Agony.

Last night, as i was laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, i started going over the things i need to do in the next couple of days, one of those things included calling Chewie's daycare. Then i started thinking about all the thing i'll need to get ready for this big change.

Then i started to think of my sweet little boy, and how much i love his happy smiley face. And i started missing him, even though he was only across the hall. I started to think about how i won't be the one to go in and get him up from his naps, i won't be the one he gives those "Hey! i'm awake" smiles to as he stands in his crib, bouncing up and down with excitement.

If he falls down at daycare, and he looks around for me for a hug, i won't be there. I won't be the one to cuddle and snuggle him with a bottle before his nap.

I couldn't help the tears that flowed down my face, as B-rad asked me what was wrong i admitted that i felt i was abandoning our baby to a perfect stranger, and i feel like he'll forget me, or he'll realize he doesn't need me the way he used to.

I don't know how i'm going to get through that first day. Luckily it will be a short week, that first one back. But still.

My heart is absolutely breaking.

I knew, going in, that at some point i'd have to go back to work - and i avoided thinking about it for almost a full year. Maybe i should have been preparing myself mentally, or even sending him to Daycare a few days a week for us both to get used to the idea. I just didn't want to even let it cross my mind that my one on one time with Chewie would ever end. Now, i'm paying for it in this incredibly sad shift, it will be a shock to my system.

Someone please tell me it gets better, that this is the right thing, that he won't forget me or love me or need me any less. Tell me he won't feel like i've abandoned him, i don't think i can bare that.

In two weeks i'll be back at work. I know, the last year has just flown by, and as much as i hate to do it, i have to start preparing my life for the huge change that will be daycare and job. sigh. I have been avoiding this for the last 6 months but with only 2 weeks left before Chewie's birthday, i can avoid it no longer.

The plus side is that daycare is only 2 blocks away, and i've heard nothing but good things. Still, leaving my son with strangers doesn't particularly make me all giddy inside.

Someone asked me the other day whether or not B-rad and i were going to have another baby, and if so, how far apart did we want them to be. My initial answer was: "Yes, and about 2 years apart" and then i started thinking about the fact that 2 years apart means we'd have to start seriously thinking about baby #2 in the next 3 months. ACK! i can't even process that right now, i mean Chewie is finally at a really fun stage - he's got personality, he's hilarious, he smiles and is such a chatterbox, and he's very mobile and starting to gain independence. I can't imagine doing all this right now, going through the motions of early pregnancy, and hauling him around when i'm as big as a house....

so, from right here - 2 years seems awfully close, but i don't really want them much farther apart because i'd like them to be playmates. Such a conundrum.

What about you guys? How far apart are your kids, how did that play out during pregnancy? I need all the help/advice i can get as that "3 month" marks is getting ever closer.... time to start planning again!?

Eleven Months

Dear Chewie,

Oh what a month it has been. After your stomach bug that landed you in the hospital we found out you were anaemic. The doctors words were: "His iron level is very low, not low enough that he would need a transfusion, but low." So, we made an appointment with our family doctor to talk about your low iron levels. I was confused because you eat a lot of red meat, and have been since you were about 6 months. At least 2 ice cubes of red meat a day, sometimes more.

You're moving so fast these days, hard to get a good shot!

Apparently, babies store iron in their bodies in utero and live off those stores for the first part of their live until its supplemented in the food they eat. Well, i didn't take into account the two months you were early you weren't able to store iron... So, you've been low on iron all this time and i didn't even know. Looking back, now that i know the signs of low iron, it's very clear - yellowish pale skin, dark circles around the eyes, low energy, low weight. And because i was making all your baby food and nursing you, you weren't getting iron from formula or pablum.

Finally enjoying the sun, going for a walk with dad

So we continued with the red meat, but added iron-fortified cereal in the morning, iron-fortified formula, and 1ml of Iron Supplement 3 x a day (as per doctor's orders). After a day or so of super increased iron we could see the results. Almost immediately you were happier, more playful, and you began to really pack on the pounds getting rolls on your thighs and a big round tummy... a fat little baby, just like you're supposed to be.

Once we had that all figured out, i really started pushing the formula and after i just decided that today is the day - you took it after a minor struggle. It seems that's the way it's gone with a lot of our big steps... the day i decided we'd move from the nipple shield to the breast, the day i decided i wasn't getting up in the night anymore, the day i decided you were going to learn to drink juice from a bottle... all those things were not easy, but after one day of fighting you figured out whatever new skill i needed you to learn.

You are truly your father's son...mmm...beer....

The sad thing about moving you to the formula was that after you were getting it fast and with minimal work, you were no longer interested in nursing. It took too long, and to be honest, there just wasn't enough in there to satisfy you. So one day, just before you hit the eleven month mark, i offered you the breast 3 or 4 times that day and each time you refused. And just like that, you were weaned. You haven't looked back, but i have. I never thought i would miss nursing you, but i do. I miss the cuddle time, the bonding time, the way you would reach up and pat my cheek while i was feeding you... and the way you'd look up at me and smile with a big milky grin.

CRASH!!

I'll tell you what i don't miss though; sore nipples, biting, let-down, having to nurse you in the 'family bathroom' at the mall... i do enjoy the freedom to continue doing what i'm doing by just giving you a bottle.

In the mobility department you have really taken off. The little scoot is getting better and better all the time and as proud as i am, i'm beginning to miss the time when i could put you down on the floor, run upstairs and get something and come back to see you where i left you.... but those days are GONE. I'm beginning to realize just how NON-BABY PROOFED my house is. Thank you.

Chewie and Mommy, Mother's Day 2009

You are growing so fast now, and i find myself being trapped between wanting to keep you a tiny little baby forever and being so excited at every new stage of development. My year with you is drawing ever more to a close, and as sad as it is, i'm starting to believe that you'll be fine, but it will be me who will have the hard time adjusting.

You are amazing.
I love you.

Love Mama

On Vomit, and Poop

Over the past 2(3) days, i really feel that - if i haven't earned my Mother Badge before, i have it now.

A nasty bug has infiltrated our house and home, but decided to only hook its grimy little pinchers into the weakest, most vulnerable, and cutest member of our household. Poor little Chewie has spent the better part of the last 2 days sick sick sick.

Tuesday morning at around 5 am, i woke up to hear Chewie making noises, followed by coughing. I went in to check on him and he was limp and so tired, he rested his head on my shoulder and fell back to sleep. I took him to my bed and we laid down, him sleeping on my chest, for about an hour or so.

When he woke up, he seemed happy enough, just kind of listless. So, i nursed him, and he was good until he puked up every last drop of what he just drank. This was the start of what the day was like. I continued to keep an eye on him, his temperature was slightly elevated, but he wouldn't eat, and he wouldn't drink... he wouldn't nurse either. This worried me. I kept feeding him bits of juice/water here and there, but everything i put in him, he brought back up again.

I would have taken him to the Minor Emergency Clinic, but we actually had a Dr. appt for that afternoon anyway, a NICU check up at the hospital Paediatric outpatients clinic.

Poor little guy, it was tough because we just don't have the communication. I can't reassure him other than to hold him while he cries, and to wipe away the vomit and rub his back. sigh.

At the appointment, the Doctor said he didn't like Chewie's colour, and was worried that he was getting dehydrated (as was i) so he sent us downstairs to the Pediatric ER for some blood work and Urine sample - apparently little boys are prone to bladder infections and kidney infections.

So B-rad, Chewie and I spent approx 4 hours in the hospital Tuesday night. Poor little dude. The upside is that we were able to get him to drink a full bottle of juice and water so he didn't need an IV, but the downside was - we had to hold him down so they could get enough blood for a sample. I don't know why that didn't occur to me when they said the words 'blood sample' for some naive reason i thought they'd just poke him with a pin and take a slide of blood and that'd be it.

Oh god, it was awful, again because of the lack of communication... and i'll never forget the look on his face as he screamed at being held down... the look of "Mom! Why aren't you helping me? Don't let them do this to me, mom! Don't!" it kinda chokes me up even now.

But that's not even the worse part, because he wouldn't pee, so they couldn't get a urine sample... which means.... CATHETER! Now, i think i may have written before about how this is a learning hospital, as most university hospitals are... but i think we may have gotten the D student Nurse. And if we had known that a student would be putting in the catheter, i'm pretty sure we would have said something. Needless to say, this was the worst nurse i've ever seen... and poor little Chewie screamed and screamed until he started losing his fight, which was awful to see him give up. FINALLY the other nurse said: "Just take it out. Take it out!" because the stupid nurse kept pulling it out, and putting it back in, and pulling it out and putting it back in, cuz she's a fucking moron. My poor screaming baby, with the tube going in and out of his little pee-pee even attracted the attending Doctor who watched the moron who was hurting my child.

B-rad and i were less than impressed.

The actual nurse told us that they'd put a bag on him, but if he didn't pee in the next 15 minutes, they'd have to try the catheter again.

They walked out of the little cubicle, i looked at B-rad and said; "what the FUCK was that?!"

GAH!

So, long story short, he didn't pee - but i overheard the Pediatric Doctor telling the Stupid Nurse that she was doing it all wrong and that she needed to do X Y and Z with little boys and then something about "next time", so B-rad and i were all ready to demand someone else try the catheter when the Peds Doc came in and declared that he would do the cath. he was in and out in less than a minute.

i mean, okay, i know that everyone has to learn sometime, but not on my fucking kid, especially if you're clearly a goddamned idiot.

So, blood tests were negative - except that my boy is anemic, which is kinda frustrating because he eats red meat twice a day... like, 2 ice cubes full at least, sometimes more. The doctor said that this may be why he is so pale, but the levels were high enough that he wouldn't need a transfusion or anything, that he could sort it out on his own.

And the urine test came back clear, so no kidney or bladder problems... the long and short of it: He has a nasty bug.

So, we took him home and cuddle the hell out of him. The upside at this point was that he hadn't vomited in over 4 hours, the downside... he moved into full blown diahrrea.

So, that night we set up the play pen in our bedroom to keep him close by, but didn't end up using it because the only way he'd sleep was on my chest... which means that I didn't sleep. Well, not very well anyway... and B-rad has been working early so he has been getting up at 5... so in an effort to let him get some sleep i took care of the baby solo, which was very exhausting to say the least.

Yesterday i did nothing except change poopy diapers, and try to sooth the diaper rash that has taken up residence on his little bum. He wouldn't nurse at all yesterday, and not for a lack of trying either. The only thing he'd drink was apple juice and water, and he did manage to eat a bit yesterday. But i spent the bulk of it with him either sleeping on my chest or sitting in my lap.

This morning, after a good night sleep (for both of us) he seemed a littele more like himself, although still fairly cuddly. He had a more solid poop, hooray, and he had some breakfast and has been generally happy.

As i type this, he's waking up from his nap. He looks like he needs a hug.

Ten Months

Dear Chewie

Hallelujah ~ its finally nice outside!

Mmm, we're having a picnic! And all i brought was this post card!

We've been managing to get out into the sunshine more and more, thank GOD. Our new thing is to walk up and down the driveway {with me holding your hands} while we wait for dad to get home from work. It's funny how in the space of one month you went from tentative step, not sure exactly what to do, to lifting your knees high up in the air and MOTORING. I can feel the excitement in this new found (somewhat) mobility. I know you just want to GO, and to go on your own, but you're still so wobbly. I can feel that it won't be long before you're teetering around the house or running at top speed.

Hanging out with Grandpa, giving out the High Fives!

This past month you did stand on your own, with no help from me or dad, or anything for that matter. It only lasted a few seconds, but it happened. You kept your balance! Now when we play on the floor in the morning before your first nap, i really try to work on that balance - i know it's in there. Usually you're too excited about the cats, or the window, or the toys on the floor, or me to focus long enough to stay balanced, but it's a work in progress.

allllllllmosssst.... allllmosssst.... GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!

Speaking of progress, you've been spending more and more time on your belly this month and spending less of that time screaming! I think you're finally getting the idea that if we put something you want just out of your reach, you can figure out a way to get to it. No, you're still not crawling but you are beginning to use your legs to push yourself around, a lopsided scoot. This is still a relatively new development, so i'm sure we'll see more of this in the next couple of weeks. Dad continues to force you to sit on your knees, and you're starting to not mind as much, now if we could just get you to use your arms as well as your knees, we might be on to something.

I know that everyone says: "You just can't wait for them to crawl, and then you'll be wishing they were immobile again" so i'm really trying to cherish the time we have on the floor together. It's my favourite time of the day... you've just had breakfast and you're happy and babbling and full of hugs and cuddles.

Hey, if i had something on my face, you'd tell me, right?......right??

Speaking of breakfast - we just started giving you Puffed Wheat a few days ago, and i can't believe how much you love them! They're just the right size for you to pick up, and they stick to your fingers a bit... but you just devour them! It's fun to watch you develop your fine motor skills! This month also involved re-learning how to drink from a bottle. You used to do it just fine in the first few months of being home, then you stopped and would have none of it. So we really had to work on it again. I wanted to make sure that you'll take a bottle when i go back to work, and while you won't take formula, you will take a bottle of water with about a tablespoon of apple juice in it. Mmmm, hydration.

he's got the general idea... just need to work on the direction...

Okay, so raspberries are in full effect these days. You've done them before, but now they are enhanced with 50% more spit!!! Yeah, you spray it everywhere, but it's still so dang cute. You're working on different sounds, more and more each day - you've got mamamamamama and dadadadadadadada going for you already, but this month brought "hiiiii" sounds, as well as "babababababa" or "naanananamaanana" or "behhh!" or "oooooh". You've also started grunting again. It's really quite hilarious, and i'm trying to catch it on film, but as always as soon as i bring out the camera or the video camera you stop whatever it was you were just doing and stare vacantly at me. sigh. But it's not just the grunt, it's like a full body grunt accompanied by a chest flex. Like you workout or something. Very manly. Very hilarious.

smiling at my daddy, he's the greatest daddy ever!

I've been training for my triathlon this last month, so most of your bedtimes are spent with daddy. It's nice, because you and dad get some quality bonding time - playing, making new games, reading books, singing. It's fun to watch you two together as you get more and more interactive, and more excited to be with him. He is a great daddy and his face lights up when i bring you into our bedroom in the morning to wake him up for work. I can see you two being two peas in a pod, and i'm imagining the fun times you'll have together as father and son. You really are his pride and joy.

This is my thoughtful pose. I'm thinking about the economy and investing in mutual funds

You've been teething again, which has been exhausting awesome. Nothing has popped through the surface yet, but you're general crankiness, pink cheeks, need to bite, and drool are the tip offs. Those days are hard, and all i can say is thank god for Infant M0trin. In times like those i think back to the days before over the counter pain meds and wonder how the human race survived the teething stage at all? It's a mystery i will never fully understand.

nom nom nom...giraffes, the other OTHER white meat...

Two more months and i'm back to work. Boo. It's really a count down now, and i'm trying to savour the moments. But each day goes by so fast! We found you a dayhome, just a block from our house, but the thought of leaving you with a total stranger every day makes me very sad, and i try not to think of it. The only thing that consoles me there is that our friends have been taking their son to the same dayhome for the last two years and have nothing but great things to say... to me, that speaks volumes.

...all you need is love...

As much as i look forward to the things to come, i am so glad that i'm able to be here and enjoy the stage you're in now. I always want to be in the moment, and you help me to do that. You rock, little dude. And i love you so much.

Love Mama.

Victory!!!!!!.........?

Yesterday marked Chewie's first day standing UNASSISTED!!

Granted, it was only for 2 seconds and he didn't know i wasn't holding on to him anymore... but STILL! That's gotta count for something, right?

Oh, and on the crawling front, still will NOT tolerate being on his tummy, and even though he kinda gets the whole scooting thing with his legs, he refuses to bend at the knee or do anything, really, except put his face down on the floor and scream at the injustice of it all.

poor guy.

Happiness Is...

...walking into your room in the morning saying: "Who's In Here? Who's IN Here!??.....MY BABY!!! Hello Baby!!" you kick your legs and giggle and give me the best smiles every single time.

...the sheer joy you exude

...the way you love the cats, even though they are fairly indifferent towards you.

...preserving your memories in a scrapbook, cuz i'm totally a nerd that way.

...watching your dad play with you. You're very lucky to have such a great daddy.

...the way your chin sticks out when you smile

...eating your toes

...the soft spot where your neck meets your shoulders, and nibbling there

...watching you play and discover the world around you

...the way you grin when you walk to something or someone (with a little help from mom, of course), you look so pleased with yourself.

...the way your eyelashes glisten when they're wet with tears

...the smell of your hair

...cuddles

...the tiny hairs that cover your body, but especially the ones on your ears that light up when you're properly back-lit.

...la la la la la la la la la....... and the other fun noises you make.

...your fascination with ceiling fans

...watching you learn to blow raspberries and covering us all in spit in the process

...the way you constantly wave your left arm in the air... even more so when you're excited about something

...discovering motherhood with you