Thursday, October 23, 2008

When nothing else works....

Last night it was a battle - one that i was losing.

B-rad had to get up early, so i said i'd put the baby to bed.

Chewie didn't want to go to sleep, so i tried nursing him until both sides were tapped - but he was insatiable... he would take his pacifier, but wouldn't keep it in himself... i couldn't put him down, i couldn't hold him - every position brought more tears except the nursing position... that would do it and he would fall asleep but wake up as soon as i would move.

finally, i was nearing the end of my rope. i was exhausted - mentally, physically and spiritually. my back ached from holding him in nursing position... my tail bone was getting sore from sitting in the rocker, and my nipples were throbbing from his need for comfort. he started to cry and i picked him up and put him on my shoulder and held him to me... maybe a little too hard cuz he started crying with more intensity...was i hurting him????

i shocked myself out of my haze and realized that i was in no position to deal with him any more. i got up, laid him in his crib, turned on his mobile and left the room

i climbed into bed with B-rad, he woke up and i told him; "i can't do it anymore tonight, i put him to bed, and when his mobile stops he's going to start crying.... and i might just let him cry"

we laid together in silence listening as his mobile played out through the baby monitor... when it ended, sure enough chewie started to cry... i got out of bed, went to the monitor on the shelf - and turned it off, chewie's cries carrying through the hallway.

i got back into bed, put my head on the pillow and imagined my precious baby boy crying alone in his room knowing his mommy was NOT coming to save his this time... and started sobbing. i felt so helpless and guilty and i felt like i was letting him down, that i was a bad mother, that at that level of exhaustion i might unintentionally harm my own child.

B-rad held me as i cried then said; "i'll go get him"

i don't know how long it took for B-rad to get him to sleep, i cried myself out and was passed out before he came back to bed.

This morning, after nursing him, we snuggled on the couch - him sleepin like an angel on my chest and last night seems like a hazy dream. i love him so much. everything looks brighter on this side of morning. I thank the universe everyday for my healthy baby, and my awsome husband.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Today's Gold Medal Achievement:

Up-The-Back-Poop that reaches the shoulders.

it's awesome.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Three Months

Dear Chewie,

i can hardly believe you've been here for three months. The time has been flying by, and you are growing at an amazing rate! Just yesterday i put you in a sleeper that i thought would NEVER fit you, and i'm already having to put some of your old clothes away, they are too small. When we went to the doctor for your 3 month checkup you were weighed in at 12 lbs!

You're chubby cheeks are my favourite thing to kiss. i love the rolls that have developed on your thighs and the ones that are slowly developing at your wrists.

This month has brought with it much more alert time, and you look around this world of yours wide big beautiful wide eyes. You're beginning to follow movement, and sometimes you'll follow the sound of my voice around the room.

You also had your first immunization this month, which was probably harder for me than you. Your daddy held you as they stuck in the first needle, and you cried the saddest cry i had ever heard. You kept crying through the second needle, then daddy rocked you in his arms until you slept - your natural defence mechanism, sleep, kicking in. That night, you starting screaming in your sleep until i picked you up and held you, and i remembered then that you used to do the same thing when we first brought you home from the hospital... that's when i realized you were having nightmares, and i hugged you and held you all through that night.

Speaking of sleep, you've been giving us a good solid six hours at night, so if i time it right i can feed you around 11 and sleep until around 5 am. And you've gotten so good at nursing that you're usually done after about 10-15 minutes... far better than the 45 - hour that we were doing before. Now i'm waiting for that glorious night when you decide to sleep through it!

We've been dealing with a lot of gas pain around here, and i'm finding that between having to limit my diet for your stomach needs and limiting it for my gallbladder attacks, eating isn't so much fun for me, but like so many other things - i do it all for you (and my own health as well). When you have trouble with gas, you stiffen up like a board and push with all your might, and while doing so you make the saddest face with the biggest pouty lips i have ever seen. And your cries of discomfort make me want to cry myself and somehow take away all your pain.

The tummy massage that we learned last week has been helpful, and i've been trying to give you a massage every day. You really like the leg massages, especially since you've been growing so much and standing up with daddy. You don't like the tummy so much, and if i had that much gas i wouldn't like it either. BUT the more we do those massages, the more likely you will keep things moving and it will help alleviate some of the tummy pain.

As you've grown in the past month, you've really started holding your head up, and even going so far as to look around before you flop your head back down. I try to imagine what it must be like to have your vision develop and have this fuzzy world come into view!

You smile more and more each day, but it's still so hard to tell whether or not you're gassy. I choose to believe you're smiling cuz you're happy. I know it makes us light up and laugh and get excited when you smile! It's the best thing i've ever seen.

It's hard to remember that, really, you should only be one month old. i have to keep that in mind when i think of which developmental milestones you should be at already. i'm looking forward to recognition! you already turn your head when you hear your daddy or i walk in the room, but i'm just waiting for your face to light up when you see us, the way that ours lights up when we see you.

love you forever,
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