today marks one month from the day you were born. i'm not really sure how it works now, am i supposed to be keeping track of your age in weeks still? or months? i don't really know how it works. But today is the 5th... and you're one month old. Or, four weeks and 3 days old.
This has been the longest and the shortest period of my life. I am finding it difficult to remember what my life was like before you came. And since you've been home, the last two weeks have merged one day into the next. i'm never quite sure what day it is. My life revolves around feeding and sleeping and changing your diapers. The first few days that you were home, i thought i was going to die of sleep deprivation, because even though while you were in NICU i was pumping milk for you, i only had to pump then go back to bed.
Now that you're here, the midnight feedings are my biggest challenge. Because you were a preemie, you haven't quite grasped the whole breast feeding thing. And also because in NICU you were bottle fed, you haven't gotten the hang of the 'latch'. I've had to use a "nipple shield" which is a silicon nipple that i slip over my own that is more like the bottle that you're used to. It works well enough, but it inevitably leaks milk everywhere, all over your face, all over my belly and the pillows... and it also needs to be heated up before i use it so it will mold to my body better. All of this takes time to prepare. I have to wash the nipple and keep it in a mug of hot water before i can get myself ready (Nursing Pillow, receiving blanket, glass of water) or you ready.
You were (and still are a bit) jaundiced, which makes for a sleepy eater. So i spend a good 30-40 minutes trying to simultaneously feed you and keep you awake, while also trying to keep myself awake. At night we try to give you a bottle with about an ounce of expressed breast milk, to get you to sleep a bit longer. The going rate right now is about 3 hours, but sometimes if we're really lucky - you'll go almost 4 hours at night.
So, with the all the nursing prep work, the feeding, the burping, and the changing... the whole process can take almost 2 hours before you're sleeping soundly again... and then it seems that just when i've fallen asleep - we start all over again.
it appears your cuteness is your ultimate weapon. and you get me with it everytime. it seems that when i'm feeling the most exhausted, or on the edge of sleep deprived despair... you'll open your eyes and just look at me. And i hold you're little peanut body and we gaze at each other, and i know that i would do anything for you. In those moments all the weariness melts away, i can feel my shoulders melt and my jaw release. On rare occasions, you see fit to give me a smile. I know, they say its just gas. and that may be, but it's just enough to keep me going until morning. it's exactly what i need.
What else? oh yeah, you've peed on your dad twice now. I find it kinda funny, but i know that my day is coming - that there are more bodily excretions in my future.
i love to kiss your neck and chew on your pudgy cheeks. you're pretty passive at this point, but i'm sure at some point in time you'll squeal with glee when i do that.
At times i am just amazed at how small you are. Even though you're over 6 lbs now, you're so much bigger than the day you were born, but your bum fits in the palm of my hand... and you seem to get lost in the hugeness of your car seat.
My favourite thing is to have you sleeping on my chest. Your tiny head nestled under my jaw, your arms splayed out over your head and your legs frogged under neath you. I feel comforted by your breath, as i imagine you are by mine. your head resting over my heart. While you lay there, you make the cutest little noises as you breath out. little cooing sounds that make my heart melt into a puddle of goo. I keep you there much longer than i probably should before putting you in your basinette. But i can't help it.
Another fun thing that you do now is creak like a rusty gate. Sometimes the creak lasts so long, we wonder when you'll ever breath in again. it's adorable and hilarious at the same time.
you've completely turned our world upside down and topsy turvy - and we're still recovering and trying to put things straight, although its as though everything has shifted six inches. It's the same, but it's different. We are still learning how to do normal every day things with you, like go to the store, or drive the car.
One thing that keeps me relatively sane is: We've never done this before, but then neither have you. So we'll learn to do it together.
I love you, my sweet little baby.
Always and Forever.