Owning my parenting style...

So here we are, 18 months into motherhood. What have i learned thus far on my journey into parenthood? Quite a lot, actually.

I've learned that

• there's a 4 am: Seriously? even when i was a party going bar star* i didn't believe that this 4 am thing existed. *i was never a party going bar star, but i was pretty sure that the world stopped after 2:30
  
• you get used to the smell of poop: i'm not saying that you enjoy it, or want to create a perfume out of it, but the urge to gag and the OHMYGODTHATSTINKS isn't as bad as it was pre-children.
  
• you hear yourself saying things like: "it's just pee.": what is this puddle? Oh, it's just pee. we're fine..... AS OPPOSED TO WHAT!?
• Routinely picking my child up from playing and shoving my nose into his bum area is just another day at the office: Hey, is that MY kid that smells? Nope? Okay! Carry on!
• you just get used to being covered in various bodily fluids. It becomes part of the Mom Uniform - that and sweat pants: I've come to decide that any woman who calls herself a mother of a toddler who actually looks put together and is wearing nice lipstick may quite possibly be a space robot, and their children should be avoided as they will inevitably try to suck your kids brains out. beware.
  
• I have a lot more patience than i ever thought possible, and conversely, i have no patience. I will sit with Chewie for HOURS (Read: fifteen minutes - because that's currently the extent of his attention span) and colour, or read the same book over five times, or help him put on daddy's boots - take off daddy's boots - put on daddy's boots - take off daddy's boots, and i am sometimes amazed at how i (sometimes) am able to handle the tantrums. However, put me in a movie theatre next to some stupid teenager, or on the road with moron drivers, or GOD FORBID, in the mall... my patience is very slim - and if i am able to be at any of those places SANS baby, you can bet your sweet ass i don't want to waste it in line while you decide, like, which type of frappaccino you want, like ohmigod, did you see becky at that party?
  
• it's okay to let go of the 'ideal mom' and just be the mom i am.

the last one is a biggie.
When i got into this whole parenting game, i had such high hopes and ambitions of doing it all 'right' - giving 110% and being the best mom that Chewie could ever have.

Here's the thing, there are a lot of ways to be a bad mom, but there also isn't only ONE way to be a good one.

There are a few things that i'm proud of with Chewie - that i had a doula, who was fabulous on the birth day, that i was able to deliver Chewie without drugs, that i was eventually able to nurse him and sustain him for almost a whole year, that i was able to make all his baby food, that i learned how to soothe him with infant massage.... to name a few.

Mother's to Be have all these expectations, and Mothers that Are have all this advice and ideals and can be pretty judgy and preachy - and it's a lot of pressure. One, to live up to your own expectations, and two; to try to fit yourself into this *MOM* mold that the world thinks is THE WAY TO BE A GOOD MOM

I've learned that i really have to be gentle with myself and to forgive myself those expectations that i didn't quite meet.

I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but when mat leave ended - we just couldn't afford it... so i went back to work. I felt guilty and still do, when i take him to the sitter's and he cries and tries to block the door so i can't leave. It still breaks my heart. But not being a stay at home mom doesn't make me a bad one.

I may have wanted to put Chewie in cloth diapers - but in the end, i couldn't do it. I know myself and how hard it is to keep up with my OWN laundry, let alone the laundry of the new baby PLUS the cloth diapers. I felt guilty about this for a long time before i was able to just let it go, telling myself that i knew myself better than anyone. Yes, i know the benefits of cloth vs disposable - but i just had to let myself let this one go. The fact that he's wearing disposable diapers does not make me a bad mom.

I tried to avoid the loud and flashy baby toys for the simple reason that they annoy(ed) the piss out of me. I had to let this one go when i saw the way Chewie's eyes lit up and how much he loved playing with his little boom box. Letting him play with loud flashy toys does not make me a bad mom.

I admit to, on more than one occasion, plopping Chewie in front of a Disney movie with a bowl full of Goldfish crackers so i could lay on the couch. This doesn't make me a bad mom, in fact - i would argue that those few minutes of solace on the couch make me a better mom, because i'm less likely to murder him if i can sit down for a few minutes. ;)

There is so much pressure on women to be successful in their jobs, to be independent, to keep a spotless house, to be a great chef who provides nutritional well balanced meals for her family, to be a wonder mom who teaches and plays and clothes and launders and bathes her children, and then to top it all off to have the energy and the desire and the GAMS to be a super sexy LOVE goddess in the boudoir... Does anyone EVER achieve this?

Honestly, i haven't shaved my legs in over 3 months.

There just isn't hours in a day to do it all, unless i start snorting coke.

I know that i have been a promoter and a pusher of the things that i have found valuable in my experience (i.e. natural birth, breastfeeding, etc.) and one friend of mine told me, quite defiantly, that she fully planned on getting the epidural and was planning on formula feeding. I told her that i could never judge her for what works for her, and no one should. She knows herself better than anyone. And i really felt awful that she felt that i would think less of her for that. It showed me i need to rethink the way i phrase some things.

and who's to say that had my son been born on time and not 8 weeks early that i might have caved and asked for the drugs. He was 4lb 11oz when he was born, so yeah - it hurt, but not like a 9lb baby would! And as for breastfeeding, well, that almost didn't happen for me - it took a lot of hard work and a lot of will power and a lot of desire and patience to make that happen.

But in the end, if i had HAD to have a C Section, or use drugs, or formula feed... or use disposable diapers, or sometimes let Chewie sip beer, or use the TV as a babysitter so my mind doesn't fly away - this doesn't mean that i'm a bad mom.

So, i've decided to own my parenting style.

To take the pressure off....to stop trying to fit myself into this mold that...well, doesn't fit.
To share advice, but not judge someone else's parenting style.

YES, sometimes i let Chewie eat CrackDonald's french fries - because they're my vice, and i'm also teaching him how important it is to share...so it would be hypocritical of me not to share with him...

But i love my son. I hold him when he cries, i tickle his toes, i read him books, we colour together, i chase him around the house, we giggle, we laugh, we hug and kiss, and i know that i am being a good mom.

Eighteen Months

Dear Chewie,

Today you are eighteen months old. One and a half years. While every stage with you has been an adventure, i am really enjoying 1 1/2. You are hilarious. You are finding things that amuse you, you have a very clear sense of what you want, and what you don't want, and you are beginning to have the capacity to TELL us what you do or do not want.


There's a new word every day, as you sponge up everything around you. Some of your words are:
mamma
dad
may-na (Maynard, your giraffe)
Downdog
done
DOWN!
Mine
NO!
uh-huh
NO WAY
Cinda (the cat)
**added yesterday: WaaEEE, EeeeAaa. (WallE, Eva - guess what we were watching)

and many other words i'm sure you're saying, but i haven't been able to decipher yet.

You cut another tooth Christmas morning, finally. It had been almost six month since your last tooth and i can't believe how easy it was to forget the process of teething... but now we're back in it again, along with constantly red and chapped cheeks.

Right now, everything is a guitar. ESPECIALLY the guitars. You started rocking out a couple of months ago, headbanging and rocking the 'horns' when ever your dad or i put on heavier music... but just recently you started singing the guitar parts... and the song of choice? every single time? "Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeath. So effin' cute. Our little Rock Star.

But it hasn't been all laughs and giggles and squeals and games of "Chase mom and/or dad around the Loveseat". This may be the most trying stage we've been through, because we KNOW you understand us when we ask you to be nice, or gentle, or to not hit or pinch, but you continue to do those types of behaviours when you're acting out or not getting your way. My dad jokes, naturally, that you and I are a lot alike. Hm.

We've started using the 'naughty step' which has had some mixed results, but hey, you're only one. It's a constant struggle to remember that You're ONLY one!! (and a half) but the flip side of that is that we're starting to expect more from you because you ARE one. Not that i'm expecting you to clean your room or vacuum between the cushions just yet...

Your mama had a rough couple of months there, and sometimes your unexpected big sloppy Kiddo kisses are the exact dose of happy that i needed to get through the day. My little angel-boy, you make me so unbelievably happy sometimes. I just can't get enough of you. I try to remember on those nights when you're awake in the night from nightmares (sorry, you got that trait from me) that i won't always be able to snuggle you in the dark, to feel your chest moving with mine... to be the calming soothing touch you need to relax... but i will always ALWAYS want to.

I'll love you for ever

I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

Love mama

HEY! Internets!!

So,
on top of the craziness of festivus, and the maybe-maybenot of chewie's new teeth which may or may not one day actually pop through those gums and give us all a bit of relief... we are faced with the gross itchy dry skin of winter in our household. And not only that, but Chewie's little cheeks get so red and dry and chapped, and sometimes even crack and bleed. I don't know what to do for the poor little dude, i don't like putting lotion on him, cuz even the baby lotion makes him cry - i can only imagine the sting. I have put some calendula on his cheeks, and that seemed to be helping, sorta.

anyone have any magic mom tidbit to help me out here?

Dear Chewie

Dear Chewie

I'm amazed at how fast you are learning these days. You still only have a few words that you can speak that we recognize, but your comprehension of words increases daily! Not only comprehension, but retention as well. Only two days ago i showed you where your elbow was and you still put out your little chicken wings to show us "Where's Chewie's Elbow??"

I love your passion for adventure, and you seem to have no fear! Your favourite game is running into the bathroom and closing the door behind you. I would have thought you wouldn't like the dark, but it doesn't seem to be an issue for you.

"Peek a boo" has taken on a whole new level of fun when you discovered that YOU could HIDE and be the one peeking. Anything you can find to cover your face... a blanket, a coat, the curtains, your hands... and your laugh when you do the BIG REVEAL is priceless.

Not only have you been busy discovering this world around you, but you have been busy developing more facets of your personality. From the big pouty lips to the PROUD FACE when you accomplish something, you have been dubbed The Most Expressive Baby I Know by your Grandma H (who has seven other grandchildren!)

The other day while waiting in line at the drive through with your big cousin Meegz, we were rocking out to some loud metal music, and when i looked back at you in the back seat i saw you were dancing, waving your hands in the air - like Air Drums!! Since that moment, everytime a Heavy song comes on over the waves, you have to rock out with your drums, just like mom and dad do!

When you're playing downstairs in the Rumpus room, the first thing you do is run over to one of the big speakers and put your head up close and then look at us and do air drums until we turn on the stereo and you dance around the room. Your love of music is very exciting to us, and we're already pondering what type of instrument you might play. Certainly the drums, you have amazing rhythm for someone who's a baby, but you've also really taken an interest in the guitar... you definately have access to them - there's one of every floor of the house - not including your ukelele and the guitar hero guitars.
The struggles we're having right now all focus on tantrums and hitting/pinching. We're not really sure what to do or how to go about correcting this behaviour right now. We've tried everything from pinching when you pinch, to crying when you hurt us (which worked for a while) to ignoring you when you get aggressive. It is very frustrating, but i can only hope its just a phase...and that you will grow out of it and be the gentle sweet baby you were last month.

You still only have six teeth (four on top, two on the bottom) and the last time you cut a new tooth was around your birthday in July. Then we plum forgot about those little chompers until these last couple of days when i clued in that your crankiness was also being accompanied by red cheeks, drool, and mild fever/runny poops. You won't let me anywhere near your mouth and some days you hardly eat - even cold or frozen food can't entice you. I hope that tooth that's bothering you cuts through soon. Poor little dude, there's nothing worse than seeing you in so much pain.

You test your boundaries more and more every day, which is funny and frustrating at the same time. As much as we feel like you might be murdered, we can't imagine our lives without you.

Love
Mama

a kwestshun

Hey folks,

how do you know or decide when your little munchkin is ready to make the big move from two naps to just one?

Chewie is 16 months old now (14 months corrected age) and some days i think maybe he's ready - but then when we try it out...Oh Em Gee, the terror that ensues.

When did your kids move from 2 to 1? and how did that transition go?

a post...

Dear internets,
i have been amiss these past weeks... life - y'know how it is... but a friend sent this to me today, and even though i'm not all about forwarding emails, i thought it was worth a read... enjoy..

Laura

The test for "Child" readiness.

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the brand new suede sofa you just special ordered. Oh, and hit those windows and gorgeous window swags too. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there until next August.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and shove it under the front of your dress. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the person behind the counter to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase your favorite golf or fashion magazine. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Try keeping your voice down when you repeat the same thing to them 50 times.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. Keep a smile on your face as you do so.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while

pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Turn over the keys to your BMW and buy a mini-van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Slide it into your DVD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can do a better job. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Why Puff the Magic Dragon Made me Weep

(originally posted on iamthedivablog.com)

Okay, so... a lot of celebrities have passed this year, and i generally try to stay away from posting about these people like they actually meant something to me on some level, because other than the fact that i knew who Farrah Fawcette was, or had a lot of Michael Jackson albums before he went all wonky, or even how i fell in love with Patrick Swayzee in Dirty Dancing and Ghost... i have nothing really relevant to say about any of these people.

really, i have nothing of relevance to say about the passing of Mary Travers from Peter Paul & Mary either, except that when i was driving home in my car yesterday i wept.



like i was saying, i was driving home from the doctor yesterday and was listening to CBC Radio2 and of course everyone was talking about the death of Mary Travers, who died after a long battle with cancer - and i learned a lot in those few minutes; about her life, how she grew up in Greenwich Village in the 60s, and how the group Peter Paul & Mary and their song "If I had a Hammer" was so influential in the sixties...

In tribute to Mary, they played - not "If I Had a Hammer", but "Puff the Magic Dragon" and i thought "Hey! I haven't heard this song in, like, forEVER!"

So, i cranked the volume up to eleven and sang along the best i could with my gargly voice and clogged sinuses.

Happily i imagined Jackie Paper and his dragon playing very much the way i imagine Chewie plays with his giraffe Maynard. My heart warmed as i placed my very own son in the role of Jackie Paper, frolicking in the autumn mist with Maynard by his side.

Having adventures and travelling on a boat with billowed sail, fighting pirates...

I smiled as the nobles kings and princes bowed when er' they came.

I was so engrossed in this imaginary land, watching my son play in my mind that when that third and final verse started, it hit me in the heart with a wallop.

A dragon lives forever,
But not so little boys.
Painted wings and giant rings
Make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened,
Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon,
He ceased his fearless roar.
His head now bent in sorrow,
Green scales fell like rain,
And Puff no longer went to play
Along that cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend,
He could not be brave,
So Puff that mighty dragon
Sadly slipped into his cave.

How many times have i heard this song over the course of my lifetime? The innocent and beautiful wondrland i was painting in my mind suddenly took a turn as i imagined Puff standing on the shore of Honalee waiting for Jackie to come. His heart breaking, wondering what he did wrong, while Jackie grows up and become a man and leaves Puff for good...

Is there nothing more heart breaking than a depressed dragon who is aching for his friend? In the end, when he slipped into his cave, i couldn't stop the big fat tears that rolled down my cheeks as i pulled into my driveway. I parked the car and leaned on the steering wheel crying into my lap as the full weight of the words washed over me.

oh.

this bittersweet thing that is growing up.

I am not naive enough to think that Chewie will never grow up and leave me, but suddenly there it was... one day, i would be Puff, and Chewie would grow up and while he would always love me and always have a place for me in his heart - I won't be the best number one playmate. The best hugger. The best snuggler. The "mommy".

One Day, Chewie will stop calling me "Mama" and start calling me Mom.
Then i will know, Jackie Paper will have come no more.
And i will be brave, but inside My Puff will sadly slip into her cave.

The lesson: To do it now. Be his Puff now. He will grow up too fast.
Thank you Peter Paul & Mary