouths of babes, eh?

Stay at Home vs Working Girl (no, not THAT kind of working girl, perv)

2010-02-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

OH lordy.

It all started this morning on Facebook when a friend of mine mentioned that he did the cover for the March issue of the prairie dog, and i so i wandered over to check it out and also read the cover article - which touches on feminism and Stay-at-Home parenting...

As a result of the first friend's update another friend of mine stated in her status update that she was a member of the Opt-Out generation, referring to that article:

“There’s been this great anxiety around what the media is calling the Opt-Out Generation,” she explains. “We have all these women who’ve benefitted from feminism or benefitted from the women’s movement, and benefitted from changes in American social institutions and cultural institutions. Benefitted from it in terms of being able to go to school, go to university, be successful, get great jobs. There they are in their mid-30s and they’re lawyers and they’re doctors, and then they try to manage that with family. And a lot of women are choosing family."

Now, i just think it's unfair that if a woman chooses to stay at home, she gets labeled 'opting out'. It just sounds so derogatory... like they're letting the rest of us down. So i said as much to her;

i hate that SAHM's are considered "Opt Out"... it has such a derogatory tone, when i personally think that if you can do it financially, there's nothing better for you and your kids than to stay at home. at least for the beginning stages. Kudos to you, madam

and we had a lovely conversation, as she was just beginning to make the move from all the time at home to beginning a part time job - and how it can be tricky to balance the guilt of wanting some 'me time' and not being with the kids 24/7. So i offered up my experiences leaving Chewie at daycare and how i still feel the guilt, and the mixed emotions, and it's been almost a year! it was nice.

unfortunatley, as is wont to happen on public forums such as facebook - someone had to jump in and hijack the conversation - and it became this all out war of sorts... the SAHM vs the Women Who Chose Careers... it left a bad taste in my mouth.

It felt a little like getting my wrist slapped for being such a bad mother for putting my kid in daycare...

she said, and i quote:

i'm a SAHM and I wouldn't trade it for the world. To think of someone else raising my babies, just make me quiver. I think that if you're gonna have a baby (with a few exceptions) you should be fully prepared to stay home and take care of it. mother or father. having a child is a responsibility, and to many people have their babies and then toss them over to a daycare and then down the line wonder where they went wrong!

gah!?

So according to this woman, having my child in daycare makes me an irresponsible parent who 'tossed' my kid in some daycare, and because of this he will inevitably have problems in the future... well, to that i say: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW!? actually, i said it a little more eloquently than that... luckily. but this is my blog, so the eff word stays.

it really just steamed my dumpling.

i talked about this a little in my previous post about owning my parenting stylez - WHY do women feel the need to act and or feel superior to other women, especially regarding parenting?? i know that we all have strong feelings about our parenting styles, because we all love our children. But there has to be some allowance that other people's styles are okay too!

My financial situation dictates that in order for us to keep our mortgage paid, our utilities paid, food in our cupboards and, most importantly, our awesome health benefits (mine are better than b-rad's) i need to continue to work. When someone has the sheer audacity to imply that i'm an irresponsible parent because of this fact, is pure and utter bullshit. I do not love Chewie any less than SAHM's love their kids because he is in daycare.

Please don't get me wrong, though. There is nothing i would love more than to be able to spend my days with my little guy, but for right now, i can't. Why this person felt the need to barge in and call me down, i don't know. Maybe she secretly wishes she wasn't a SAHM and is trying to make herself feel better? i'll never know, because she's just some random person who, after i post this, will have no other effect on my life...whatsoever.

What about you guys?? have you run into this problem before?? how did you deal with it. I Can't we all just agree that we're all just doing the best we can? Afterall, i don't remember pushing a "How To" Manual out with the placenta - but then Chewie was early, maybe that happens in the 8/9th month??

Growing Vocabulary! There will be a test after.

2010-02-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the words coming out of Chewie's mouth these days:

Melmo (elmo)
Meeaw (meow)
ewboa (elbow)
Moosh (moose)
annie bum (auntie pam)
dish? (what's this?)
poopee (puppy)
PEEPEE (Well, that one's pretty self explanatory, i think)
Hewwow! (Hello!)
Byeebyee (byebye)
Nah-Nah (Night Night)
GO! (go!)
noshe (nose)
eyeees (eyes)
Kaw Kaw! (bird)
Moo! (cow)
Payy! (play! <-- generally accompanied by him handing us some type of musical instrument)
jooos (juice)
da-dun (all done)
doh noo! (don't know!)
Boosh (boots)
kar (guitar)
brroom (car)

Every day brings a new word. This age is so fun.

2010-02-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

[image credit]

These are the moments when i feel so utterly privileged to be a mother.
Chewie is at the stage where he likes to hold hands.
So we run all around the house, holding hands.
He wants me to be close enough to him at all times, close enough to reach out and touch.

In those moments I am truly happy.

Owning my parenting style...

2010-01-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

So here we are, 18 months into motherhood. What have i learned thus far on my journey into parenthood? Quite a lot, actually.

I've learned that

there's a 4 am: Seriously? even when i was a party going bar star* i didn't believe that this 4 am thing existed. *i was never a party going bar star, but i was pretty sure that the world stopped after 2:30
you get used to the smell of poop: i'm not saying that you enjoy it, or want to create a perfume out of it, but the urge to gag and the OHMYGODTHATSTINKS isn't as bad as it was pre-children.
you hear yourself saying things like: "it's just pee.": what is this puddle? Oh, it's just pee. we're fine..... AS OPPOSED TO WHAT!?
Routinely picking my child up from playing and shoving my nose into his bum area is just another day at the office: Hey, is that MY kid that smells? Nope? Okay! Carry on!
you just get used to being covered in various bodily fluids. It becomes part of the Mom Uniform - that and sweat pants: I've come to decide that any woman who calls herself a mother of a toddler who actually looks put together and is wearing nice lipstick may quite possibly be a space robot, and their children should be avoided as they will inevitably try to suck your kids brains out. beware.
I have a lot more patience than i ever thought possible, and conversely, i have no patience. I will sit with Chewie for HOURS (Read: fifteen minutes - because that's currently the extent of his attention span) and colour, or read the same book over five times, or help him put on daddy's boots - take off daddy's boots - put on daddy's boots - take off daddy's boots, and i am sometimes amazed at how i (sometimes) am able to handle the tantrums. However, put me in a movie theatre next to some stupid teenager, or on the road with moron drivers, or GOD FORBID, in the mall... my patience is very slim - and if i am able to be at any of those places SANS baby, you can bet your sweet ass i don't want to waste it in line while you decide, like, which type of frappaccino you want, like ohmigod, did you see becky at that party?
it's okay to let go of the 'ideal mom' and just be the mom i am.

the last one is a biggie.
When i got into this whole parenting game, i had such high hopes and ambitions of doing it all 'right' - giving 110% and being the best mom that Chewie could ever have.

Here's the thing, there are a lot of ways to be a bad mom, but there also isn't only ONE way to be a good one.

There are a few things that i'm proud of with Chewie - that i had a doula, who was fabulous on the birth day, that i was able to deliver Chewie without drugs, that i was eventually able to nurse him and sustain him for almost a whole year, that i was able to make all his baby food, that i learned how to soothe him with infant massage.... to name a few.

Mother's to Be have all these expectations, and Mothers that Are have all this advice and ideals and can be pretty judgy and preachy - and it's a lot of pressure. One, to live up to your own expectations, and two; to try to fit yourself into this *MOM* mold that the world thinks is THE WAY TO BE A GOOD MOM

I've learned that i really have to be gentle with myself and to forgive myself those expectations that i didn't quite meet.

I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but when mat leave ended - we just couldn't afford it... so i went back to work. I felt guilty and still do, when i take him to the sitter's and he cries and tries to block the door so i can't leave. It still breaks my heart. But not being a stay at home mom doesn't make me a bad one.

I may have wanted to put Chewie in cloth diapers - but in the end, i couldn't do it. I know myself and how hard it is to keep up with my OWN laundry, let alone the laundry of the new baby PLUS the cloth diapers. I felt guilty about this for a long time before i was able to just let it go, telling myself that i knew myself better than anyone. Yes, i know the benefits of cloth vs disposable - but i just had to let myself let this one go. The fact that he's wearing disposable diapers does not make me a bad mom.

I tried to avoid the loud and flashy baby toys for the simple reason that they annoy(ed) the piss out of me. I had to let this one go when i saw the way Chewie's eyes lit up and how much he loved playing with his little boom box. Letting him play with loud flashy toys does not make me a bad mom.

I admit to, on more than one occasion, plopping Chewie in front of a Disney movie with a bowl full of Goldfish crackers so i could lay on the couch. This doesn't make me a bad mom, in fact - i would argue that those few minutes of solace on the couch make me a better mom, because i'm less likely to murder him if i can sit down for a few minutes. ;)

There is so much pressure on women to be successful in their jobs, to be independent, to keep a spotless house, to be a great chef who provides nutritional well balanced meals for her family, to be a wonder mom who teaches and plays and clothes and launders and bathes her children, and then to top it all off to have the energy and the desire and the GAMS to be a super sexy LOVE goddess in the boudoir... Does anyone EVER achieve this?

Honestly, i haven't shaved my legs in over 3 months.

There just isn't hours in a day to do it all, unless i start snorting coke.

I know that i have been a promoter and a pusher of the things that i have found valuable in my experience (i.e. natural birth, breastfeeding, etc.) and one friend of mine told me, quite defiantly, that she fully planned on getting the epidural and was planning on formula feeding. I told her that i could never judge her for what works for her, and no one should. She knows herself better than anyone. And i really felt awful that she felt that i would think less of her for that. It showed me i need to rethink the way i phrase some things.

and who's to say that had my son been born on time and not 8 weeks early that i might have caved and asked for the drugs. He was 4lb 11oz when he was born, so yeah - it hurt, but not like a 9lb baby would! And as for breastfeeding, well, that almost didn't happen for me - it took a lot of hard work and a lot of will power and a lot of desire and patience to make that happen.

But in the end, if i had HAD to have a C Section, or use drugs, or formula feed... or use disposable diapers, or sometimes let Chewie sip beer, or use the TV as a babysitter so my mind doesn't fly away - this doesn't mean that i'm a bad mom.

So, i've decided to own my parenting style.

To take the pressure off....to stop trying to fit myself into this mold that...well, doesn't fit.
To share advice, but not judge someone else's parenting style.

YES, sometimes i let Chewie eat CrackDonald's french fries - because they're my vice, and i'm also teaching him how important it is to share...so it would be hypocritical of me not to share with him...

But i love my son. I hold him when he cries, i tickle his toes, i read him books, we colour together, i chase him around the house, we giggle, we laugh, we hug and kiss, and i know that i am being a good mom.

Eighteen Months

2010-01-05T19:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Chewie,

Today you are eighteen months old. One and a half years. While every stage with you has been an adventure, i am really enjoying 1 1/2. You are hilarious. You are finding things that amuse you, you have a very clear sense of what you want, and what you don't want, and you are beginning to have the capacity to TELL us what you do or do not want.

There's a new word every day, as you sponge up everything around you. Some of your words are:
mamma
dad
may-na (Maynard, your giraffe)
Downdog
done
DOWN!
Mine
NO!
uh-huh
NO WAY
Cinda (the cat)
**added yesterday: WaaEEE, EeeeAaa. (WallE, Eva - guess what we were watching)

and many other words i'm sure you're saying, but i haven't been able to decipher yet.

You cut another tooth Christmas morning, finally. It had been almost six month since your last tooth and i can't believe how easy it was to forget the process of teething... but now we're back in it again, along with constantly red and chapped cheeks.

Right now, everything is a guitar. ESPECIALLY the guitars. You started rocking out a couple of months ago, headbanging and rocking the 'horns' when ever your dad or i put on heavier music... but just recently you started singing the guitar parts... and the song of choice? every single time? "Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeath. So effin' cute. Our little Rock Star.

But it hasn't been all laughs and giggles and squeals and games of "Chase mom and/or dad around the Loveseat". This may be the most trying stage we've been through, because we KNOW you understand us when we ask you to be nice, or gentle, or to not hit or pinch, but you continue to do those types of behaviours when you're acting out or not getting your way. My dad jokes, naturally, that you and I are a lot alike. Hm.

We've started using the 'naughty step' which has had some mixed results, but hey, you're only one. It's a constant struggle to remember that You're ONLY one!! (and a half) but the flip side of that is that we're starting to expect more from you because you ARE one. Not that i'm expecting you to clean your room or vacuum between the cushions just yet...

Your mama had a rough couple of months there, and sometimes your unexpected big sloppy Kiddo kisses are the exact dose of happy that i needed to get through the day. My little angel-boy, you make me so unbelievably happy sometimes. I just can't get enough of you. I try to remember on those nights when you're awake in the night from nightmares (sorry, you got that trait from me) that i won't always be able to snuggle you in the dark, to feel your chest moving with mine... to be the calming soothing touch you need to relax... but i will always ALWAYS want to.

I'll love you for ever

I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

Love mama

HEY! Internets!!

2009-12-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

So,
on top of the craziness of festivus, and the maybe-maybenot of chewie's new teeth which may or may not one day actually pop through those gums and give us all a bit of relief... we are faced with the gross itchy dry skin of winter in our household. And not only that, but Chewie's little cheeks get so red and dry and chapped, and sometimes even crack and bleed. I don't know what to do for the poor little dude, i don't like putting lotion on him, cuz even the baby lotion makes him cry - i can only imagine the sting. I have put some calendula on his cheeks, and that seemed to be helping, sorta.

anyone have any magic mom tidbit to help me out here?

Dear Chewie

2009-11-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Chewie

I'm amazed at how fast you are learning these days. You still only have a few words that you can speak that we recognize, but your comprehension of words increases daily! Not only comprehension, but retention as well. Only two days ago i showed you where your elbow was and you still put out your little chicken wings to show us "Where's Chewie's Elbow??"

I love your passion for adventure, and you seem to have no fear! Your favourite game is running into the bathroom and closing the door behind you. I would have thought you wouldn't like the dark, but it doesn't seem to be an issue for you.

"Peek a boo" has taken on a whole new level of fun when you discovered that YOU could HIDE and be the one peeking. Anything you can find to cover your face... a blanket, a coat, the curtains, your hands... and your laugh when you do the BIG REVEAL is priceless.

Not only have you been busy discovering this world around you, but you have been busy developing more facets of your personality. From the big pouty lips to the PROUD FACE when you accomplish something, you have been dubbed The Most Expressive Baby I Know by your Grandma H (who has seven other grandchildren!)

The other day while waiting in line at the drive through with your big cousin Meegz, we were rocking out to some loud metal music, and when i looked back at you in the back seat i saw you were dancing, waving your hands in the air - like Air Drums!! Since that moment, everytime a Heavy song comes on over the waves, you have to rock out with your drums, just like mom and dad do!

When you're playing downstairs in the Rumpus room, the first thing you do is run over to one of the big speakers and put your head up close and then look at us and do air drums until we turn on the stereo and you dance around the room. Your love of music is very exciting to us, and we're already pondering what type of instrument you might play. Certainly the drums, you have amazing rhythm for someone who's a baby, but you've also really taken an interest in the guitar... you definately have access to them - there's one of every floor of the house - not including your ukelele and the guitar hero guitars.
The struggles we're having right now all focus on tantrums and hitting/pinching. We're not really sure what to do or how to go about correcting this behaviour right now. We've tried everything from pinching when you pinch, to crying when you hurt us (which worked for a while) to ignoring you when you get aggressive. It is very frustrating, but i can only hope its just a phase...and that you will grow out of it and be the gentle sweet baby you were last month.

You still only have six teeth (four on top, two on the bottom) and the last time you cut a new tooth was around your birthday in July. Then we plum forgot about those little chompers until these last couple of days when i clued in that your crankiness was also being accompanied by red cheeks, drool, and mild fever/runny poops. You won't let me anywhere near your mouth and some days you hardly eat - even cold or frozen food can't entice you. I hope that tooth that's bothering you cuts through soon. Poor little dude, there's nothing worse than seeing you in so much pain.

You test your boundaries more and more every day, which is funny and frustrating at the same time. As much as we feel like you might be murdered, we can't imagine our lives without you.

Love
Mama

a kwestshun

2009-11-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

Hey folks,

how do you know or decide when your little munchkin is ready to make the big move from two naps to just one?

Chewie is 16 months old now (14 months corrected age) and some days i think maybe he's ready - but then when we try it out...Oh Em Gee, the terror that ensues.

When did your kids move from 2 to 1? and how did that transition go?

a post...

2009-10-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Dear internets,
i have been amiss these past weeks... life - y'know how it is... but a friend sent this to me today, and even though i'm not all about forwarding emails, i thought it was worth a read... enjoy..

Laura

The test for "Child" readiness.

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the brand new suede sofa you just special ordered. Oh, and hit those windows and gorgeous window swags too. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there until next August.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and shove it under the front of your dress. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the person behind the counter to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase your favorite golf or fashion magazine. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Try keeping your voice down when you repeat the same thing to them 50 times.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. Keep a smile on your face as you do so.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while

pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Turn over the keys to your BMW and buy a mini-van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Slide it into your DVD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can do a better job. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Why Puff the Magic Dragon Made me Weep

2009-09-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

(originally posted on iamthedivablog.com)

Okay, so... a lot of celebrities have passed this year, and i generally try to stay away from posting about these people like they actually meant something to me on some level, because other than the fact that i knew who Farrah Fawcette was, or had a lot of Michael Jackson albums before he went all wonky, or even how i fell in love with Patrick Swayzee in Dirty Dancing and Ghost... i have nothing really relevant to say about any of these people.

really, i have nothing of relevance to say about the passing of Mary Travers from Peter Paul & Mary either, except that when i was driving home in my car yesterday i wept.

like i was saying, i was driving home from the doctor yesterday and was listening to CBC Radio2 and of course everyone was talking about the death of Mary Travers, who died after a long battle with cancer - and i learned a lot in those few minutes; about her life, how she grew up in Greenwich Village in the 60s, and how the group Peter Paul & Mary and their song "If I had a Hammer" was so influential in the sixties...

In tribute to Mary, they played - not "If I Had a Hammer", but "Puff the Magic Dragon" and i thought "Hey! I haven't heard this song in, like, forEVER!"

So, i cranked the volume up to eleven and sang along the best i could with my gargly voice and clogged sinuses.

Happily i imagined Jackie Paper and his dragon playing very much the way i imagine Chewie plays with his giraffe Maynard. My heart warmed as i placed my very own son in the role of Jackie Paper, frolicking in the autumn mist with Maynard by his side.

Having adventures and travelling on a boat with billowed sail, fighting pirates...

I smiled as the nobles kings and princes bowed when er' they came.

I was so engrossed in this imaginary land, watching my son play in my mind that when that third and final verse started, it hit me in the heart with a wallop.

A dragon lives forever,
But not so little boys.
Painted wings and giant rings
Make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened,
Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon,
He ceased his fearless roar.
His head now bent in sorrow,
Green scales fell like rain,
And Puff no longer went to play
Along that cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend,
He could not be brave,
So Puff that mighty dragon
Sadly slipped into his cave.

How many times have i heard this song over the course of my lifetime? The innocent and beautiful wondrland i was painting in my mind suddenly took a turn as i imagined Puff standing on the shore of Honalee waiting for Jackie to come. His heart breaking, wondering what he did wrong, while Jackie grows up and become a man and leaves Puff for good...

Is there nothing more heart breaking than a depressed dragon who is aching for his friend? In the end, when he slipped into his cave, i couldn't stop the big fat tears that rolled down my cheeks as i pulled into my driveway. I parked the car and leaned on the steering wheel crying into my lap as the full weight of the words washed over me.

oh.

this bittersweet thing that is growing up.

I am not naive enough to think that Chewie will never grow up and leave me, but suddenly there it was... one day, i would be Puff, and Chewie would grow up and while he would always love me and always have a place for me in his heart - I won't be the best number one playmate. The best hugger. The best snuggler. The "mommy".

One Day, Chewie will stop calling me "Mama" and start calling me Mom.
Then i will know, Jackie Paper will have come no more.
And i will be brave, but inside My Puff will sadly slip into her cave.

The lesson: To do it now. Be his Puff now. He will grow up too fast.
Thank you Peter Paul & Mary

The Toddler Update

2009-09-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

Ever since Chewie became mobile there has been a flurry of activity at Chez Diva.
Not just the ever moving baby, but also picking things up that he pulls from where ever they are, constant moving of things to higher planes, baby proofing on the go!

This new found Independence has also led to all sorts of bumps and bruises as he learns to navigate the world from 2 feet up.

Just yesterday his head had an encounter with the driveway, leaving a very nasty goose egg on his handsome little face... a tumble down the stairs gave him an owie lip... this morning he misjudged the distance between himself and the chair and wound up biting his little tongue... (he does not like the taste of blood, and tried spitting it out, but that hurt his tongue with caused more tears) and today at his friend X-Man's house, he knocked his noggin on the corner of one of those old school chests. Another goose egg to match the first.

but he's a fairly strong little trooper - and cries for a few moments, gets a cuddle and some hugs and then is off and running again. Torn between being adventurous and cautious, he teeters around the house... when he gets off and running the look of pure glee on his face is priceless! So proud of him self.

There is no more feeding the boy. Everything must be done himself, and for a while there he was content to just eat with his fingers, but eventually he realized that we were using forks, so dammit - he wanted a fork too!

He generally stabs at the food and if he ever gets anything on there he's so excited he waves the fork, and the little morsel of food that fell prey to the prongs of the fork goes flying through the air.

Stairs are no match for Chewie. He is a master at going up AND down...as long as he remembers to crawl down them, and not attempt to walk down the stairs. To show us how good he is, he will climb all the way to almost the top, then go back down to almost the bottom - look to make sure we're watching - then all the way up to the top again... and repeat.

I am beginning to fear for our cats Kozmo and Cinda. Before they would just walk away whenever Chewie got too close, but now that he can walk, it won't be long before he gets running... and chasing those poor kitties.

Daycare was an adjustment, but he's starting to get the hang of it, i think. My favourite part of the day is showing up to get him and the big smile he gives me when he sees me.

there are definate times when i wish i was still at home with him every day, but seeing him interact with other kids every day and learning to share and be social is a lesson i'm glad he's able to learn now.

We should change Chewie's name to Christopher...

2009-09-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

because he's Walken!!

Tuesday Toot.

2009-09-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find balance, lately, between being a mom and being a wife, a friend, a spouse, a sister, a sister-in-law, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, and auntie.

Having almost all my extended family living close by has been simultaneously a blessing and a curse. Where - in all of that - does a person find time for herself?

So, i've taken up trying to Push my way through the program outlined in Julia Cameron's book, "The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity" and one of the challenges is to get up a half hour earlier to write 3 pages of Stream-of-consciousness writing - nothing fancy, it's not even good! Just as long as it is three pages, it's okay. Using this form of writing as a kind of active meditation has really cleared my head. And even on days like today where my eyes are so heavy that i can barely keep them open, i really try to keep going... i know i'm not there yet, but i can feel something in me shifting. I think it's giving myself permission to be a creative person.

From the book:

"...never ask whether you can do something. Say, instead that you are doing it. Then fasten your seat belt. The most remarkable things follow"

Anyway, i have been getting up early for the past three weeks and having a half hour of quality me time - no baby, no husband, no work, no phone, no tv - just me, my notebook, my pen... and three pages of terrible writing. ;) and that's okay.

**visit my review blog for a sweet giveaway ending Sunday!!**

tonsils...

2009-08-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

In the grand Scheme of things, Chewie is a very happy - smiley baby. So, when my happy smiley baby turns into Crankster McCrankypants we know that something's up.

It started yesterday, came on really fast actually. We got him up in the morning and he was hot hot heat. Yes, he was. Feverish all day - with Ibupr0fin on and off all day. He was drooling like a crazy mofo... like, more so than any teething episode.

Grouchy, but so cuddly... we didn't do much yesterday - in this FINALLY GORGEOUS WEATHER except hang out together on the 'big bed' watching cartoons and snuggling.

Little Man Chewie wouldn't eat... all day, barely touched a thing, save for a few goldfish crackers and a formula cookie... We started wondering if his throat was sore, because he stopped swallowing all together. He'd drink a bit from his bottle, then it would all drip out his mouth seconds later.

It was late, and he was tired, so we put him to bed and he slept through MOST of the night.

This morning B-rad went fishing... if it had been any other kind of summer, i would have insisted he stay home with me - but the summer was SHIT!! so he only got out fishing, like, twice.

I took Señor Sourpuss to the clinic this afternoon - and the doctor was awesome, so great with Chewie. He showed me how to feel his glands, and they were swollen... "It's definitely his tonsils"

So... Chewie not only inherited my good looks, my dashing smile, and killer eyes - he also inherited my pitiful tonsils. Joy.

After attempting to administer amoxycilin to a squirmy screamy unhappy bébé - and having a mini heart attack when he began to SERIOUSLY choke on it (because he was so unhappy with the whole medicating thing)... his face turned purple, he stopped breathing... and i was just about to blow into full on panic mode when he coughed up the flemmy goo that was stuck in his throat.

The coughing fit that followed was awful, and he practically passed out of exhaustion afterwards.
He's sleeping, now... with the occaisional squeal.

I can only hope that this doesn't become a frequent event, this tonsilitis, but with my own health history - it's fairly likely... i have abnormally large tonsils. It's true. Every doc i've ever seen has told me the same: "Wow! you have abnormally large tonsils!!" and i've always been succeptible to throat problems... let me tell you - when abnormally large tonsils get inflamed, they swell so much they MEET IN THE MIDDLE... which is not too fun and hinders important things, like... oh, i don't know... BREATHING!!

i hope my little munchkin doesn't inherit that from me....

Memories

2009-08-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Beautiful, slobbery, open mouthed baby kisses
Hysterical laughter when daddy tickles you, or wrestles with you
Some of the things you say: Dah-Ooo (thank you), MUM!, Dadadadadadadad,
MMMMMmmmmmmBAH!
The almost magical sound of your voice when you sing "Iggle Piggle" in the backseat when you think no one's watching
Your popeye face
Your toothy grin
HUGS
Cuddles

sad sick little boy

2009-07-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

Chewie has now been a daycare baby for over a week.

I have no idea of whether or not the little guy is adjusting because he's been sick for the last two weeks.

Seriously, like, its just one thing on top of another... and i'm waiting patiently for him to feel better.... lets go through the gamut, shall we?

Tuesday 7th - Receives his 1 year immunizations.
Wednesday 8th - First day at work for me, first day of daycare for Chewie. The verdict, daycare has a PUPPY, so he could care less that as i was leaving him, my heart was breaking... i cried all the way to work...
Wednesday night - he starts feeling the effects of the first shot, and is awake all night. Fevery and achey, nothing new, much like the last times. However, he does not sleep and there for neither do i.
Thursday 9th, Call in sick to work and call in sick to Daycare while Chewie recovers.
Early Friday morning 10th, my brother's baby is born - Chewie goes to daycare, is fine but has sniffles
Saturday 11th, full blown cold for the little man
Sunday 12th, PINK EYE!! That's right, pink eye. So, off he goes to the doctor... He has a fever all night and still has his cold so he has a hard time sleeping... i find out that Pink Eye is very common with the Measles... so the fever + pink eye corresponds with the measles/mumps vaccination...
Monday 13th, Chewie stays home from daycare with pink eye. Daddy stays home with him, even though he makes more money than i do and doesn't get paid sick days... i couldn't call in sick a third day in a row.
Tuesday 14th, Chewie is feverish all day at daycare... and attempts to chomp my hand off... hm....
Wednesday 15th, feverish all day at daycare, falls asleep on the living room floor, not napping well, not eating well, still has terrible cold with snotty nose... i put him to bed at 6:45 and he slept until 10:30 - i went in last night and he was boiling... hot hot hot... so we cuddled in bed and he was droooooly... so shall we add teething to the mix? might as well... he is also, likely reacting to the chicken pox vaccine, which - i'm not even sure he should have received... they certainly never asked about that one, i thought it was voluntary? dunno.

He slept all night and this morning was pretty mellow... i'm really hoping that he starts to feel better, cuz it sure breaks my heart to see him so sickly...

aw. little sweetie pie.

LIfe

2009-07-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

The late great John Lennon once said: "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans" and today i am reminded of that again.

My niece is born. She is beautiful.

She is enormous. 11lbs 10oz 24" long.

She was too big to come out the front door, so they had to section her out.

My brother's girlfriend, Stef, is amazing.

But because of the size of the baby, after the section the uterus would not contract.

Stef lost half her blood volume.

They couldn't stop the bleeding.

A decision was made.

To save Stef's life, they had to take her uterus.

She is 24.

But, the silver lining is my gorgeous niece.

The silver lining is that Stef is still here.

The silver lining is that i was able to be there for my brother while she was in surgery.

Twelve Months

2009-07-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

My darling baby boy, today you are One! Hard to believe that one year ago today you surprised us all by making your debut eight weeks sooner than we anticipated.

I can still remember the first night, you were a floor below in the NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit and i was recovering in the Maternity ward, and i felt as if a huge part of me were missing and even though your dad slept on the floor next to me, i felt so very alone. To have you inside me, growing and living through me, and then to have you gone and not even in my arms was such an emotional shock to me, i was so overwhelmed. As i showered that night, i sang your lullabye and cried - letting my sobs drown the water...

To look at you now, you would never know that you were early, except that you are a bit behind in a few developmental milestones. And those aren't even apparent until you're playing with the neighbour's son who is eight days younger than you.

You have the most amazing smile, it lights up your face and your little pointy chin and your big round noggin', and it seems that you've just taken off in the last couple of weeks! Everything around you is a new adventure and i feel priviledged to have spent the last year with you. Your personality is developing new and exciting facets as you find things funny, or sad, or happy, or frustrating.

At long last, my little one, you are crawling with the best of 'em. A few tries crawling in the bathtub and you got the hang of staying on your knees cuz it kept your head above the water. After you figured that out there was one day of trying it out on dry land - and you were off. You lost all interest in walking with our help, and as you gained your independence suddenly you needed to be everywhere, looking at everything, and "what's this?"...."hmm, what's in here?"..... "where does go?".....

questions questions questions.

And while you can't yet verbalize, i see it on your face as you examine the world around you. When i say verbalize, i only mean fully formed words because you definitely have been trying your hand at speech. In the space of days you went from a few babbly sounds to full on attempts at speech. When you go down for bedtime, we can hear you talking away to your giraffe, Maynard, telling him about your day.

When you playing you keep discovering new sounds and the new things that your mouth can do. You're practising with tone and inflection, and sometimes you truly sound as if you're having a conversation! When you talk to your toys I often wonder what is going on in that brain of yours, what you're thinking, and what you'll do next. Oh, the places you will go.

Over this year you have completely turned my life upside down and inside out and i have NEVER been more tired, more physically and mentally drained, or more happy in my entire life. You have taken our home and made it vibrantly alive. You changed your daddy and i from a 'couple' to a 'family' and for that i will always be greatful to you.

As i have fallen in love with you over and over, so have i been falling in love with your daddy. You two are just two peas in a pod. Everything is better with Dad. He knows the games you love to play, he knows the way to make you squeal and laugh, and you both light up in each others presence. Thank you for opening up that side of your father. I love to see you two together, whether you're chasing each other around the couch downstairs, or playing EXTREMEM Peek a Boo... or just sitting together reading a book. It makes me so happy to know that you two have a strong bond.

There's no better smell than the top of your head when we cuddle before bedtime. The magnitude of love i feel for you puts me at a loss for words and any attempt i make to describe it feels weak and inadequate.

You are the best part of my day, the shining apple of my eye, the beat in my heart, you make the best parts of my life better.

And it keeps on getting better. Happy birthday little man. You are so very very loved.

Love always,
Mama

Agony.

2009-07-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

Last night, as i was laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, i started going over the things i need to do in the next couple of days, one of those things included calling Chewie's daycare. Then i started thinking about all the thing i'll need to get ready for this big change.

Then i started to think of my sweet little boy, and how much i love his happy smiley face. And i started missing him, even though he was only across the hall. I started to think about how i won't be the one to go in and get him up from his naps, i won't be the one he gives those "Hey! i'm awake" smiles to as he stands in his crib, bouncing up and down with excitement.

If he falls down at daycare, and he looks around for me for a hug, i won't be there. I won't be the one to cuddle and snuggle him with a bottle before his nap.

I couldn't help the tears that flowed down my face, as B-rad asked me what was wrong i admitted that i felt i was abandoning our baby to a perfect stranger, and i feel like he'll forget me, or he'll realize he doesn't need me the way he used to.

I don't know how i'm going to get through that first day. Luckily it will be a short week, that first one back. But still.

My heart is absolutely breaking.

I knew, going in, that at some point i'd have to go back to work - and i avoided thinking about it for almost a full year. Maybe i should have been preparing myself mentally, or even sending him to Daycare a few days a week for us both to get used to the idea. I just didn't want to even let it cross my mind that my one on one time with Chewie would ever end. Now, i'm paying for it in this incredibly sad shift, it will be a shock to my system.

Someone please tell me it gets better, that this is the right thing, that he won't forget me or love me or need me any less. Tell me he won't feel like i've abandoned him, i don't think i can bare that.

2009-06-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

In two weeks i'll be back at work. I know, the last year has just flown by, and as much as i hate to do it, i have to start preparing my life for the huge change that will be daycare and job. sigh. I have been avoiding this for the last 6 months but with only 2 weeks left before Chewie's birthday, i can avoid it no longer.

The plus side is that daycare is only 2 blocks away, and i've heard nothing but good things. Still, leaving my son with strangers doesn't particularly make me all giddy inside.

Someone asked me the other day whether or not B-rad and i were going to have another baby, and if so, how far apart did we want them to be. My initial answer was: "Yes, and about 2 years apart" and then i started thinking about the fact that 2 years apart means we'd have to start seriously thinking about baby #2 in the next 3 months. ACK! i can't even process that right now, i mean Chewie is finally at a really fun stage - he's got personality, he's hilarious, he smiles and is such a chatterbox, and he's very mobile and starting to gain independence. I can't imagine doing all this right now, going through the motions of early pregnancy, and hauling him around when i'm as big as a house....

so, from right here - 2 years seems awfully close, but i don't really want them much farther apart because i'd like them to be playmates. Such a conundrum.

What about you guys? How far apart are your kids, how did that play out during pregnancy? I need all the help/advice i can get as that "3 month" marks is getting ever closer.... time to start planning again!?

Eleven Months

2009-06-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Oh what a month it has been. After your stomach bug that landed you in the hospital we found out you were anaemic. The doctors words were: "His iron level is very low, not low enough that he would need a transfusion, but low." So, we made an appointment with our family doctor to talk about your low iron levels. I was confused because you eat a lot of red meat, and have been since you were about 6 months. At least 2 ice cubes of red meat a day, sometimes more.

You're moving so fast these days, hard to get a good shot!

Apparently, babies store iron in their bodies in utero and live off those stores for the first part of their live until its supplemented in the food they eat. Well, i didn't take into account the two months you were early you weren't able to store iron... So, you've been low on iron all this time and i didn't even know. Looking back, now that i know the signs of low iron, it's very clear - yellowish pale skin, dark circles around the eyes, low energy, low weight. And because i was making all your baby food and nursing you, you weren't getting iron from formula or pablum.

Finally enjoying the sun, going for a walk with dad

So we continued with the red meat, but added iron-fortified cereal in the morning, iron-fortified formula, and 1ml of Iron Supplement 3 x a day (as per doctor's orders). After a day or so of super increased iron we could see the results. Almost immediately you were happier, more playful, and you began to really pack on the pounds getting rolls on your thighs and a big round tummy... a fat little baby, just like you're supposed to be.

Once we had that all figured out, i really started pushing the formula and after i just decided that today is the day - you took it after a minor struggle. It seems that's the way it's gone with a lot of our big steps... the day i decided we'd move from the nipple shield to the breast, the day i decided i wasn't getting up in the night anymore, the day i decided you were going to learn to drink juice from a bottle... all those things were not easy, but after one day of fighting you figured out whatever new skill i needed you to learn.

You are truly your father's son...mmm...beer....

The sad thing about moving you to the formula was that after you were getting it fast and with minimal work, you were no longer interested in nursing. It took too long, and to be honest, there just wasn't enough in there to satisfy you. So one day, just before you hit the eleven month mark, i offered you the breast 3 or 4 times that day and each time you refused. And just like that, you were weaned. You haven't looked back, but i have. I never thought i would miss nursing you, but i do. I miss the cuddle time, the bonding time, the way you would reach up and pat my cheek while i was feeding you... and the way you'd look up at me and smile with a big milky grin.

CRASH!!

I'll tell you what i don't miss though; sore nipples, biting, let-down, having to nurse you in the 'family bathroom' at the mall... i do enjoy the freedom to continue doing what i'm doing by just giving you a bottle.

In the mobility department you have really taken off. The little scoot is getting better and better all the time and as proud as i am, i'm beginning to miss the time when i could put you down on the floor, run upstairs and get something and come back to see you where i left you.... but those days are GONE. I'm beginning to realize just how NON-BABY PROOFED my house is. Thank you.

Chewie and Mommy, Mother's Day 2009

You are growing so fast now, and i find myself being trapped between wanting to keep you a tiny little baby forever and being so excited at every new stage of development. My year with you is drawing ever more to a close, and as sad as it is, i'm starting to believe that you'll be fine, but it will be me who will have the hard time adjusting.

You are amazing.
I love you.

Love Mama

On Vomit, and Poop

2009-05-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Over the past 2(3) days, i really feel that - if i haven't earned my Mother Badge before, i have it now.

A nasty bug has infiltrated our house and home, but decided to only hook its grimy little pinchers into the weakest, most vulnerable, and cutest member of our household. Poor little Chewie has spent the better part of the last 2 days sick sick sick.

Tuesday morning at around 5 am, i woke up to hear Chewie making noises, followed by coughing. I went in to check on him and he was limp and so tired, he rested his head on my shoulder and fell back to sleep. I took him to my bed and we laid down, him sleeping on my chest, for about an hour or so.

When he woke up, he seemed happy enough, just kind of listless. So, i nursed him, and he was good until he puked up every last drop of what he just drank. This was the start of what the day was like. I continued to keep an eye on him, his temperature was slightly elevated, but he wouldn't eat, and he wouldn't drink... he wouldn't nurse either. This worried me. I kept feeding him bits of juice/water here and there, but everything i put in him, he brought back up again.

I would have taken him to the Minor Emergency Clinic, but we actually had a Dr. appt for that afternoon anyway, a NICU check up at the hospital Paediatric outpatients clinic.

Poor little guy, it was tough because we just don't have the communication. I can't reassure him other than to hold him while he cries, and to wipe away the vomit and rub his back. sigh.

At the appointment, the Doctor said he didn't like Chewie's colour, and was worried that he was getting dehydrated (as was i) so he sent us downstairs to the Pediatric ER for some blood work and Urine sample - apparently little boys are prone to bladder infections and kidney infections.

So B-rad, Chewie and I spent approx 4 hours in the hospital Tuesday night. Poor little dude. The upside is that we were able to get him to drink a full bottle of juice and water so he didn't need an IV, but the downside was - we had to hold him down so they could get enough blood for a sample. I don't know why that didn't occur to me when they said the words 'blood sample' for some naive reason i thought they'd just poke him with a pin and take a slide of blood and that'd be it.

Oh god, it was awful, again because of the lack of communication... and i'll never forget the look on his face as he screamed at being held down... the look of "Mom! Why aren't you helping me? Don't let them do this to me, mom! Don't!" it kinda chokes me up even now.

But that's not even the worse part, because he wouldn't pee, so they couldn't get a urine sample... which means.... CATHETER! Now, i think i may have written before about how this is a learning hospital, as most university hospitals are... but i think we may have gotten the D student Nurse. And if we had known that a student would be putting in the catheter, i'm pretty sure we would have said something. Needless to say, this was the worst nurse i've ever seen... and poor little Chewie screamed and screamed until he started losing his fight, which was awful to see him give up. FINALLY the other nurse said: "Just take it out. Take it out!" because the stupid nurse kept pulling it out, and putting it back in, and pulling it out and putting it back in, cuz she's a fucking moron. My poor screaming baby, with the tube going in and out of his little pee-pee even attracted the attending Doctor who watched the moron who was hurting my child.

B-rad and i were less than impressed.

The actual nurse told us that they'd put a bag on him, but if he didn't pee in the next 15 minutes, they'd have to try the catheter again.

They walked out of the little cubicle, i looked at B-rad and said; "what the FUCK was that?!"

GAH!

So, long story short, he didn't pee - but i overheard the Pediatric Doctor telling the Stupid Nurse that she was doing it all wrong and that she needed to do X Y and Z with little boys and then something about "next time", so B-rad and i were all ready to demand someone else try the catheter when the Peds Doc came in and declared that he would do the cath. he was in and out in less than a minute.

i mean, okay, i know that everyone has to learn sometime, but not on my fucking kid, especially if you're clearly a goddamned idiot.

So, blood tests were negative - except that my boy is anemic, which is kinda frustrating because he eats red meat twice a day... like, 2 ice cubes full at least, sometimes more. The doctor said that this may be why he is so pale, but the levels were high enough that he wouldn't need a transfusion or anything, that he could sort it out on his own.

And the urine test came back clear, so no kidney or bladder problems... the long and short of it: He has a nasty bug.

So, we took him home and cuddle the hell out of him. The upside at this point was that he hadn't vomited in over 4 hours, the downside... he moved into full blown diahrrea.

So, that night we set up the play pen in our bedroom to keep him close by, but didn't end up using it because the only way he'd sleep was on my chest... which means that I didn't sleep. Well, not very well anyway... and B-rad has been working early so he has been getting up at 5... so in an effort to let him get some sleep i took care of the baby solo, which was very exhausting to say the least.

Yesterday i did nothing except change poopy diapers, and try to sooth the diaper rash that has taken up residence on his little bum. He wouldn't nurse at all yesterday, and not for a lack of trying either. The only thing he'd drink was apple juice and water, and he did manage to eat a bit yesterday. But i spent the bulk of it with him either sleeping on my chest or sitting in my lap.

This morning, after a good night sleep (for both of us) he seemed a littele more like himself, although still fairly cuddly. He had a more solid poop, hooray, and he had some breakfast and has been generally happy.

As i type this, he's waking up from his nap. He looks like he needs a hug.

Ten Months

2009-05-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie

Hallelujah ~ its finally nice outside!

Mmm, we're having a picnic! And all i brought was this post card!

We've been managing to get out into the sunshine more and more, thank GOD. Our new thing is to walk up and down the driveway {with me holding your hands} while we wait for dad to get home from work. It's funny how in the space of one month you went from tentative step, not sure exactly what to do, to lifting your knees high up in the air and MOTORING. I can feel the excitement in this new found (somewhat) mobility. I know you just want to GO, and to go on your own, but you're still so wobbly. I can feel that it won't be long before you're teetering around the house or running at top speed.

Hanging out with Grandpa, giving out the High Fives!

This past month you did stand on your own, with no help from me or dad, or anything for that matter. It only lasted a few seconds, but it happened. You kept your balance! Now when we play on the floor in the morning before your first nap, i really try to work on that balance - i know it's in there. Usually you're too excited about the cats, or the window, or the toys on the floor, or me to focus long enough to stay balanced, but it's a work in progress.

allllllllmosssst.... allllmosssst.... GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!

Speaking of progress, you've been spending more and more time on your belly this month and spending less of that time screaming! I think you're finally getting the idea that if we put something you want just out of your reach, you can figure out a way to get to it. No, you're still not crawling but you are beginning to use your legs to push yourself around, a lopsided scoot. This is still a relatively new development, so i'm sure we'll see more of this in the next couple of weeks. Dad continues to force you to sit on your knees, and you're starting to not mind as much, now if we could just get you to use your arms as well as your knees, we might be on to something.

I know that everyone says: "You just can't wait for them to crawl, and then you'll be wishing they were immobile again" so i'm really trying to cherish the time we have on the floor together. It's my favourite time of the day... you've just had breakfast and you're happy and babbling and full of hugs and cuddles.

Hey, if i had something on my face, you'd tell me, right?......right??

Speaking of breakfast - we just started giving you Puffed Wheat a few days ago, and i can't believe how much you love them! They're just the right size for you to pick up, and they stick to your fingers a bit... but you just devour them! It's fun to watch you develop your fine motor skills! This month also involved re-learning how to drink from a bottle. You used to do it just fine in the first few months of being home, then you stopped and would have none of it. So we really had to work on it again. I wanted to make sure that you'll take a bottle when i go back to work, and while you won't take formula, you will take a bottle of water with about a tablespoon of apple juice in it. Mmmm, hydration.

he's got the general idea... just need to work on the direction...

Okay, so raspberries are in full effect these days. You've done them before, but now they are enhanced with 50% more spit!!! Yeah, you spray it everywhere, but it's still so dang cute. You're working on different sounds, more and more each day - you've got mamamamamama and dadadadadadadada going for you already, but this month brought "hiiiii" sounds, as well as "babababababa" or "naanananamaanana" or "behhh!" or "oooooh". You've also started grunting again. It's really quite hilarious, and i'm trying to catch it on film, but as always as soon as i bring out the camera or the video camera you stop whatever it was you were just doing and stare vacantly at me. sigh. But it's not just the grunt, it's like a full body grunt accompanied by a chest flex. Like you workout or something. Very manly. Very hilarious.

smiling at my daddy, he's the greatest daddy ever!

I've been training for my triathlon this last month, so most of your bedtimes are spent with daddy. It's nice, because you and dad get some quality bonding time - playing, making new games, reading books, singing. It's fun to watch you two together as you get more and more interactive, and more excited to be with him. He is a great daddy and his face lights up when i bring you into our bedroom in the morning to wake him up for work. I can see you two being two peas in a pod, and i'm imagining the fun times you'll have together as father and son. You really are his pride and joy.

This is my thoughtful pose. I'm thinking about the economy and investing in mutual funds

You've been teething again, which has been ~~exhausting~~ awesome. Nothing has popped through the surface yet, but you're general crankiness, pink cheeks, need to bite, and drool are the tip offs. Those days are hard, and all i can say is thank god for Infant M0trin. In times like those i think back to the days before over the counter pain meds and wonder how the human race survived the teething stage at all? It's a mystery i will never fully understand.

nom nom nom...giraffes, the other OTHER white meat...

Two more months and i'm back to work. Boo. It's really a count down now, and i'm trying to savour the moments. But each day goes by so fast! We found you a dayhome, just a block from our house, but the thought of leaving you with a total stranger every day makes me very sad, and i try not to think of it. The only thing that consoles me there is that our friends have been taking their son to the same dayhome for the last two years and have nothing but great things to say... to me, that speaks volumes.

...all you need is love...

As much as i look forward to the things to come, i am so glad that i'm able to be here and enjoy the stage you're in now. I always want to be in the moment, and you help me to do that. You rock, little dude. And i love you so much.

Love Mama.

Victory!!!!!!.........?

2009-04-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked Chewie's first day standing UNASSISTED!!

Granted, it was only for 2 seconds and he didn't know i wasn't holding on to him anymore... but STILL! That's gotta count for something, right?

Oh, and on the crawling front, still will NOT tolerate being on his tummy, and even though he kinda gets the whole scooting thing with his legs, he refuses to bend at the knee or do anything, really, except put his face down on the floor and scream at the injustice of it all.

poor guy.

Happiness Is...

2009-04-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

...walking into your room in the morning saying: "Who's In Here? Who's IN Here!??.....MY BABY!!! Hello Baby!!" you kick your legs and giggle and give me the best smiles every single time.

...the sheer joy you exude

...the way you love the cats, even though they are fairly indifferent towards you.

...preserving your memories in a scrapbook, cuz i'm totally a nerd that way.

...watching your dad play with you. You're very lucky to have such a great daddy.

...the way your chin sticks out when you smile

...eating your toes

...the soft spot where your neck meets your shoulders, and nibbling there

...watching you play and discover the world around you

...the way you grin when you walk to something or someone (with a little help from mom, of course), you look so pleased with yourself.

...the way your eyelashes glisten when they're wet with tears

...the smell of your hair

...cuddles

...the tiny hairs that cover your body, but especially the ones on your ears that light up when you're properly back-lit.

...la la la la la la la la la....... and the other fun noises you make.

...your fascination with ceiling fans

...watching you learn to blow raspberries and covering us all in spit in the process

...the way you constantly wave your left arm in the air... even more so when you're excited about something

...discovering motherhood with you

Tuesday Toot

2009-04-07T10:30:00.001-07:00

What have i done that's noteworthy?

Well, for starters, it was Chewie's 9month birthday this week signifying that the girl who can barely keep plants alive has successfully been a parent to a LIVING HUMAN BEING for nine months already. Where does the time go?

Also, i have been able to (so far) write Chewie a letter each month archiving his milestones and achievements, both his and mine. (see my sidebar)

ALSO... i managed to get back on a bicycle after crashing and burning and cracking my elbow 4 years ago, and i did NOT die and i did NOT crash... but i was still very tense. i'm getting better all the time, right?

I also spoke to three perfect strangers this week, and went for a walk with my new neighbour... all things that are hard to do when you're shy and not good at small talk.

Yay me. i rawk.

Nine Months

2009-04-05T13:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Chewie,

So, it's been nine months and here we are at the point where i was going to say something clever like: "You've now been on the outside as long as you were on the inside," but that ship sailed way back at your seven month letter and i missed it! :) ah well.

This month we've managed to get outside of the house and actually do things outside instead of just going from one place to the next. Yes, actual fresh air and Vitamin D! The first such occasion was your first time on the sled your Great Grandpa M gave you for Christmas this year, which also happened to be on one of the freakin' windiest days of all time. It was Stupid Cold, and yet, we all trucked out to Hilly Side for your cousin Eric's birthday/toboggan party. You even rode on a snow machine for your very first time with your dad and your Uncle Doug.

Uhm, Mom... it's really really really REALLY cold out here, can we go home now?

I know that i've said you were long and skinny before, but this month it really began to show. In fact when you went for your last RSV Vaccine, you had actually lost half a pound this month! I measured your height and you only grew a half inch, and when you're only 15 lbs to begin with, losing a half pound is a lot of weight to lose.

nom, nom, nom, nom...

I figured that something like this might happen because it's been such a struggle to get you to eat this month. Every meal time was like Battle time, where in i would generally give in to you and give you a cookie so you would AT LEAST EAT SOMETHING... (don't worry, it's a pablum cookie). I imagine that your aversion to eating had not as much to do with your distaste for food as much as it had to do with the fact that, this month, you cut your second tooth. Hooray! Now you have both bottom teeth, which is pretty darn cute, and you have one wicked bite, letmetellyou. ouch.

Snuggled up with his Sleep Sheep

You have an amazing laugh, which you are seeing fit to share with us more and more. One of my favourite things right now is laying in bed, the three of us, early in the morning before your daddy goes to work. Well, i should say that the fact that you decide to be awake for the day at six in the morning is very much NOT my favourite, but the silver lining is the family time. I don't know why it is that you've decided to switch your internal clock back an hour. Don't you know we live in Saskatchewan and we don't do the Daylight Savings thing here?? Please go back to sleeping until seven... please??

Aside from the waking up early thing, you still aren't sleeping through the night like you did a few months ago... i call those the golden nights.... I don't know whether it's your teeth bothering you, or growth spurts, or what, but we went from 0-1 wake ups a night to 2-3 wake ups. Oh yeah! Another development milestone is that you TOTALLY HAVE the rolling from your back to your tummy thing. The only thing is, you seem to only do this when you're in your crib, trying to sleep... and ultimately you wake up so very very unhappy to be on your stomach. Your dad and i have taken to going in and rolling you over onto your back and hoping that you'll just find your way back to sleep. Sometimes this works. Sometimes. It. Doesn't.

Can you say Ladykiller?

Vocally, you seem to be enhancing your talents, continuing to try new things, new sounds... you've had a lot of fun with blowing raspberries the past few days, and you still enjoy babbling when we motorboat your mouth with our finger. But its the stringing of sounds together that i'm finding fascinating. And in the past month you've said Dadadadadad and momomomomomomomm, much to our delight and to your confusion as to why we're so excited. You have no idea.

The first half is just smiley happy, the second half is babbly motorboaty.

I've also noticed you have been picking up on some of the signs we use in the house on a day to day basis. It didn't take you long to associate the sign for "Change" with having your diaper changed, you picked that up right away...but the other signs have been coming along a bit slower. In the last couple of weeks it seems that you've started recognizing the sign for "Milk" and when i do the sign and ask if you want a drink, you wave your left arm frantically in the air and start smiling and almost hyperventilating. I'm almost certain that you actually asked for milk last week when you were tired and ready for a nap. We keep on keeping on, but it's pretty excited to think that we may eventually have some form of pre-verbal communication. Yay us!

Yeah, i totally make this sweater WORK!

A definite highlight of this months development is the high five. So awesome. You only started doing it a few days ago, but you totally do it. Almost every time i put my hand out and say: "Gimme Five!" you do. That's cool. You continue to find new and hilarious ways to keep your dad and me entertained.

Cutest. Kid. Eva!!!

Still no crawling, and no scooting, and still the general dislike of tummy time of any kind... your dad has been working on getting you to kneel, which you also don't care for, and i have this awful feeling that you're going to just SKIP the whole crawling thing and go straight for the full on run. You have also declared bottles to be for chumps, but will not take any beverages from a sippy cup. No, unless it's coming straight from me, you prefer your juice in a big boy cup like mom and dad's and generally end up drenched.

We had your first excursion out in your stroller - sans car seat, which was exciting but kinda bumpy as we got lodged in some melty-snowy-mud.
We almost had to turn back, but i put my shoulder to the wheel and pushed along.

We purchased your first pair of baby sunglasses which are totally adorable and you generally keep them on, mostly because i put them on you outside when the sun is shining on your face so you get why they're important. We have gone for walks by the river and you even went to your first movie at the Theatre (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Movies for Mommies).

Future's so bright... he's gotta wear shades.

As a mom, i'm finding it amazing how much more energy i have now that it's spring, and getting out and doing things seems exciting and adventurous. I can't wait for all the fun things we'll do. I love you. love you. love you.

Mama.

bathroom related tidbits

2009-04-02T11:39:00.001-07:00

some things i thought i'd never have to say before becoming a mother:

* B-rad: "Honey!" he calls from the baby's room while changing his diaper
Laura: "what?"
B-rad: "Come here! You have to see this!"
Laura: "See what?"
B-rad: "He's pooping! It looks so weird!"
Laura: "Yeah, i've seen it!"

* "Don't pee on mommy!! And for that matter, if you could refrain from pooping on me too, that'd be just swell"

* "Hey! Where did this poop come from!?" in response to random poop found in the house

* singing to the tune of Mexican Hat Dance: "do-Doo do-Doo do-Doo!! We don't Poop in the Bath!!!"

* while changing a diaper: "Aw, C'mon! puh-lease don't try to eat your poopy diaper!"

tuesday toot.

2009-03-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

i signed up for a triathlon all by myself with no running buddy, even though i am terrified and stupidly shy, and i am horribly out of shape.
it's something i wanted to do, and even though it scares me - i'm doing it.

The Happy Nap.

2009-03-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

ah, if only every naptime was as easy as this.

SOMEONE decided that it would be a good idea to be awake and ready to start the day at 5 am this morning, instead of the usual 7 am. Okay, so i wasn't ready.... and neither was B-rad, which leaves only one person... i'm looking at YOU Chewie.

Instead of getting up, i brought him into our bed to cuddle and nurse for a while, and then at about 6:30 he decided enough of that and started talking to himself, chattering, making cooing noises, grunting and growling... essentially telling us that if HE was awake, then by gum WE should be too.

So, we gave in and played together as a family in bed this morning. So very nice. Yes, a few more minutes of sleep would have been nice, but it was even more rewarding to see Chewie grabbing B-rad by the face and smiling and laughing.

The rest of the morning routine went pretty much the same. Fruit and rice cereal for breakfast, say bye bye to Daddy, more breakfast followed by his pablum cookie, which he devours every time. Usually i use his cookie eating time to read emails or catch up on facebook cuz he's quite content and occupied with the mess he's making.

Then after the cookie came the whiney-boy. Right on schedule. Yeah, i BET you're tired Mister I'mgoingtowakeupatfive. So clean up, and out of the high chair. Now comes the fight. The I'm Tired But I Don't Want You To Know Cuz I Don't Want To Go To Bed fight wherein he puts his head down on my shoulder for 3 seconds then sits straight up and is SUPER FASCINATED by the collar of my shirt until his head gets heavy and he puts it down again. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

The upside to him being up so early this morning is that he was SUPER cuddly. He was pretty content to sit in my lap, snuggling, for a good 15-20 minutes. I figured i might as well keep him up for a bit more, hoping that he actually has a good morning nap (He's been waking up after an hour the last couple of days, usually he has a good 2 hour morning nap).

And when i finally took him to his room, i laid him down in his crib, and instead of the usual screaming and tears and WHY MOM WHY faces i usually get, he looked up at me and smiled his big gummy smile while i wrapped him up. i gave him his Maynard, and he hugged him close and again smiled at me.

When i turned off the light he was chattering to Maynard, probably telling him about how he tricked Mommy and Daddy into getting up early today. Little Turd.

He was out in about 3 minutes.
Nice.

Hopefully he stays happy and cheerful for the rest of the day, we're going to Movies For Mommies today with Jaimie and Little E (to see Benjamin Button)... is that asking too much?

fabulous

2009-03-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

while reading, what was, a very intense passage of the book i was reading at the time... at the kitchen table.... suddenly the silence of reading mommy and cookie eating baby was shattered by what was a very long and very juicy fart.

i looked up at the darling face of my firstborn, who is covered in cookie goo from eyebrows to toenails... and i laugh like i haven't laughed in a long time.

best part? he thought it was just as funny and we had a good old laugh together.

ah, the memories.

Eight Months

2009-03-05T08:08:00.000-08:00

Hit play to hear what i hear in my head every time i write one of these letters...

Dear Chewie,

Normally, when i start one of these letters to you i think to myself, "Wow, i can't believe how fast that month was!" Not this time, and it was even February - the shortest month of all... it seemed like forever.

February brought us nothing but a whole truck load of tears. Well, to be fair, it was really only the last two weeks that were awful, it feels like you've been sick forever. First the crazy vomit/poop day after you swallowed the pool water on Family Day, then this whole teething + virus + trip to the clinic + trip to the Emergency Room fiasco of the last week, which we've spent cuddling on the couch everyday because that's the only way you'll sleep. The only good thing i have to say about this last week is that you have FINALLY CUT YOUR FIRST TOOTH!! Good Lord in Heaven, i thought it would never happen. Now if only you'd learn to nurse without chomping down, we'll be a-okay!

Mooom!!! Get me out of here!!!

But it hasn't been all bad, i am just still so close to the badness, it's still fresh in my mind.

You continue to grow, longer and longer each day. It's amazing to me that you're still so lean - you little bean sprout, you - as your father and i were both little tank babies. At your last weigh in a week ago, you were a solid 15 lbs 9oz., and looooong. I started marking your height on the door jamb of the downstairs bathroom. 26.5". As you continue to get longer, your sleepers get smaller and smaller lengthwise, but still so roomy widthwise.

i love your tiny little legs, so skinny and cute!

You have spent a lot of this month experimenting with your vocal range. What you're capable of, how loud you can scream, how high, how growly, how it sounds when you gargle spit in the back of your throat, how you can pierce mama's ear drums, and yes - i even heard, once, an actual laugh come out of you! Not just the smiley squeal, but a bona fide laugh, and what brought it on? Your dad, bonking you on the head with a rolled up newspaper. Weird. You also figured out how to cough, which - when you first started doing it - concerned me when i could hear you coughing... But then i saw you cough and look to see if i was watching... then that little smile would appear on your face.... "haha," you seemed to say, "I was just trickin'!" you little stinker!

Hi!! Hello!! Look at me! Hiiii!!!

It's interesting to watch the little facets of your personality develop, and watching you figure things out and grow and learn and develop. Quite amazing, actually. You still don't enjoy tummy time, but now that you've learned how to roll from your tummy to your back, it's as if you're saying to us: "HA!! i'll show YOU!". You have rolled from your back to your tummy once or twice, but it seemed that once you figured out you were on your stomach you decided enough of that!

Seriously, mom? more pictures?

This month you also grasped the concept of 'sitting' all by yourself, and now will quite happily sit on the floor and chew on your wet washcloth - the only thing that keeps your interest for more than a few seconds. I'm amazed at your posture, such a straight back. That's how we're supposed to do it.

Play dates are more fun as you are becoming more and more aware of your surroundings. You look at your friend, Little E, and reach out for her, always for the eye - not sure why. It's fun to watch you rolling around on the ground, reaching for each other, and squealing and making noise, whereas just a short while ago you would only look at each other and cry when the other cried.

This photo reminds me of that painting of the Farmer and his Wife, lol. Where's your pitchfork?

I'm looking forward to the next phase, which i'm assuming will be mobility. I also fear it, my house it not near ready for a mobile Chewie. And things i have to start thinking about, like going back to work and finding daycare are looming over me as my year of mat leave is slowly coming to a close. I don't want to have to go back to work, i love staying at home with you, but it's a reality i have to face. I just really have to savour what days we have left, and take advantage of the time we have together. And now that we're into March and the days are getting longer, hopefully we can get some mileage out of your stroller and get about the neighbourhood.

Every day is a new adventure.

Love you, Baby!
Mama.

getting my hate on for hospital emergency rooms

2009-03-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

i hate Hospital Emergency Rooms.

Hate.

But, sometimes there comes a time in every mother's life where she has to buckle down and say "Y'know, this is not about me" and that time was last night. Chewie had been working on the same fever for over 2 days and i was getting concerned that he might be getting a tad dehydrated, and he was listless and not eating...and we could get the fever down with T ylen0l but as soon as it wore off his temperature would rise again. So, we packed him up and trekked him to the horsepiddle.

i really hate Emergency Rooms. Have i mentioned that? i have? hm.

Sitting in the ER, the Worry and Nerves were palpable, like a mist in the air and you couldn't help but walk through it. That shit gets in your hair and in your pores, on your clothes. As a person with an ALREADY over reactive stomach of nerves, it didn't take long before my insides were doing flip flops and spectacular high dives off an Olympic Standard Diving Board.

Not only that, but you can't help but sit and judge the state of every one's emergencies. Twisted ankles, heart attacks, stomach pain (guilty of that one just 2 short months ago)... and it's hard not to feel every one else's eyes on you thinking that your emergency couldn't be worse than theirs.

The thing with a sick infant, though, is that you tend to jump up the line. As we were waiting for the triage nurse to check Chewie's temperature, another family came in with a boy about 18 months who also had a fever. As the triage nurse said when she eventually did check Chewie's temp - after checking the other little boy (grrrrr, we were there first yadda yadda yadda) "It's the battle of the sick babies". Seriously? Then, as the thermometer beeped she said; "Okay, he wins" and we went from the waiting room, to the littler waiting room.

Inside the gates of ER we were greeted with a stench, like somebody shit their pants, and likely someone had. I don't think it's very easy to get rid of that smell. Maybe they could have attempted though, for our benefit, to spray a little Febreeze or light a match or something.

We were taken to the same watiting room that i was in the last time for my gallstones. weird huh?

After being assessed by a student with an awesome Taurus Tattoo on his left wrist, we waited, trying to keep Chewie awake for the doctor. He showed up eventually, a man in his sixties with his shirt unbuttoned, tie still tied tight, wearing jeans and dress shoes. He gave our son the once over and calmed our fears by telling us that it was nothing serious, but we were right to come in for an assessment after such a long fever.

We do have a Health Line that we can call in this province, and we did call there. After giving the nurse on the line our info, she terrified me by saying that she was trying to decide whether or not we should drive Chewie to the hospital or whether she should send an ambulance. It's so hard to tell over the phone, and they almost ALWAYS just tell you to go to the hospital.

We told this to the doctor, who reminded me of Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinnati, and he hearkened back to the days of Family Doctors, house calls, and Docs on Call. His opinion was that had there still been Docs on Call we mightn't have been sent in to the ER. Given the circumstances, a baby with a fever for a prolonged period of time could be a number of things, meningitis, or ear infections, or kidney problems. This particular time, the doc chalked it up to teething with a possible virus on top of that. With his immune system lowered from the teething it would be easy for him to catch a bug... and with him being 8 months, and a preemie at that, better to be safe than sorry.

I really hate Hospital Emergency Rooms. I hate the wait, i hate the stress, the worry, the wait, the eyes of other patients, the wait, the smell, the wait.... i really really hate them. but i'm glad we went in, because i knew i wouldn't be sleeping...i couldn't relax until i knew that he was going to be okay. I mean, what if he DID have something serious, and we waited and he got really sick?

My younger brother, Patrick, got really sick when he was a few months old, he had one of those seizures brought on by fever - and my mom told me that she just happened to go into his room. He was limp, and burning up. My mother screamed, my dad put him in a bath of cold water and shocked him awake. He was rushed to the hospital. Now, he has only partial vision in one of his eyes that may be a direct result from his high fever. With that constantly in the back of my head, you can't blame me for trying to be extra cautious with my son. can you?

We got home around 11:30 pm, and we put our exhausted little peanut to bed. He slept until about 5 this morning.

This morning Chewie seemed to be getting better. He ate some breakfast, but still needed to cuddle. as much as i love the cuddle time, i'm happy he's recovering.

sick baby

2009-03-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

oh god, Chewie has been fighting a high fever all day. It started this morning when he woke up around 5. after feeding him, he just wouldn't go back to sleep, he just cried and cried. I would pick him up and he would fall almost instantly asleep in my arms, but the second i put him down he'd start up again.

so, in an effort to at least let ONE person in the household get some sleep, Chewie and i went downstairs and sat on the recliner, and sort of slept until about 8 when b-rad took over and i got some rest.

It wasn't until later in the day that b-rad pointed out that this really isn't like our son to be so cuddly and needy. While sleeping in my arms this afternoon - around 3, he started to really feel warm so i took him upstairs to check his temperature and it was 38.2C (taken at his armpit) so i immediately took all his clothes off and started wiping him down with a wet cloth. I called B-rad, who was out running a few errands, and he came home as soon as he could. I gave him some T ylen0l and it helped for a while.

B-rad and i have done nothing today except wipe our baby with a wet cloth, and i feel like i've done nothing but nurse all day.

it's heartbreaking to see him so uncomfortable, and just now when i was put on a mandatory leave of absence from the bedroom for the sake of my sanity, chewie lay there on the bed, weak and so tired, reaching for me crying. It was awful. i feel awful, like i've abandoned him somehow.

he wants, desperately, for me to hold him and rock him and nurse him, and i want those things too, but it doesn't take him very long to get warm again while sleeping on my chest.

we gave him more drugs a little while ago, so i think he's cooling off a bit. i hope so, poor little man desperately needs rest.

Ain't Life Grand!?

2009-02-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today is a big day for this humble little Rockstar blog! i was nominated by Pierette at The Wiseman Conspiracy for the Life Is Grand Award! isn't she sweet? (go on over and check out her blog) It's the first award i've ever received over here, and it's such a great one too! what do i do? well, i tell y'all five reasons why life is grand (I know, only five?) and then nominate five other bloggers to do the same!

So, to start off:

Five grand reasons to be alive!!

1. My beautiful and brilliant baby boy, Chewie, who surprises me each day with something new and incredible.
2. My fabulous, incredibly sexy husband who is super supportive and is a f*cking GREAT daddy!
3. Living in Canada where free health care is available - and competant medical staff who helped bring my son into the world and keep him alive until he was able to do it by himself, and we didn't go broke after it all.
4. B-rad and I being able to afford a house and get into the real estate game when we did. It was such a great feeling to finally own a house - a great house, and be free from renting and landlords, and have that sense of respect and ownership. yeah. That we both have great jobs and that we're able to be able to afford a few nice things.
5. Since B-rad and i moved back home we've found ourselves with a great support system of parents, family, and friends who have been so great this past year.

And now, to nominate!

Surprised Suburban Wife
2 Pink Lines
The Cheeseblog
Latte Mommy
Darth Mommy

Sick Baby

2009-02-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Last night B-rad and i woke up to Chewie crying around 3 am. After waiting to see if he'd cry it out, we heard coughing so i went in to check on him. Poor little dude was lying there in his crib, crying, covered in puke. And not the sour-milk baby puke, but full on hard core regurgitated semi digested vomit. It made me want to cry, the poor little man. So, i called b-rad in and we took off little Chewie's jammies and tried to clean him up as best we could, and b-rad changed his bedding and got him a new blanket.

I sat with him in the rocking chair, and offered him some mom-milk, but he just lay there in my arms looking up at me with his big blue eyes and pouty lips. My heartstrings were being plucked one at a time. We sat in the chair together, he fell asleep right away, but kept waking up with fits of vomiting. i tried to bring him into our bed when my butt and legs fell asleep from the rocker, but that seemed to make it worse. I figured that he probably didn't like laying down, that it made the nausea worse.

So Chewie and I, with a little help from B-rad, got ourselves all set up in the recliner couch downstairs. I spent the entire night/morning holding him and rocking him and cleaning him up until he finally slept a bit.

He actually ate around 6:45 this morning and kept it down, and is napping happily upstairs. and now, i can't sleep. i'm going to go lay down again in a few minutes. i called around to my family to see if anyone else was showing signs of sickness, as we all went swimming yesterday as a family (for family day) and everyone appears to be fine, so i'm thinking that he probably swallowed some of the pool water and that's what was making his tummy upset.

we'll see how the rest of the day goes. .....if all goes well, we will be back on solid foods this afternoon and will be taking a bath to get the puke out of little dude's hair and ears.

motherhood.
it's beautiful.

The Pregnancy Thing

2009-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

Here's a great questionnaire about how we became moms! If you have the time (haha), fill it copy it as a reply and fill it out so we can learn a little more about you!

1.HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?
1

2. HOW OLD?
7 months

3. NAME(S):
For blogging purposes, Chewie.

4. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED OR SURPISES?
planned i guess, we weren't TRYING but we weren't preventing either

5. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
I was nervous, my hands were shaking when i told b-rad who said when i showed him the test: "What does that mean?"

6. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
27 when i found out, 28 when he was born

7. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
See number 5, home pregnancy test. i was really really tired all the time, and I kept having dreams i was pregnant, or had just had a baby, so i took one of those Early pregnancy tests and it said Negative, but i kept thinking "But i feel like i'm pregnant". I was bummed. But then i took another one a few days later and it said Positive... We went to a doctor to be sure but he said "If the home test says you're pregnant, you are. you're more likely to get a false negative than a false positive"

8. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
Hm, i don't remember... i think it was either my sis-in-law Pam or my friend Jaimie.

9. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
I did, but B-rad didn't. So we waited.

10. DUE DATE -
August 28, 2008

11. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
No, i had one or two days where i felt a little bit of nausea when i would smell certain things, but other than that, i felt good.

12. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
i craved Apple Juice big time in the beginning, then it was club sandwhiches or really hardy multigrain breads. There was a brief stint of DQ blizzards and Coke Slurpees.

13. WHAT IRRITATED YOU?
having to pee a million times a day, and having to give up coffee.

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
i didn't wish for either, but i dreamt that it was a girl - so i was pretty certain he was a girl up until he was born and b-rad said: "We have a son!"

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN DURING PREGNANCY?
i don't know, cuz i didn't pay attention to my weight in the beginning, but probably 20-30 lbs... it would have been a lot more if i had gone full term.

16. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
No problems, except that he came 8 weeks early - due to a Urinary Tract Infection and being dehydrated. Even if you think you're drinking enough water on the hottest day of the summer, you probably aren't. lesson learned.

17. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
At RUH (Royal University Hospital).

18. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
i'm not sure how to figure that out, i started having back pain (what ended up being contractions) around 8pm and Chewie was born at just about 1pm the next day, so if we go from there 16 hours?

19. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
B-rad drove half the way (he had been awake for over 24 hours, and at the lake with a few drinks and was really really tired) so we stopped in SmallTown and picked up my Sister in Law, Pam, who drove us the rest of the way - keeping me calm while B-rad slept in the back seat. I told him "If i really am in labour, i need you awake and alert, so you need to get some sleep now!"

20. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
The original plan was to have Pam there to take pictures, but because it was such a panic/emergency, i opted to have no outside people in there (in case things didn't go well and he didn't end up being healthy) so it was just Me and B-rad, and our Doula - Sunava, and the OBGYN (because it was an emergency) and the Stupid Maternity Nurse Debbie, and then the NICU Staff waiting with in the back. Full house, huh?

21. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
Completely natural.

22. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
See #21 - nope, just a lot of breathing and groaning.

23. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
4lbs 11oz

24. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN?
July 5, 2008

25. DID YOU NAME THEM AFTER ANYONE?
yes, his middle name is to honour B-rad's childhood friend who passed away.

I choose to be a Non-Tagger, but if you wanna do this - feel free! it's a good no-brainer post fodder for this Monday Morning.

Cheers.

Seven Months

2009-02-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Chewie,

What is there to report from the past month? Well, we’ve started you on solid foods which has been pretty fun for the most part, and you have already developed a pretty defined list of what you will and will not eat. Sweet Potatoes - Check, Peas - DOUBLE CHECK, Carrots - check, Egg - Check, Rice - check, Banana - CHECK, Apples - Check..... Broccoli - HELLLLS NO! In fact, when you registered what was actually in your mouth you made the sourest face and started spitting and crying and choking as if to say: “Get-it-out-get-it-out-get-it-out!!!” Even my attempts to hide the broccoli in peas was met with the same reaction and then you had enough wouldn’t eat anything more. So, we’re avoiding broccoli.... for NOW.... but we will try again.

After the broccoli fiasco, you are cautious with each spoonful of food i put in your mouth. You hold it in your mouth for a few seconds, making the face of disgust, until you realize that it’s Carrots, and you like carrots. Once you get going, you try to grab the spoon with both hands to “help” me guide the food into your open mouth. I am constantly surprised at how much you can and will eat in one sitting. Just when i think i’ve made you way too much food, you show me up and clean off the plate. With the realization that things that go into your mouth taste good, you’ve been tasting everything you can hold onto and bring to your mouth. Keys, water bottles, books, blankets, toys, shoes, anything. Oh what a world to discover.

What comes with solid food is, you guessed it, solid poop. Ah, yes, how the attitude toward bodily functions has changed in this household over the last seven months. Your dad and i find ourselves, quite regularly, cheering you on when you start to work one out - “that’s it! PUUUUUSH!!! Good for you baby!!!”. Your dad even went so far as to get you your crinkle book for you to read while you pooped. :) just like your papa.

Almost overnight, you took notice of the two fury creatures who co-habit our humble home. Suddenly mom and dad were no longer of interest, no no no! Not when you could look at Kozmo, or Cinda! How excited you get when they walk in the room. You squeal and laugh and practically vibrate with happiness. On the rare occasion where you have been able to touch one of the cats, usually Kozmo, we realize you are not the most gentle of beings. You are a poker, and a prodder, and a puller of ears and whiskers. Luckily, for you, Kozmo seems to be rather patient with you while you yank on his fur, he calmly looks up at us and appears to say that he’ll take exactly 3 more seconds of this before things get nasty. You have yet to be able to maul Cinda, mostly because she is far to skittish to let you anywhere near her for more than 1 second at a time.

My baby, this has been the month i have dubbed: “The Push Mommy’s Buttons and See How Far She’ll Go” month from hell. Not that any of it is really your fault, it just seems that this month in particular i feel like i’m nearing the edge a little bit each day. It seems like you have been working on that first tooth forever and we still have nothing to show for it but tears and sleepless nights. Thank the gods for children’s Tylenol and the homoeopathic teething tablets. If not for them, we might have put you in a basket and sent you down the river, just like Moses. But it’s been a combination of things, my cold, your daddy’s cold, your cold and your teeth, all piled on top of each other at the same time.

There came a point, this month, where i just decided that i couldn’t do the midnight awake times anymore. So, your father and i decided to just let you cry it out. Not that it really took all that long. A good solid 15-20 minutes and you were sleeping again, not waking again until morning. The next night there was one little squawk and you were good. So far out of the two weeks we’ve been doing this, you only woke up twice. Pretty darn good if you ask me. Maybe as a byproduct of that you have been settling into a more routine awake/sleep schedule. Good thing to, as it’s saving my sanity.

Your happy little sounds and gummy grin brighten each and every day, and if i could cuddle you, munch on your cheeks and kiss your round bald head for ever, it wouldn’t be long enough. Each and every day i am amazed at my capacity to love you. Utterly and fantastically amazed.

I will Love you Forever + one day,
your
Mamma

We've finally found a loser....and one small victory for mom

2009-01-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

well, i didn't get a chance to take a photo of Chewie venturing into the world of pureed broccoli, mainly due to the choking, gagging, screaming, spitting and crying that came along with it.

Broccoli = No go.

Well, we'll try again at supper and see how we do... i tellsya, for a kid who will quite happily eat my hair by the handful, he sure has opinions about broccoli.

Also, the night before last i finally reached that point of frustration with the whole getting up at 1am, and then 4 am and then 7am garbage. I realized, as i made my way across the hall: "I am sick of this!" and so, last night B-rad and i made the decision to let Chewie cry. It sucked. But, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. It's not like he's not used to crying out in his crib. Hell, that's how i put him down for a nap every time! So, he fussed and cried, and just as B-rad and i were deciding whether or not to give in and go get him, he stopped. and it was quiet.

we did it. and he really only cried for 15-20 minutes tops. i thought that i'd have to go through it all over again at 4am, but while i was waking from terrible nightmares all night, my little baby slept like an angel until 7, which is his normal wakeup time.

With this tiny victory, i worry about tonight... it seems i'm never blessed with two victories in a row. wish me luck.

Thank the Gods for Grandmas

2009-01-18T09:25:00.001-08:00

Nights with a cranky teething baby has really shown me that I am thankful for:

My mother, who lives 25 minutes away
My husband who recognized that his wife needed some support
My husband who called my mother Saturday morning when he had to go out to his parents acreage to help build the house
My mother, who without batting an eye, came into the city to spend the day with me and Chewie.
My mother, who never commented on the lack of general housekeeping when she arrived
My mother, who rolled up her sleeves and cleaned my house with a baby on her hip so i could just put my head down on the couch and rest.

When B-rad told me he was going to call my mom to come in and hang out with me, i began to protest and he said: "This is why we moved back home, isn't it? for the family support? if you can't ask for help now, when can you?" He's a wise man, that B-rad

Peas Please

2009-01-15T11:31:00.001-08:00

Oh, the joys of solid food!

I'm quite impressed the way you've taken to your veggies. You get excited about the food, and you are so impatient, grabbing my hand and pulling the spoon to your mouth. Yay for Food!!

2009-01-13T21:22:00.001-08:00

sigh.

nights like tonight are hard.

I took Chewie for his six month vaccinations this morning, bright and early. It just kept going down hill from there. First of all, i had to wake him up to take him to the clinic... and you're NOT SUPPOSED TO WAKE A SLEEPING BABY! especially when he had a particularly rough night. he probably would have slept another hour or two, if not for his appointment.

But, i got him up, got him all bundly snug in his car seat, and ventured out to discover that it had snowed a good 10 cm or more over night and the roads were STUPID.

We got to the clinic even before the nurse did.

His initial reaction was good, as far as baby reactions go. He cried for a few seconds, and then got distracted by something.

We went home, he had a snooze, and then all hell broke loose. From noon onwards, he became the super clingy baby, and absolutely refused to be put down for any reason. He was feeling feverish and i'm sure he was feeling pretty shitty, so i let it slide.

All day he's been like this, poor little guy, and teething to top it all off nicely.

i just want to wrap him in a cloud of cuddles and make it all go away for him.

But that's not how tonight is going to play out.

This is Bedtime version 5 right now. Dad is in there rocking him back and forth singing "The Wall" to him. Hopefully it sticks, at least for a few hours.

Tomorrow will be better.

Sweet Potato Pie!! (without the Pie)

2009-01-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

Today Chewie got his first taste of solid (well, somewhat solid) food.... Sweet Potato Puree made at home by yours truly. pssst... the secret ingredament is Love. ;)

Mmm, this looks tasty mom!

It IS! It IS tasty!!

I love Sweet Potatoes.

Six Months

2009-01-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Chewie,

Has it been six months already? Hard to believe that only half a year ago you were making your way into the world - whether we were ready for you or not.

I'm happy to report that you are progressing along quite nicely in line with your corrected age, which is 4 months. Some new discoveries this month include being able to grasp your toys in your hands, but also to be able to hold on to them and bring them to your mouth! And there is no shortage of toys around this place, but even so, your favourite toy is a soft red barn that crinkles when you hold it. You love to make sounds, another discovery this month is the AMOUNT of noise you can make!

Not just crying, but cooing, and blowing bubbles, and babbling, and you've been working on the sound "oo". Boo, Oo, Doo, Pooo. You have also discovered the sounds you can make by scratching the surfaces around you, your change table, or mom's sheets. And you enjoy slamming your hand down on the table when you sit in our laps. So adorable, like you're calling to order some kind of Baby Meeting.

Another fun activity in our house these days is Peek a Boo. You've recently figured out how much fun it is. At first, I tried to play Peek a Boo with you, but you didn't really care for it, until i made YOU the peeker. Once i started covering you with the blanket, you thought it was pretty funny, and just in the last week or so you've been able to transfer peek a boo from you to those around you. Just watching your face change from confusion when we disappear to pure delight when we come back is priceless.

You haven't quite made it all the way over - as far as rolling, although your Grandma M says you rolled over for her i haven't seen it. You come very close, and it's only a matter of time. The stronger you get, the more you try sitting up, and you are getting better at tummy time and will last almost five minutes on your belly before screaming. Good for you.

Your first Christmas came and went relatively quietly. This is mostly because of the surgery i had to have my gallbladder removed - so we were pretty lowkey, which is probably best. There was about a week of long days, interrupted naptimes, bedtime schedule thrown out completely, and with the teething on top of that (still no teeth), some very unhappy moments. But along with those unhappy moments were the smiles that made it all worth while.

You are becoming more and more aware of the environment around you. With longer, more regular naps, you have more periods of being awake.

I just can't even express how much i love you, little man. You have changed my life completely, for the better. Whoever said that having a baby is like watching your heart walk around outside your body had it spot on.

Yes, i am more exhausted than i have ever been, i haven't had a good night sleep in half a year, the laundry is constantly backed up, i haven't seen my bedroom floor in ages, i constantly smell like baby puke, i haven't worn clean clothes in six months... but it's all been worth it.

Love you Forever,
Mamma

Five Months

2008-12-05T14:25:00.001-08:00

Dear Chewie,

I can't believe how time is flying. You are the absolute best part of my day. I love how you wake up, it's like each time you open your eyes from sleeping you are SO excited to see me, and smile and laugh and kick your feet until i pick you up out of your crib. Your laughter is contagious and no matter how tired i am and how worn out i feel, you lift me up and make me feel i can do anything.

You are getting stronger all the time, and you have no patience for sitting or laying down, you must be STANDING at all times! And to achieve this you will grab our hands and pull yourself up until you can look around. At first you were very wobbly, and you still are, but your core strength is improving every day. We still try to put you on your tummy, but you hate tummy time. Too bad for you baby, because you need to be on your tummy so you can learn to push yourself up so you can learn to crawl.

The past month you have increased your Drool Output by 200% and will literally soak through a bib in minutes. Where does all that drool come from? Do you have a secret drool storage tank under your Onesie? In fact, as i write this letter to you, you are blowing spit bubbles at your dad while he holds you.

You've started imitating the faces we make, and there's nothing more fun than sticking our tongues out at each other for twenty minutes, or watching you discover that you TOO have eyebrows.

So much drool, followed by fever and the urge to bite down on my finger...or my nipple (ouch) leads us to believe that you're going through the motions of teething. Those days are tough cuz there's no way of making you feel better, aside of some Infant Tylenol and something cool to chomp on.

We've been working on your bedtime routine, and some days you go down like nothing! You just lay your head down, look up at the ceiling for a few minutes - then drift off to sleep sucking on your fist, or your Giraffe who we named Maynard. But tonight is not one of those nights, and you are fighting it with every fibre of your being. It's tough, and i have to fight every one of my urges not to run in there and make you feel better when you cry. But i know deep down that giving you the chance to learn how to self-sooth will be much more beneficial to you in the long run than satisfying my need to not let you cry. We've even had a few nights of solid sleep around here! Not every night, but once in a while you grace me with a good solid seven hours and i always wake up amazed.

I love you so much, and it's hard to even remember a time when you weren't around, and even today i was looking back at some videos and photos of the few days after you were born and it's hard to imagine that you ever that small. Seeing your tiny head and face, those skinny little arms and legs, and that squeaky baby cry... you were so weak for so long - it seems like a completely different baby from the strong and healthy, chubby little alert man who is developing more of a personality every day.

Love you baby,
Mama

Thankful by the Tens.

2008-11-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the thing... i am thankful for so many things, but i'll try to boil it down to ten.

1. I'm thankful for the knowledgable hospital staff at NeoNatal who looked after my son in the first 2.5 weeks of his life. I'll never be able to thank them enough

2. I'm thankful for my fabulous husband who supports me in more ways than he knows. He's so awesome.

3. I'm thankful that i live in a country where i have access to Free Health Care.

4. I'm thankful for every smile and every laugh that my son sees fit to share with me.

5. I'm thankful for vibrating baby chairs. Good lord, am i ever thankful for those.

6. I'm thankful that I have many talents - some that I share with others, some that are only for my husband (meaow!) and some that i keep to myself.

7. I'm thankful for quiet times, when Chewie is sleeping and i can decompress.

8. I'm thankful for Mommy and Baby Yoga... it helps me find my centre.

9. I'm thankful for the friendships i have, online and off, and how special everyone is to me in their own way.

10. I'm thankful that i won't have to wait long for my surgery. Gallbladder, you'll soon be gone.

Wahoo!

2008-11-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, before you read this post, you have to hit play on this little video.... it will make it allllll make sense!!!

ready? the video is rollin?....ahem....

Good God, Almighty, my boy slept through the night!!!!!

We put him down at 10, he was actually asleep by 10:30... and he didn't wake up... UNTIL SEVEN FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!!!

:D

i am so happy.

4 Months

2008-11-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Chewie,

you’re growing like a weed, it seems that we just finish one growth spurt with cluster feeding, and we’re on to another one. So many of your clothes have moved to the ‘too small’ box which is both exciting and sad - you are no longer my little teeny newborn babe, but have moved on to full blown chubby babydom. You’ve put on so much weight, i’m sure you’re easily 15 lbs or more. When we finish this bag, we’re moving on up to SIZE THREE diapers!!

New developments this month - you’ve discovered your hands and feet! You open and close your hands and point and flip the bird and rock out with the devil horns... and you’ve discovered the joys of kicking, which is really adorable in the bathtub - not so adorable when i’m trying to change your pants and you get your feet in the diaper.

Every day brings something new. You’ve started getting quite a variance in your cries, you throw in a high pitched squeal now and then, you kinda sound like a little dingo or some kind of yipping canine type creature. Not only the cries, but the laughing has begun which is possibly one of the best things i’ve ever seen or heard in my entire life!

And this month brought with it real live, honest to goodness tears - which broke my heart the first time i saw a little tear escape your eye and make its way down your cheek when we were driving in the car and couldn’t get to you fast enough.

you’re learning new facial expressions, and they crack me up - and your cuteness is so apparent that perfect strangers still lean over you and remark how beautiful you are and i just smile and say ‘thanks, we like him’. When i tell people how old you are they all say: ‘he’s soo little’ You still look small, but now you only look small for a 4 month old. For a 2 month old, your corrected age, you’re doing amazing.

We moved you from the basinette to the crib this month, something that i thought would be a lot harder than it was. You took to it fairly easily - i had been ‘training’ you by putting you in there to nap during the day. The one who took it the hardest was me. lol. Currently, i’m having a really hard time getting you to sleep without the need to nurse. I know that sleep training would be very beneficial for my sanity, but i’m still sort of indecisive about whether or not I’M ready for you not to need me anymore.

Every day you change in a new and exciting way, and your daddy said to me the other night as he held you in his arms; “We’ll never be able to do this again. We’ll never be able to just hold him like this.” he’s right. I try not to take you for granted, and i know that you’re probably sick of me taking picture after picture of that perfect face, but i don’t want to miss a thing....just like the Aerosmith song. :D

i love you more and more each day.

love mama

Photos of the Cutest Kid - Halloween Style

2008-11-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

aww, mom, i love you.
i love you too, baby.

handsome little devil, isn't he??

Ratatouille - a devil possessed rat

Chewie conquers the Pumpkin. Well done, kiddo.

cry baby cry

2008-11-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

it's been a long hard week over here at Casa Diva... Chewie's got it in his adorable little mind that he needs...nay MUST nurse to fall asleep EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! and as much as i'd love for him to keep sucking on those puppies, the chapped nipple in me screams out NO!!

So, i've been attempting to do some kind of weaning up in here, and he is by far a very UNhappy customer. In fact, this very second - as i type this - the cute little monster is trapped in his crib, crying cuz he wants me to come up there and nurse him... but i'm letting him try to discover his own soothing method...

so far - nothing seems to have come up.

i find it extremely difficult to go in there and 'reassure him' without actually picking him up. and it's even harder for me to listen to him cry, knowing that in the short run i can make him feel better... but there's that 'long run' off in the distance saying; "don't give in"....

i'm forcing myself to stay here and type so i'm not tempted to go in there too soon.

it's so very emotionally draining to hear someone you love soooo much sound so unhappy, without the communication skills to tell him that he'll really honestly be okay falling asleep without mom's nipple in his mouth...

it seems that everytime he sort of winds down, he somehow finds the energy for more tears and more crying... sad little guy...

do i give in?

do i really want to start doing this tonight?

i know that he'll forget all of this eventually, forget that one time when he needed me to make him feel safe and calm, i didn't come....

but those screams.... they hurt my heart.

sad.

okay, ten minutes is up.... time to go 'reassure him' that i'm still here and that i still love him...

When nothing else works....

2008-10-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Last night it was a battle - one that i was losing.

B-rad had to get up early, so i said i'd put the baby to bed.

Chewie didn't want to go to sleep, so i tried nursing him until both sides were tapped - but he was insatiable... he would take his pacifier, but wouldn't keep it in himself... i couldn't put him down, i couldn't hold him - every position brought more tears except the nursing position... that would do it and he would fall asleep but wake up as soon as i would move.

finally, i was nearing the end of my rope. i was exhausted - mentally, physically and spiritually. my back ached from holding him in nursing position... my tail bone was getting sore from sitting in the rocker, and my nipples were throbbing from his need for comfort. he started to cry and i picked him up and put him on my shoulder and held him to me... maybe a little too hard cuz he started crying with more intensity...was i hurting him????

i shocked myself out of my haze and realized that i was in no position to deal with him any more. i got up, laid him in his crib, turned on his mobile and left the room

i climbed into bed with B-rad, he woke up and i told him; "i can't do it anymore tonight, i put him to bed, and when his mobile stops he's going to start crying.... and i might just let him cry"

we laid together in silence listening as his mobile played out through the baby monitor... when it ended, sure enough chewie started to cry... i got out of bed, went to the monitor on the shelf - and turned it off, chewie's cries carrying through the hallway.

i got back into bed, put my head on the pillow and imagined my precious baby boy crying alone in his room knowing his mommy was NOT coming to save his this time... and started sobbing. i felt so helpless and guilty and i felt like i was letting him down, that i was a bad mother, that at that level of exhaustion i might unintentionally harm my own child.

B-rad held me as i cried then said; "i'll go get him"

i don't know how long it took for B-rad to get him to sleep, i cried myself out and was passed out before he came back to bed.

This morning, after nursing him, we snuggled on the couch - him sleepin like an angel on my chest and last night seems like a hazy dream. i love him so much. everything looks brighter on this side of morning. I thank the universe everyday for my healthy baby, and my awsome husband.

2008-10-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today's Gold Medal Achievement:

Up-The-Back-Poop that reaches the shoulders.

Motherhood.
it's awesome.

Three Months

2008-10-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

i can hardly believe you've been here for three months. The time has been flying by, and you are growing at an amazing rate! Just yesterday i put you in a sleeper that i thought would NEVER fit you, and i'm already having to put some of your old clothes away, they are too small. When we went to the doctor for your 3 month checkup you were weighed in at 12 lbs!

You're chubby cheeks are my favourite thing to kiss. i love the rolls that have developed on your thighs and the ones that are slowly developing at your wrists.

This month has brought with it much more alert time, and you look around this world of yours wide big beautiful wide eyes. You're beginning to follow movement, and sometimes you'll follow the sound of my voice around the room.

You also had your first immunization this month, which was probably harder for me than you. Your daddy held you as they stuck in the first needle, and you cried the saddest cry i had ever heard. You kept crying through the second needle, then daddy rocked you in his arms until you slept - your natural defence mechanism, sleep, kicking in. That night, you starting screaming in your sleep until i picked you up and held you, and i remembered then that you used to do the same thing when we first brought you home from the hospital... that's when i realized you were having nightmares, and i hugged you and held you all through that night.

Speaking of sleep, you've been giving us a good solid six hours at night, so if i time it right i can feed you around 11 and sleep until around 5 am. And you've gotten so good at nursing that you're usually done after about 10-15 minutes... far better than the 45 - hour that we were doing before. Now i'm waiting for that glorious night when you decide to sleep through it!

We've been dealing with a lot of gas pain around here, and i'm finding that between having to limit my diet for your stomach needs and limiting it for my gallbladder attacks, eating isn't so much fun for me, but like so many other things - i do it all for you (and my own health as well). When you have trouble with gas, you stiffen up like a board and push with all your might, and while doing so you make the saddest face with the biggest pouty lips i have ever seen. And your cries of discomfort make me want to cry myself and somehow take away all your pain.

The tummy massage that we learned last week has been helpful, and i've been trying to give you a massage every day. You really like the leg massages, especially since you've been growing so much and standing up with daddy. You don't like the tummy so much, and if i had that much gas i wouldn't like it either. BUT the more we do those massages, the more likely you will keep things moving and it will help alleviate some of the tummy pain.

As you've grown in the past month, you've really started holding your head up, and even going so far as to look around before you flop your head back down. I try to imagine what it must be like to have your vision develop and have this fuzzy world come into view!

You smile more and more each day, but it's still so hard to tell whether or not you're gassy. I choose to believe you're smiling cuz you're happy. I know it makes us light up and laugh and get excited when you smile! It's the best thing i've ever seen.

It's hard to remember that, really, you should only be one month old. i have to keep that in mind when i think of which developmental milestones you should be at already. i'm looking forward to recognition! you already turn your head when you hear your daddy or i walk in the room, but i'm just waiting for your face to light up when you see us, the way that ours lights up when we see you.

love you forever,
mamma

Baby Massage - Holding Techniqe, Touch Relaxation

2008-09-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

First of all, why don't you check out that little button directly to the right on my sidebar and follow my blog? :o)

As part of our doula's services, B-rad and i have been taking Chewie to Infant Massage Classes. We had a few sessions with Sunava, and then were handed over to her mother, Amara - who also teaches Infant Massage.

We had our first class with Amara yesterday- here's some of what we learned:

Number One: Holding Method
"Resting, Reassured still hand". When your touch is this conscious & intentional your baby recognizes and feels it. It will get her intention in a quiet and powerful way, and it will prepare your baby for moving touch (massage)
Use before all routines, in the middle and at the end, and any time during massage or rest fo the day when your baby need reassurance. Use before stomach, chest and colic relief routines especially, for several minutes. Maybe you don't have time for a massage one day so 'hold' for five minutes for reassuring your baby. Intention in very important. Remember: All touch Teaches.
Parents' hands on your baby are heavy and relaxed (the full weight of the hands but not extra)

Amara suggested that when we do this, with hands on Chewie's chest, that we imagine a ball of white light in our own chest, and imagine that light moving out our shoulders and down our arms into our hands and into Chewie.

Number Two: Touch Relaxation Technique - based on Conditioned Response Through (elicited) positive reinforcement

These techniques fit well with the rest of the massage strokes and often set the tone for readiness to massage. They can be used anytime your baby is stressed.

They help baby cope with stress. They strengthen the stress threshold and the Relaxation Response so that baby has more available energy to meet life.
Helps baby trust the world and want to open to it
helps baby trust herself and her ability to handle life as it is.
helps baby focus hiss attention on his own body, so that later he knows how to relax himself
helps baby feel she has some control of her reactions to stress.
helps baby associate your touch with the positive benefits of relaxation.

Say you are beginning to massage your baby's leg and it appears still and tense. Take this leg gently in your hands, encompassing and molding your hand to your baby's leg. Fell a heavy relaxation (Full weight of hand but nor more weight) in your hands as they conform to your baby's leg (this is holding technique). Now gently bounce baby's leg, repeating in a soft voice "Relax" - using the same tone each time you say this. As soon as you feel any relaxation in the muscles give your baby positive feedback saying "Yes, you relaxed your leg" and offer a smile and a kiss. Saying 'Relax' with the same tone is important. Refrain from saying "good" (which is a judgement). The same thing can be done holding other places on your baby - arms, chest, tummy, hands. Use very gentle shaking, bouncing, patting, encompassing, rolling motions to loosen up the tense area, giving positive feedback whenever you feel a favourable response - ie, any degree of softening towards full relaxation.

Do this touch several times a day. Soon your baby will make the connection and relax upon hearing your voice "Relax". This is a gift for a lifetime.

For more information on Baby massage, try: "Infant Massage: a Handbook for Loving Parents" by Vimala Schneider McClure. The above information comes from this book and the the research she refers to.

Ten Little Things I've Learned About Being a Mom:

2008-09-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Well, i've been a mom for about 2 and a half months now, and i'm accumulating some interesting tidbits of information that i never had before.

Breastmilk is really sticky
When babies are first born, they strain so hard while pooping that they cry and turn purple and struggle... then you change their diapers to see that there's only a dime sized poop in there... turns out that babies aren't sure which muscles to use to poop, so they use them all.
Watching a baby throw a fit is absolutely adorable
In less than three months i've been hit with projectile baby snot more times than i can remember...clean clothes are a thing of the past
When you think you have enough time to run errands in between feeds is when he'll decide to grow and want to cluster feed every hour
Babies make for great small talk when strangers talk to you're in line ups at the drug store
Everyone loves a tiny baby
Breastmilk doesn't just squirt out from one place, but from several spots on the nipple... the first time i pumped i was amazed
Housework is for chumps...actually, housework is - in reality - a dream of a time when i have energy to do the simple things... and do more than just empty the dishwasher
Seeing your baby smile = best thing in the universe

Two Months

2008-09-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

i'm amazed at how much you've changed in this past month. Already you look like a different little boy from the one we brought home from the hospital.

At your last weigh in, you weighed 7lbs 4 oz a far cry from the 4 lbs 11 oz that you weighed at your birth, and that was over a week ago - i'm sure your past the 8 lb mark by now. You look and feel like a bonafide baby, and not so much like a preemie. When we brought you home, it seemed that you were all arms and legs, and they were so scrawny, but now your thighs are thickening, and you're developing a right proper double chin. A chubby baby is a happy and healthy baby, so it makes me so happy so see you becoming a little rollie pollie.

i can't stop watching you while you sleep. Watching your facial expressions change, wondering what you could possibly be dreaming about. and your little gassy smiles are almost always followed by a concerned furrowed brow before you relax your face and keep sleeping so peacefully. i used to think the term "I slept like a baby" was bunk - because who in their right mind would want to wake up every two hours screaming? but now i see that its those moments of deep sleep, of peacefulness in those chunks of nap that people are yearning for.

I've only just noticed that you wiggle your toes while you sleep. I know another person in this house that does that, and it's not me. Another 'just like your dad' badge to wear on your sleeve; next to flatulence and messy eating.

oh yeah, and i sometimes wonder - when you fart - where you store all that gas!?? it's hilarious.

this past month has brought more awake time. As we approached your actual due date, it was as if a switch went off and you were instantly more awake and alert! Your dad and i use that time to hold the black and white geometric paintings we made in front of your face. You love to look at them, and we love to watch you look at them - your big dark blue eyes wide in a look of almost amazement.

Bath time is fun, after you get over the initial shock of being lowered into the warm water, you relax and let me hold you by the neck and shoulders, letting the rest of your body float, but you make sure you hold onto my supportive arm with your tiny hand. Making sure i don't let go. I will never let go, baby.

as you've become more and more alert, i'm finding it much easier to talk and sing and play with you. i used to think i'd never get to that place of comfort to make up silly songs and games - but i'm finally there. Today we discovered a game that i hope will be a favourite of ours... "Mommy Monster"... the monster that loves to eat little baby cheeks, and nibble on baby necks and chew on baby toes and suck on baby fingers... "Mmmm, i'm going to eat you up because BABY is my FAVOURITE FLAVOUR! Mawmamawmawmawmmmm....." right now it's really more a game for my entertainment because when i do this you look at me with those big wide eyes in wonder and amazement, with no real concern or amusement...

we still struggle with nursing, as i try to wean you from the nipple shield. We have good days and bad days, but i really try to give you lots of encouragement and praise when you're finally able to latch on and i can feel that you're getting big long drinks. We'll get there, baby. don't you worry sweetie.

I love every bit of you. I love the way you nestle so perfectly under my chin, the way you sigh when i hold you... the way your hair smells and the way it feels when i stroke your perfect little head. I love the way you look when we put you in the sweater Great Grandma M made for you. You are "All-The-Time Cute!"

i have a hard time remembering what life was like before you.
love
Mamma

Word to your Mom

2008-08-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Dude, my baby's a total playa!

Cheese!

2008-08-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Pretty Effin' Cute, eh??

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

2008-08-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

ah, the life of mothering a newborn.
I live my life in 3 hour blocks.
anything that needs to happen in my world - outside of feeding, burping, and changing diapers - must be done inside one of those 3 hour blocks... and really, 3 hours is being generous. it's actually more like a 2 hour block once i factor in the time it takes to feed, burp, and change him.

Now that B-rad has gone back to work, it kinda feels like i've lost my partner in crime. We had a pretty good system going there for awhile, but now the night time feedings are all up to me. Right now i'm finding my biggest challenge to be staying awake while nursing. The female body has this thing where it releases a relaxing hormone whenever you nurse - which i suppose is the body's way of encouraging you to nurse... and it's nice during the day because those times nursing are, well, relaxing - after the first initial 'latch' where it feels like he might rip my nipple off in his mouth, that is. But at night, those relaxing hormones just make me want to fall asleep, and before i know it, the two of us are zonked out - him in my arms, sleeping with the nipple half in his mouth, milk all over his face; on his forehead, down his neck and soaking his jammies... and me, slack jawed, snoring, and covered in milk as well.

then i lose track of the time, how long was i out for? so, how long has he eaten for? and how long as HE been out for? and did he get enough food at this feeding? do i cut my losses and go to sleep instead of waking him up to try again???

because, inevitably at 2 in the morning, that's when Chewie decides to be awake and alert and looking around. And as much as i hate to miss those times when he's actually awake, mama's gotta get some sleep!!!

And then i'm faced with the choice between getting up after his 7 am feed and staying awake, or sleeping all day... just hop right on board Chewie's eating/sleeping train and never leave my bedroom.

i know, everyone says that i'll get through this sleep deprived state... that EVENTUALLY he WILL sleep through the night... but it seems like another life time. Some vague place in the distant fog of my future. Until then, i guess i'll go back to sleep.

One Month

2008-08-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

today marks one month from the day you were born. i'm not really sure how it works now, am i supposed to be keeping track of your age in weeks still? or months? i don't really know how it works. But today is the 5th... and you're one month old. Or, four weeks and 3 days old.

This has been the longest and the shortest period of my life. I am finding it difficult to remember what my life was like before you came. And since you've been home, the last two weeks have merged one day into the next. i'm never quite sure what day it is. My life revolves around feeding and sleeping and changing your diapers. The first few days that you were home, i thought i was going to die of sleep deprivation, because even though while you were in NICU i was pumping milk for you, i only had to pump then go back to bed.

Now that you're here, the midnight feedings are my biggest challenge. Because you were a preemie, you haven't quite grasped the whole breast feeding thing. And also because in NICU you were bottle fed, you haven't gotten the hang of the 'latch'. I've had to use a "nipple shield" which is a silicon nipple that i slip over my own that is more like the bottle that you're used to. It works well enough, but it inevitably leaks milk everywhere, all over your face, all over my belly and the pillows... and it also needs to be heated up before i use it so it will mold to my body better. All of this takes time to prepare. I have to wash the nipple and keep it in a mug of hot water before i can get myself ready (Nursing Pillow, receiving blanket, glass of water) or you ready.

You were (and still are a bit) jaundiced, which makes for a sleepy eater. So i spend a good 30-40 minutes trying to simultaneously feed you and keep you awake, while also trying to keep myself awake. At night we try to give you a bottle with about an ounce of expressed breast milk, to get you to sleep a bit longer. The going rate right now is about 3 hours, but sometimes if we're really lucky - you'll go almost 4 hours at night.

So, with the all the nursing prep work, the feeding, the burping, and the changing... the whole process can take almost 2 hours before you're sleeping soundly again... and then it seems that just when i've fallen asleep - we start all over again.

But.

it appears your cuteness is your ultimate weapon. and you get me with it everytime. it seems that when i'm feeling the most exhausted, or on the edge of sleep deprived despair... you'll open your eyes and just look at me. And i hold you're little peanut body and we gaze at each other, and i know that i would do anything for you. In those moments all the weariness melts away, i can feel my shoulders melt and my jaw release. On rare occasions, you see fit to give me a smile. I know, they say its just gas. and that may be, but it's just enough to keep me going until morning. it's exactly what i need.

What else? oh yeah, you've peed on your dad twice now. I find it kinda funny, but i know that my day is coming - that there are more bodily excretions in my future.

i love to kiss your neck and chew on your pudgy cheeks. you're pretty passive at this point, but i'm sure at some point in time you'll squeal with glee when i do that.

At times i am just amazed at how small you are. Even though you're over 6 lbs now, you're so much bigger than the day you were born, but your bum fits in the palm of my hand... and you seem to get lost in the hugeness of your car seat.

My favourite thing is to have you sleeping on my chest. Your tiny head nestled under my jaw, your arms splayed out over your head and your legs frogged under neath you. I feel comforted by your breath, as i imagine you are by mine. your head resting over my heart. While you lay there, you make the cutest little noises as you breath out. little cooing sounds that make my heart melt into a puddle of goo. I keep you there much longer than i probably should before putting you in your basinette. But i can't help it.

Another fun thing that you do now is creak like a rusty gate. Sometimes the creak lasts so long, we wonder when you'll ever breath in again. it's adorable and hilarious at the same time.

you've completely turned our world upside down and topsy turvy - and we're still recovering and trying to put things straight, although its as though everything has shifted six inches. It's the same, but it's different. We are still learning how to do normal every day things with you, like go to the store, or drive the car.

One thing that keeps me relatively sane is: We've never done this before, but then neither have you. So we'll learn to do it together.

I love you, my sweet little baby.
Always and Forever.

Love
Mama

Part Seven - the end...or should i say the beginning?

2008-07-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i stayed at the hospital overnight to do all of Chewie's feedings...

Today i discovered the four most awesome words in the English Language:

You're Cleared for Discharge

Sitting here in my kitchen with Chewie in his basinette next to me, it's amazing. i thought this day would never come.

Part Six

2008-07-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

The past 2 weeks have seemed, simultaneously, like the longest time of my life and also the shortest.

The hardest thing that i've ever done in my life was the day we were discharged and i had to walk away from the hospital without him. B-rad held me as we walked down the hallway, and i could feel Chewie getting farther and farther away from me. When we walked out the door, i broke down and cried into my hands while B-rad led me to the car. We sat in the car for a few seconds while i sobbed, and as we pulled away from the parking lot it felt like i was being ripped in two.

I said: "It feels like we just left our heart there and then drove away."

We were both a mess of emotion and tears and we seemed to go in alternating waves of tears. I would cry, and he would comfort me and i'd settle a little...then he would cry and i would comfort him and so on.

My friend Madge was at our house when we arrived. She had cleaned up a little for us and made us supper, and then volunteered to do some quick shopping with B-rad so i could rest. B-rad also called my mom when we got home, and she came over and we sat on the couch with her arms around me.

It was a rough day, to say the least.

but we went back that night, and it was like as soon as we could see him - a weight lifted off of us and we were light and happy again. He's like sunshine on a cloudy day.

The rest of the week(s) have gone by in a blur of visits to the hospital, family visitors, pumping, napping, resting... And when i am exhausted and think i can't go on any more, i get to the hospital and hold him and he charges my batteries and i think: "Okay, i can do this for one more day"

I have to take each day at a time. Any thing beyond the next day is too big for me to handle. And while he steadily improved, gaining weight, keeping his temperature, feeding by bottle, the nurses still don't give us anything more to go on than: "Maybe a couple more weeks"

i can't handle that big a time frame. So day by day is how we operate.

As of today, he's been in NICU for 18 days. He's gained 11 oz and is now 5lbs 6 oz! He is a free-range baby, the feeding tube is gone and he bottle feeds like a champion and last night we had a very successful nursing session. He's in a basinette in room temperature and has been able to maintain his body temp in the outside air really well.

A few days ago, as B-rad and i were heading to the hospital to visit Chewie, there were these amazing clouds in the sky, and as the sun was setting it really illuminated them perfectly with a sliver lining. B-rad stopped the car so i could take a picture.

To me, it was the perfect shot of our little one in Intensive Care. The hospital, the nurses, doctors and medical staff, not being at home with us - those were all the cloud. The fact that he's healthy and improving everyday and perfect in all other aspects and soo sooooo loved.... that was my silver lining.

Part Five - NICU

2008-07-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

The day Chewie was born was pretty intense, and after the drama of delivery i was wheeled up to a private room in the Maternity Ward. They 'settled me in' and it seemed like an eternity of people coming in and out talking to me, checking me out before we were able to go down to NICU to see our son.

When we got there, my heart shattered into a million pieces when i saw my son, so tiny and so little, laying in an isolette with a breathing tube in his face. He was wheezing, and i wanted to pick him up and hold him, but couldn't. A nurse told me that the wheezing was from the breathing tube, it had a small leak, it wasn't from Chewie. It made me feel better, but only slightly.

His face was purple and bruised from his big trek to the outside world, and the IV in his arm, and all the monitors made me cry. I kept thinking "You poor little guy, you didn't expect this when you made it out did you?" no, he probably was expecting to be held and cuddled and stroked and touched... instead he got whisked away and had tubes jammed inside him and needles and monitors attached to him. even now, thinking about that makes me feel like my body somehow betrayed him. That i let him down.

The nurse told us we could touch him, so the first time i really got to see my son - all i could do was touch his hand through the little door in his isolette.

After our visit, we went back up to the room and i cried and cried thinking of my little man who should have been with us, but wasn't.

We went down again around 9 pm to see him and were happy to see that his breathing tube had been removed and he was breathing on his own. Good lad. I asked the nurse who was one when she thought we'd be able to hold him, and she said: "How about five minutes?"

Holding his tiny body in my arms, smelling his hair, and looking over every inch of his face... it felt like home.

Part Four...

2008-07-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

The labour and delivery is kind of a blur, but if you ask B-rad he'd probably tell you that i was transformed into a primal animal...

The short story is - birth is an amazing and crazy experience that you really can't pin down with words. But i did it all with out drugs, no epidurals, no episiotomies, just a tiny tear and when B-rad told me we had a son we both broke down and sobbed.

Because he was so early, they were worried about his lungs - they had the NICU staff there and ready to assess the little guy.

His lungs were good enough to cry his first little cry.

I only got to hold him for about thirty seconds before they took him away, but when they put him in my arms, i said: "Hey little guy" he opened his eyes and looked at me. Best moment ever. But over too soon before he was wheeled away.

To help with his breathing, he was intubated and when we were able to go down to the NICU (after a shower and getting settled in our hospital room) it was really hard to seem him on assisted breathing, and attached to so many monitors and hooked up to IVs.

We had a little visit, but not being able to hold him was so hard. So hard.

When we went down to NICU later that night, he was already extubated and breathing on his own after only 8 hours. We knew then he's a fighter.

Part Three...

2008-07-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

The Nurse came in to do the other 'test', which was essentially a pap test, but as she pulled out the stick, she said to her assistant..."We've got something here"

So, they did a cervical exam. Finally. Not sure why they didn't do one from the get go.

"Okay," she said "looks like you're staying here for a while, you're 4 cm dilated. How far along are you?"

"32 weeks"

INSTANT PANIC

it was terrifying. Everything i had ever feared about hospitals was happening to me. Faceless medical staff walking in and out, talking over me, not to me. B-rad tried getting Sunava on"W the phone, and she said that she was on her way... but as they were on the phone a nurse came in and said to me: "Okay, i'm just going to have roll over to your side for me there..." and before i knew it STAB! i was injected with something.

I lost it and completely broke down and sobbed.

"what was that! what are you giving my wife?"

What they had given me was Steroids to help Chewie's lungs develop, it was needed, but the way it was done was awful. it seemed like our vision of a drug free birth was going straight to hell in a very uncomfortable handbasket.

There was a moment when i thought B-rad was going to go to fisticuffs with one of the nurses there. Finally he said; "look, we're not trying to be difficult, but it's all happening so fast and we just need a few minutes"

So the Maternity Nurse, Debbie said: "okay, i'll give you a few minutes to talk it over while i go do some paper work, but then i'm coming back and i'm moving you to Delivery and i'm putting in an IV"

Garrrr!!!

B-rad said; "We had planned to have a Natural Delivery, so this is all very scary"
and Debbie said:

"Well, let me just say this: Yes, Birth is natural - but so is death. That's all i'll say" and walked out.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT FOR!!?!?!???? i still can't believe she said that to us

There it was, the Medical Bullying i was afraid of.

We eventually moved to the delivery room and agreed to whatever drugs they told us i needed, it was like i'd given up - whatever, just do whatever you need.

and then... Sunava showed up with her big bag of tricks and immediately set Debbie on edge
"Uhm, who are you?"

That's our Doula.
"just what exactly is all that stuff?"

"These are just essential oils and some cds and things"

And as Debbie was setting up my IV Sunava asked what the IV was for and she got:
"I've already discussed this with the parents, but it's saline water and antibiotics"

I kept thinking this was NOT going to go well if my nurse and my doula couldn't get along.

Part Two....

2008-07-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

The thing about Summer holidays - is that people go away.

Where was my Doctor? Gone on holidays.
Where was my Mother? Gone on a Pioneer Trek Re-enactment
Where were B-rad and I? You know it, we were on 'holidays'... sigh.

Okay, so where were we?

B-rad did his very best to stay awake until we pulled into Pam's place... he told me later that by the end there he was seeing two roads, not sure which one he was driving on.

we picked up Pam and B-rad hopped in the back seat and got about 45 minutes of sleep as Pam drove and kept track of my contractions which were pretty consistent at 3 minutes apart.

We got to the hospital at around 6 am, and Pam dropped us off at the Emergency entrance and went to park the car. Having her there was just a godsend. She was great. Especially since at this point B-rad hadn't slept in 26 hours.

So, we walked in and the first thing everyone asked us was "Has your water broken?" uhm. no.

People were asking me for my prenatal sheet... "Do you have your Prenatal sheet?" uhm. no.

We went to the assessment room where we got asked everytime someone new walked in the room: "Has your water broken?" uhm, no.
"Do you have your Prenatal Sheet?" uhm, no? "How far apart are your contractions?" "When did you go into labour?"

I was exhausted, and each time the curtain pulled back it was some new person ready to ask the exact same questions over again. By the end, i just closed my eyes and Pam filled them in while B-rad desperately tried to stay awake. I told him it was okay, he could close his eyes and try to catch a few winks. Poor guy. He wasn't blessed with the crazy adrenalin like i was. if this was labour for real, i'd need him alert.

i was sent in to the bathroom to do a urine test and when i came out i was immediately strapped to a fetal monitor where i stayed - in an uncomfortable position, where i stayed for what seemed like forever. The little room was a blur of people coming in and out, asking the same questions over and over... i mean, c'mon! don't they write this shit down somewhere???

Finally a doctor came in to talk to me to tell me that they were testing my 'sample' and it would take about 20 minutes to get the results.

I tried to breathe through the contractions, and it was nice to have Pam validate me when i was having a bad one. She'd watch the monitor and when i was done she'd say: "Good job, that was a big one."

The doctor came back with the test results - "You have an Urinary Tract Infection, which can cause false labour. So, i've signed your release form and left a prescription at the desk, but they're going to do another quick test on you since you're here. it essentially tells us if you're NOT in labour. if is says you are, it could be labour, or it could be infection, but someone will be here soon to do that for you - i'm off. So good luck!"

Oh God. All this pain, all of this drama for a UTI??? i was devastated, yet relieved.

The story - Part One

2008-07-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

It was a pretty normal day. B-rad and i were heading out to the lake for one last weekend of camping.

I had spent the day running around picking up a few last things before we went out of town. I had my brother Willy Billy with me to do all my heavy lifting, on the condition that if he was my lacky i would buy him lunch. While standing in line at CrackDonald's, the lady at the register asked Willy Billy when i was due. "Is she about to pop?" i laughed. i get this all the time.

"Nope, i've got two more months"

the response to that is usually something along the lines of: You're SOOO big already!!! You poor thing.

after all the errands were run, i went home and loaded up the car with all the gear... and went to pick my husband up from work - straight on out to the lake we went.

The lake was about an hour and a half drive from home, we made good time - got to B-rad's cousin Nasty's trailer/campsite around supper. It was a scorcher. 34 degrees (93.2 F) with no sign of it getting any cooler. We walked (well, B-rad and Nasty walked and i waddled) down to the beach with our pool noodles and enjoyed a very refreshing, and very much needed dip in the water. i felt like i could have stayed there all day and never get out. but - i was hungry, so we went back to camp and had some supper.

At about that time, i started noticing that my back was starting to hurt. I figured it must have been from all the walking around i did, then the drive, then sitting in bad camp chairs. B-rad and Nasty decided to go out for a bit of night-fishing at around 8:30 and i opted out, saying my back was sore - i'm just gonna relax.

The back pain didn't seem to be getting any better no matter what chair i sat on, so i waddled my way into the trailer and had a little lie-down on the bed, hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. B-rad and Nasty returned from fishing around 10:30 and checked in on me. I was feeling pretty crappy by this point, and as i had been having Braxton Hicks earlier that week, when Nasty asked me what was wrong i said jokingly; "Oh, i'm just having contractions, that's all."

He panicked a bit: "What? Don't you have that baby in my trailer!"
"Nasty, my due date isn't for another two months!! i'm not going to have the baby today." (famous last words)

Some friends of ours were also up at the lake that weekend, so B-rad and Nasty left me to lay down and went to visit/drink with our friends.

in the trailer, i tried to sleep... but it didn't work out too well. Every time i'd just barely fall asleep i'd wake up thinking my back was ripping itself off my body. Half asleep and in pain, i was vaguely aware that this MIGHT be more than just a day of bad camp chairs.

B-rad returned around 2:00 am to find me still awake and breathing through some nasty back pains that were accompanied by what felt like really bad menstrual cramps. I'd never had a real contraction before, so i wasn't quite sure what was going on. But when B-rad came to bed he had the brains to say: "are they quite regular? maybe we should be timing these."

So, we started timing them. And the really really sucked. To keep me distracted, B-rad and i played the Band Name game, where one of us starts with "A" and thinks of a band name and then then next person has "B", etc etc etc. We went through the game 3 times - and moved from the trailer to the road, to the camp shower.

Finally, when it seemed like they were getting worse rather than better, around 3 am, we figured it was probably time to call our Doula, Sunava, just to see what she said.

So B-rad called, and woke her up and told her what was going on. We talked to her for about half an hour, she talked me through a few contractions, and when i finally told her that i felt a lot of pressure with the contractions, like i had to use the bathroom....y'know, number 2.... she went a little quiet, then said...

"Y'know, maybe you better just make the drive back to the city."

So, with the Return Home Order from our Doula, B-rad quickly packed up our stuff threw it all in the backseat of the car, stuck his head in the trailer to tell Nasty we were leaving, and we started the 1.5 hour drive back to the city with instructions to call Sunava once we were on our way to the hospital.

Now.
B-rad has been working 12 hour days at work all week, getting up every day at 5:00 am. And the night before - the lucky boy got laid ;) so he was running all that day on 4 hours of sleep. By the time we left the lake, he had been awake for almost 24 hours on 4 hours sleep... and it was just about dawn with that inbetween light, driving on country roads... with his pregnant wife in labour beside him who was in NO shape to keep him focused and awake on the road. ANNND, he had been drinking that day in the hot sun. *NOTE: He was by no means inebriated by the time we left - had he been we would have gotten someone else to drive us.

My sister in law lives in a small town on the way back to the City. i made the suggestion that we stop and pick her up and have her drive us to the hospital so B-rad could get a teeny bit of sleep anyway. After calling 5 times, my brother answered the phone.

"I need to talk to Pam!!" i said.
she picked up the phone and i said: "Hi Pam, how are you? sorry to wake you, but uhm, if we come and pick you up will you drive us to the Hospital?"

and she said; "....yes."

TO BE CONTINUED

Quick Update...

2008-07-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick note to say that i'm going to be mostly offline for a little while.

B-rad and i delivered a healthy baby boy Saturday afternoon. 2 months early. He's still at the hospital in Intensive Care, but he's strong and was breathing on his own after only 8 hours on a ventilator

The official stats:
4lbs 11oz
18.5 " long

The labour story is really interesting, but i'll save it for another day.
for now, rest for me.

love
laura

Day #55

2008-07-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Well, we've made it this far. Can you believe it's July already? It seems like just yesterday i saw that little pink cross on the pregnancy test - was Christmas that long ago?

You make me: Hot, Sweaty, Puffy, Swollen, Uncomfortable, Sleepy, Sore, Excited, Anxious, Worrisome, Happy, and Nervous.

I've been having a lot of Braxton Hicks lately, my mom - your grandma D, laughed at me when i told her. She's so smug. lol.

I've been having trouble sleeping. For a few reasons... my belly just is too big to find a comfortable position for longer than, say, 2 hours. And you constantly settle down on my bladder causing me to get up to pee a zillion times a night... the most frustrating thing? That i HARDLY PEE AT ALL!! GAH! i don't know if there's anything more frustrating that getting up feeling like you're about to explode, and just getting a few drops... then heading back to bed, only to lay down and think....God, i have to pee...again???

But probably the hardest thing to deal with right now is not being able to cuddle up to your daddy at night. Our bed looks like a Sultan's bed with pillows all around me propping me up in various ways. We're lucky if your dad and i can hold hands before falling asleep. I do miss him. But, as he said last night - it'll all be over soon and it will totally be worth it.

He's right.

All of this is totally worth it. I can't wait to see you.

Love,
Mama.

Maiden/Mother/Crone

2008-06-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking, the last few days, about how much of a change this baby is. i mean, yeah - i've always known there would be changes. But just in the last little while it's really starting to hit home for me.

I'm making a transition.

I am coming into a new phase of my life.

I am birthing myself from Maiden to Mother, and that is an exciting but scary place. And i know that women do this all over the world, every single day, but i've never done it before. Everything about this experience is new, exciting, and frightening. I try not to bore or burden people with what's going on in my life... i think: "Laura, you are not the first person to give birth" and it's true. But i have to keep that in balance with my experiences, because they are mine, they are important, and i don't want to de-value them. it's a fine line to walk.

Everything is changing. I am looking at myself in a new way. I feel like i'm leaving one exclusive club, and joining another. I am going to be a mom. I am going to talk about my kids all the time. I know that, i see that. I feel bad for the moms that i've judged for talking about nothing but their kids, in my ignorance about what being a mother entails. How the mind works and how that child replaces everything else in your brain.

The priorities shift.

The expenses change.

The world itself is filled with possibilities and dangers i never realized were there, all because i'm beginning to view the world through the eyes of a mother.

My feelings towards my own mother are changing in a way i never thought they would. Any doubt i may have ever had - that she never loved me or some other stupid lingering teenage angsty doubt - have completely flown. If what i'm feeling now for this baby that i've never met is any inkling of what she feels on a daily basis... i know beyond any shadow that i'm loved. That's an amazing feeling too.

In Western culture, birth is all about the baby... From the Baby Shower to the actual process of giving birth...And i don't mean in any way that it shouldn't be, but i feel that the birth of the mother is equally important and should be celebrated in the same way. i really don't think that it's asking too much. In some tribes the mother is dressed in the same colours and paints as the Warriors when they emerge from their birthing tent. They are celebrated as Warriors. They are acknowledged for the absolutely amazing feat that they've just accomplished, and their rite of passage is as important as the new life they're now supporting.

There is a lack of Rite of Passage or ritual in our culture, i find. Yes, i know that other moms have babies all over the place, but i want to be acknowledged. I want to be celebrated. I want the whole world to know that my body created life and succesfully brought it to the planet. I don't think that this is being selfish. I think this is a right, as a woman, as a mother.

It's not just the baby's Birth Day, but the Mother's as well.

Am i alone in this?

Day #69

2008-06-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

On this, the 69th day before your arrival... i thought you should know that not being able to do the 69 is one of the sacrifices we've made. For you.

Love Mama

Day #70

2008-06-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Everything is going great, you're healthy - i'm healthy. The doctor said you measure at 32 weeks already, and we're only at 30! Currently you weigh 3 lbs 15 oz. A big baby, the doc said. He put you in the 75th percentile.

Daddy and i looked at your brain, your beating heart, we saw your thighs, and your kidneys. When asked if we wanted to know if you're a little girl Chewie or a little boy Chewie, your dad wasted no time saying no! we're going to wait for the big surprise.

You are the absolute highlight of my whole day. When the doctor finally moved the ultrasound to show your perfect face, i couldn't help but start crying. I could see you there. Your little cheeks, your tiny hands, i was smacked in the face with a wave of love for you. Even though we didn't find out your sex, i had a feeling of "That's my little ______!!!"

At the appointment with Dr. X, she measured my belly and verified what the ultrasound had already told us... you're going to be a big little one. Oh, and some other good news is that mommy's blood sugar is fine... y'know what that means?? oh yeah, no Gestational Diabetes for me! WOO! i can't wait to have an ice cream cone!! yes!! And it turns out the Dr. X has no problem doing delivery in a squat or on all fours! Things are coming up roses baby!

i can't stop looking at your little cheeks.
i love you so much.

Love Mama

Day #71

2008-06-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Tomorrow is a big day! Daddy and i are going to have our second ultrasound, and to see you!! I can't wait to see you moving around, to see your heart beating, and to get a new picture to share with everyone. You're already a celebrity.

You're growing so fast, every day it seems like my belly gets bigger. The stretch marks everyone promised me have finally started showing up, in FULL force, but only at the bottom of my belly. Last night Daddy commented that i could just set my belly on a table, thats how far out it sticks.

Nightimes are getting harder for me.

It seems that you start your arobics every night promptly at 11:00 pm, using the bed as a spring board when i lay on my side.

Also, I can OFFICIALLY no longer lay on my back, not even for a little while, without feeling all out of breath. I used to cherish those few minutes before going to sleep, and before getting out of bed when i would lie there flat on my back. But those times are gone now. You're big enough to put a sufficient amount of weight on my veins and make me dizzy.

My sweet little heater, yesterday was the first day that we turned on the a/c in the house. The thermostat said 25.5 degrees C when i got home. My entire body was covered in a film of sweat within minutes of walking in the door. You and me got a looooong way to go, baby. I turned off the a/c before bed, thinking that the open window would be enough to cool down the room. Not so. There's nothing quite like lying in a pool of your own sweat while your partner sleep soundly under a sheet and blanket next to you.

I envy your daddy's sleep. It's true. Sometimes i look over and see him laying on his stomach and remember the good old days when i was able to do the same thing. He also doesn't have to wake up every 3 hours to pee, but i'm chalking that up to training for midnight feeding sessions.

I worry about our cats.
You'll meet them soon enough, although you probably can already recognize them by their distinctive purrs. Both Kozmo and Cinda love to lay next to you. Kozmo especially likes to be close to the big round belly. I am worried, though, about them deciding to sleep with you, or on you when you finally get here.

Daddy and i will keep you close to us for the first few weeks. This will be an adjustment for our feline housemates. They are used to coming and going as they please in the night, making themselves comfortable on any part of the bed they see fit. When we close the door, we're inevitably woken up in the middle of the night by mewing and scratching by those cats who want in and can not believe that we would lock them from their bedroom!!! it will be a definate change for them, and us.

They also have declared your nursery as their own property. Cinda and Kozmo have both claimed your bassinet as their own personal sleeping abode. That fuels the worry of how they will react to you moving in on their stuff. I try to keep the nursery door closed to keep them out of there, so they won't get used to being in there, but the odd time i forget to close the door when walking in and out.

Every time i do forget, i find your stuffed giraffes and rattle at the foot of the bed. Part of me is proud and a little touched that one of the cats has 'killed' something and left it for us as a trophy, and the other part of me worries about how easily they have made your crib their playground.

There are so many things in our lives that are about to change. And, as much as i fear change, i am so excited. You are so very worth it, little rock star.

Love Mama

what the?

2008-06-11T08:28:00.001-07:00

Uhm,

My belly button is missing.

Have you seen it?

seriously, i could have sworn it was there two days ago, but yesterday while getting ready for a shower i looked down at my growing baby-belly and noticed that it has vanished.

Didn't i used to have one of those things??

Eventually B-rad helped me find it, it's about a foot away from where it normally is, and it's getting shallower by the day! I mean, i remember getting out of the shower and having about a gallon of water flow outta there, not so much anymore.

Also, the scar from where my naval ring grew out 6 years ago is way up on my belly and about an inch and a half long! Y'know what's weird? when you put your finger in there, and you can touch the bottom!!!

Dude, it's totally weird.

Day #79

2008-06-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

It's now less that 12 weeks until your due date.
You're growing every single day, and you're big enough now that when you move, you really move!! I can feel it when you get comfortable, when you roll over, and when you stretch. I've finally started getting some stretch marks.

Your active times are getting to be more predictable, and when you're overly active - like when i'm trying to sleep, Daddy and I will sing "Thin Ice" from Pink Floyd's The Wall and you usually calm down.

As we're nearing the home stretch (literally and figuratively) i'm finding myself getting a tad impatient. I want to know who you are, what you look like, and whether your a little girl-Chewie, or a little-boy Chewie.

But, i'm sure these last 12 weeks will fly by as fast as the first 12 weeks did.

Love Mama

The post in which i ramble about my Doula and my Fabulous Hubby

2008-06-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday B-rad and i had our first prenatal appointment with our Doula, Sunava.
It was cool, the more we meet with her, the more my nerves are calmed. We went through our birth plan together, and she explained some of the procedures to us, and when they might be suggested by medical staff, and when we might consider them.

It was great to get that information now - and to be reassured that she knows what the pros and cons of each procedure is, and can discuss our options should the event where one is needed arise - instead of being bullied or co-erced into something we don't want or need for the sake of the medical staff.

we talked, somewhat, about circumcision in the event that Chewie is a little boy. Both B-rad and i don't really see the point of one, or the necessity. And it was nice to have her give us the background and her insights on the procedure. She also let us in on some fairly disturbing face cream information... shudder.

At the end of the session, she sent us home with a few excersizes to work on. So, currently i'm learning how to 'squat'. Millions of human beings all over the world squat on a daily basis. Not so in westernized culture... so i have to re-learn my body how to squat properly, and build up the stamina to do it through contractions.

Did you know that when you squat, your pelvis is 25% more open than it is if you were on your back?

The other excersize deals with Kegels, obviously an important workout for before and after birth. But i was glad that she suggested that B-rad and i do them together. This takes less of the burden off of me, and instead of him saying: "Have you done your Kegels today?" he says things like: "Should we do some Kegels before supper?" That way, if i forget - i don't feel like such a doofus, instead i have support annnnd a partner!!

After our appt, B-rad and i went for a walk and treated ourselves to an Oreo Blizzard to share - and when we went to watch Sunday Night cartoons - we realized that they conflicted with other important programming that we were recording - like Robot Chicken and Rick & Steve. So by happy accident B-rad and i ended up spending the evening in bed, catching up on the Sunday night comedy lineup.

The height of our bed, and the height of our bedroom tv left us the only option of spooning the entire time so we could both lie down, and both see the screen. This, of course, led to tickling, snuggling, and laughing. We were having such a good time that when all our shows were over, we opted to stay in bed and 'hang-out', even though it was only 9 o'clock.

"We need to make sure we still do this, after the baby comes" i said. "even if we lay here and talk about nothing but the baby, we still need to connect like this. okay?"

He agreed, wholeheartedly.

It's those moments that made me fall in love with him in the first place, and even though we've been together for almost ten years.... i still enjoy his company, find him sexy, and love him to pieces.

My friend Madge always told me that when she married her husband, she didn't think there was any way that she could love him more. That is, until he became the father of their son. I explained this to B-rad last night saying that i'm starting to understand what she meant. It's like we're moving up in stages. I love him like a Best Friend, a Lover, and now there's this whole other element where i'm starting to really feel that family love. It's a softer, gentler love, but one that is so consuming.

We continued to lay there, talking, looking into each other's eyes...

and then we had hot hot sex.

Well, as hot as it can get when you're awkwardly moving your big belly around, trying to get comfortable.

Sex is becoming something completely hilarious. Still awesome, mind you, but the experimenting is awkward - albeit fun. ;)

Day #83

2008-06-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

You and I are a team. I was telling your dad last night, that even though there will be people in the delivery room 'helping', like Daddy, Sunava and the staff - the only one who is doing this with me is you.

I know, somewhat, what we're up against - and I'm scared.
I can only imagine how you will be feeling, floating in your snug little home and then having your home essentially reject you - and push you and squish you, will you be scared? will it hurt you too?

Little one, try not to be scared. You and i are doing it together, and when you finally get here you will be loved like crazy! Your daddy and i can't wait to meet you, and we love you so much already.

I will do everything i can to make labour fast and healthy for both of us, if you promise you'll do everything YOU can on your end. The sooner we get the scariness of labour over, the sooner we'll be together.

i love you forever,
love mama

Day #85

2008-06-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

it's been a few days, and a pretty long car trip - but i have to say i'm impressed. You were mostly well behaved and let mommy get to and from Calgary in one piece, only having to stop every 200 km to pee...

Everyone already loves you. They love to touch my belly and feel how round and hard you're making it.

You were shy at first, but eventually showed off by kicking me so they could feel.

Last night, i was watching a movie with your aunties and i knew it was 11 o'clock because you started kicking like crazy.

I told daddy last night that i no longer had a very strong "Girl" feeling or "Boy" feeling. Everyone keeps saying "he" when talking about you, including me and your dad. I don't care, i just want to see your little face, those tiny fingers and perfect toes.

Love Mama

Day #90

2008-05-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Yesterday i found something awesome!

I was thinking about when i was little, my mom (your Grandma D) used to sing us to sleep with a song that was trapped in the back of my head...

Have you heard about the children's train?

That in the dim twilight

Takes you off to Sleepyland

And keeps you there all night.

It is a very fast express

And goes, I understand,

To Sleepytown. The Capital

off good old Sleepyland.

Then Choo Choo Chooo

Then Engine Puffs.

Ding Dong, Ding Dong Bell

Wooooooooooooo

The whistle blows

Over Hill and Dell

Tickets! Tickets!

Please hold them in your hand!

A good night kiss will do, as well,

For fare to Sleepyland.

And i knew there were more words... i just knew it!! So i did some research and found... Then entire song! The sheet music!!

I am so excited. This song will now be part of your childhood memories too!!

Love Mama

Day #91

2008-05-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

yesterday marked the calendar version of my entrance into my third trimester!!! your dad and i always argue over how far along i am... he goes by the month, not the week... why? cuz he's a guy. and that's logical. You're due August 28th, and therefore i am now officially 6 months pregnant.

But your mommy (that's me) goes by weeks? Why? cuz everyone else in the birthing world does. The books, the doctors, the articles....

Either way, there is about 12 more weeks left on your little egg-timer of baby baking. Don't get me wrong, you're welcome to stay as long as you like (sure, she says that NOW), but i am starting to feel a little weary, little one.

You know when you're done, and you'll come when you're ready.
But right now, when i actually sit and think about how much time there is left... it's really not that far away. And your Grandma D (that's my mommy) tells me that your Uncle B was 2 weeks early, that I was 1 week early, that your Uncle P was right on time, and your Uncle W was 3 weeks early.... i mean really, you could come any time in August!!

you might be here EVEN SOONER than 91 days!
And the countdown continues!!

Love Mama

Day #92

2008-05-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Chewie,

Your daddy and I are going to do everything in our power to bring you safely into this world, surrounded by love and good energy. Together we are creating a family.

we love you so much.

Love Mama

Little Rock Star

THREE!

Conversation with Chewie who is 2.5 years old

Chewie: Here mom, i got this cookie for youMe: I don't want a cookie.Chewie: Don't worry, mom, it's okay. i'll eat it for you.Me: You're a criminal mastermind!!

relief

THIS JUST IN:

Artoo's Birthday

32 weeks and still going strong

he wants to bowl with the gangstas

First Haircut

i am the diva's baby - Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Oh yeah...

Good Day, and welcome to week 20

Two Years Old!

Chewie Update

Artoo - update

Almost TWO!

Ladies and Gentlemen - I give you: Artoo

not one of my finer moments

happy mom's day

words he uses

Stay at Home vs Working Girl (no, not THAT kind of working girl, perv)

Growing Vocabulary! There will be a test after.

Owning my parenting style...

Eighteen Months

HEY! Internets!!

Dear Chewie

a kwestshun

a post...

Why Puff the Magic Dragon Made me Weep

The Toddler Update

We should change Chewie's name to Christopher...

Tuesday Toot.

tonsils...

Memories

sad sick little boy

LIfe

Twelve Months

Agony.

Eleven Months

On Vomit, and Poop

Ten Months

Victory!!!!!!.........?

Happiness Is...

Tuesday Toot

Nine Months

bathroom related tidbits

tuesday toot.

The Happy Nap.

fabulous

Eight Months

getting my hate on for hospital emergency rooms

sick baby

Ain't Life Grand!?

Sick Baby

The Pregnancy Thing

Seven Months

We've finally found a loser....and one small victory for mom

Thank the Gods for Grandmas

Peas Please

Sweet Potato Pie!! (without the Pie)

Six Months

Five Months

Thankful by the Tens.

Wahoo!

4 Months

Photos of the Cutest Kid - Halloween Style

cry baby cry

When nothing else works....

Three Months

Baby Massage - Holding Techniqe, Touch Relaxation

Ten Little Things I've Learned About Being a Mom:

Two Months

Word to your Mom

Cheese!

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

One Month

Part Seven - the end...or should i say the beginning?

Part Six

Part Five - NICU

Chewie: Here mom, i got this cookie for you
Me: I don't want a cookie.
Chewie: Don't worry, mom, it's okay. i'll eat it for you.
Me: You're a criminal mastermind!!