Thursday, July 16, 2009

sad sick little boy

Chewie has now been a daycare baby for over a week.

I have no idea of whether or not the little guy is adjusting because he's been sick for the last two weeks.

Seriously, like, its just one thing on top of another... and i'm waiting patiently for him to feel better.... lets go through the gamut, shall we?

  • Tuesday 7th - Receives his 1 year immunizations.
  • Wednesday 8th - First day at work for me, first day of daycare for Chewie. The verdict, daycare has a PUPPY, so he could care less that as i was leaving him, my heart was breaking... i cried all the way to work...
  • Wednesday night - he starts feeling the effects of the first shot, and is awake all night. Fevery and achey, nothing new, much like the last times. However, he does not sleep and there for neither do i.
  • Thursday 9th, Call in sick to work and call in sick to Daycare while Chewie recovers.
  • Early Friday morning 10th, my brother's baby is born - Chewie goes to daycare, is fine but has sniffles
  • Saturday 11th, full blown cold for the little man
  • Sunday 12th, PINK EYE!! That's right, pink eye. So, off he goes to the doctor... He has a fever all night and still has his cold so he has a hard time sleeping... i find out that Pink Eye is very common with the Measles... so the fever + pink eye corresponds with the measles/mumps vaccination...
  • Monday 13th, Chewie stays home from daycare with pink eye. Daddy stays home with him, even though he makes more money than i do and doesn't get paid sick days... i couldn't call in sick a third day in a row.
  • Tuesday 14th, Chewie is feverish all day at daycare... and attempts to chomp my hand off... hm....
  • Wednesday 15th, feverish all day at daycare, falls asleep on the living room floor, not napping well, not eating well, still has terrible cold with snotty nose... i put him to bed at 6:45 and he slept until 10:30 - i went in last night and he was boiling... hot hot hot... so we cuddled in bed and he was droooooly... so shall we add teething to the mix? might as well... he is also, likely reacting to the chicken pox vaccine, which - i'm not even sure he should have received... they certainly never asked about that one, i thought it was voluntary? dunno.

He slept all night and this morning was pretty mellow... i'm really hoping that he starts to feel better, cuz it sure breaks my heart to see him so sickly...

aw. little sweetie pie.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


The late great John Lennon once said: "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans" and today i am reminded of that again.

My niece is born. She is beautiful.

She is enormous. 11lbs 10oz 24" long.

She was too big to come out the front door, so they had to section her out.

My brother's girlfriend, Stef, is amazing.

But because of the size of the baby, after the section the uterus would not contract.

Stef lost half her blood volume.

They couldn't stop the bleeding.

A decision was made.

To save Stef's life, they had to take her uterus.

She is 24.

But, the silver lining is my gorgeous niece.

The silver lining is that Stef is still here.

The silver lining is that i was able to be there for my brother while she was in surgery.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Twelve Months

Dear Chewie,

My darling baby boy, today you are One! Hard to believe that one year ago today you surprised us all by making your debut eight weeks sooner than we anticipated.

I can still remember the first night, you were a floor below in the NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit and i was recovering in the Maternity ward, and i felt as if a huge part of me were missing and even though your dad slept on the floor next to me, i felt so very alone. To have you inside me, growing and living through me, and then to have you gone and not even in my arms was such an emotional shock to me, i was so overwhelmed. As i showered that night, i sang your lullabye and cried - letting my sobs drown the water...

To look at you now, you would never know that you were early, except that you are a bit behind in a few developmental milestones. And those aren't even apparent until you're playing with the neighbour's son who is eight days younger than you.

You have the most amazing smile, it lights up your face and your little pointy chin and your big round noggin', and it seems that you've just taken off in the last couple of weeks! Everything around you is a new adventure and i feel priviledged to have spent the last year with you. Your personality is developing new and exciting facets as you find things funny, or sad, or happy, or frustrating.

At long last, my little one, you are crawling with the best of 'em. A few tries crawling in the bathtub and you got the hang of staying on your knees cuz it kept your head above the water. After you figured that out there was one day of trying it out on dry land - and you were off. You lost all interest in walking with our help, and as you gained your independence suddenly you needed to be everywhere, looking at everything, and "what's this?"...."hmm, what's in here?"..... "where does go?".....

questions questions questions.

And while you can't yet verbalize, i see it on your face as you examine the world around you. When i say verbalize, i only mean fully formed words because you definitely have been trying your hand at speech. In the space of days you went from a few babbly sounds to full on attempts at speech. When you go down for bedtime, we can hear you talking away to your giraffe, Maynard, telling him about your day.

When you playing you keep discovering new sounds and the new things that your mouth can do. You're practising with tone and inflection, and sometimes you truly sound as if you're having a conversation! When you talk to your toys I often wonder what is going on in that brain of yours, what you're thinking, and what you'll do next. Oh, the places you will go.

Over this year you have completely turned my life upside down and inside out and i have NEVER been more tired, more physically and mentally drained, or more happy in my entire life. You have taken our home and made it vibrantly alive. You changed your daddy and i from a 'couple' to a 'family' and for that i will always be greatful to you.

As i have fallen in love with you over and over, so have i been falling in love with your daddy. You two are just two peas in a pod. Everything is better with Dad. He knows the games you love to play, he knows the way to make you squeal and laugh, and you both light up in each others presence. Thank you for opening up that side of your father. I love to see you two together, whether you're chasing each other around the couch downstairs, or playing EXTREMEM Peek a Boo... or just sitting together reading a book. It makes me so happy to know that you two have a strong bond.

There's no better smell than the top of your head when we cuddle before bedtime. The magnitude of love i feel for you puts me at a loss for words and any attempt i make to describe it feels weak and inadequate.

You are the best part of my day, the shining apple of my eye, the beat in my heart, you make the best parts of my life better.

And it keeps on getting better. Happy birthday little man. You are so very very loved.

Love always,

Thursday, July 2, 2009


Last night, as i was laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, i started going over the things i need to do in the next couple of days, one of those things included calling Chewie's daycare. Then i started thinking about all the thing i'll need to get ready for this big change.

Then i started to think of my sweet little boy, and how much i love his happy smiley face. And i started missing him, even though he was only across the hall. I started to think about how i won't be the one to go in and get him up from his naps, i won't be the one he gives those "Hey! i'm awake" smiles to as he stands in his crib, bouncing up and down with excitement.

If he falls down at daycare, and he looks around for me for a hug, i won't be there. I won't be the one to cuddle and snuggle him with a bottle before his nap.

I couldn't help the tears that flowed down my face, as B-rad asked me what was wrong i admitted that i felt i was abandoning our baby to a perfect stranger, and i feel like he'll forget me, or he'll realize he doesn't need me the way he used to.

I don't know how i'm going to get through that first day. Luckily it will be a short week, that first one back. But still.

My heart is absolutely breaking.

I knew, going in, that at some point i'd have to go back to work - and i avoided thinking about it for almost a full year. Maybe i should have been preparing myself mentally, or even sending him to Daycare a few days a week for us both to get used to the idea. I just didn't want to even let it cross my mind that my one on one time with Chewie would ever end. Now, i'm paying for it in this incredibly sad shift, it will be a shock to my system.

Someone please tell me it gets better, that this is the right thing, that he won't forget me or love me or need me any less. Tell me he won't feel like i've abandoned him, i don't think i can bare that.
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