Wednesday, June 25, 2008


i've been thinking, the last few days, about how much of a change this baby is. i mean, yeah - i've always known there would be changes. But just in the last little while it's really starting to hit home for me.
I'm making a transition.

I am coming into a new phase of my life.

I am birthing myself from Maiden to Mother, and that is an exciting but scary place. And i know that women do this all over the world, every single day, but i've never done it before. Everything about this experience is new, exciting, and frightening. I try not to bore or burden people with what's going on in my life... i think: "Laura, you are not the first person to give birth" and it's true. But i have to keep that in balance with my experiences, because they are mine, they are important, and i don't want to de-value them. it's a fine line to walk.

Everything is changing. I am looking at myself in a new way. I feel like i'm leaving one exclusive club, and joining another. I am going to be a mom. I am going to talk about my kids all the time. I know that, i see that. I feel bad for the moms that i've judged for talking about nothing but their kids, in my ignorance about what being a mother entails. How the mind works and how that child replaces everything else in your brain.

The priorities shift.

The expenses change.

The world itself is filled with possibilities and dangers i never realized were there, all because i'm beginning to view the world through the eyes of a mother.
My feelings towards my own mother are changing in a way i never thought they would. Any doubt i may have ever had - that she never loved me or some other stupid lingering teenage angsty doubt - have completely flown. If what i'm feeling now for this baby that i've never met is any inkling of what she feels on a daily basis... i know beyond any shadow that i'm loved. That's an amazing feeling too.

In Western culture, birth is all about the baby... From the Baby Shower to the actual process of giving birth...And i don't mean in any way that it shouldn't be, but i feel that the birth of the mother is equally important and should be celebrated in the same way. i really don't think that it's asking too much. In some tribes the mother is dressed in the same colours and paints as the Warriors when they emerge from their birthing tent. They are celebrated as Warriors. They are acknowledged for the absolutely amazing feat that they've just accomplished, and their rite of passage is as important as the new life they're now supporting.

There is a lack of Rite of Passage or ritual in our culture, i find. Yes, i know that other moms have babies all over the place, but i want to be acknowledged. I want to be celebrated. I want the whole world to know that my body created life and succesfully brought it to the planet. I don't think that this is being selfish. I think this is a right, as a woman, as a mother.

It's not just the baby's Birth Day, but the Mother's as well.

Am i alone in this?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Day #69

Dear Chewie,

On this, the 69th day before your arrival... i thought you should know that not being able to do the 69 is one of the sacrifices we've made. For you.

Love Mama

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Day #70

Dear Chewie,

Everything is going great, you're healthy - i'm healthy. The doctor said you measure at 32 weeks already, and we're only at 30! Currently you weigh 3 lbs 15 oz. A big baby, the doc said. He put you in the 75th percentile.

Daddy and i looked at your brain, your beating heart, we saw your thighs, and your kidneys. When asked if we wanted to know if you're a little girl Chewie or a little boy Chewie, your dad wasted no time saying no! we're going to wait for the big surprise.

You are the absolute highlight of my whole day. When the doctor finally moved the ultrasound to show your perfect face, i couldn't help but start crying. I could see you there. Your little cheeks, your tiny hands, i was smacked in the face with a wave of love for you. Even though we didn't find out your sex, i had a feeling of "That's my little ______!!!"

At the appointment with Dr. X, she measured my belly and verified what the ultrasound had already told us... you're going to be a big little one. Oh, and some other good news is that mommy's blood sugar is fine... y'know what that means?? oh yeah, no Gestational Diabetes for me! WOO! i can't wait to have an ice cream cone!! yes!! And it turns out the Dr. X has no problem doing delivery in a squat or on all fours! Things are coming up roses baby!

i can't stop looking at your little cheeks.
i love you so much.

Love Mama

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Day #71

Dear Chewie,

Tomorrow is a big day! Daddy and i are going to have our second ultrasound, and to see you!! I can't wait to see you moving around, to see your heart beating, and to get a new picture to share with everyone. You're already a celebrity.

You're growing so fast, every day it seems like my belly gets bigger. The stretch marks everyone promised me have finally started showing up, in FULL force, but only at the bottom of my belly. Last night Daddy commented that i could just set my belly on a table, thats how far out it sticks.

Nightimes are getting harder for me.

It seems that you start your arobics every night promptly at 11:00 pm, using the bed as a spring board when i lay on my side.

Also, I can OFFICIALLY no longer lay on my back, not even for a little while, without feeling all out of breath. I used to cherish those few minutes before going to sleep, and before getting out of bed when i would lie there flat on my back. But those times are gone now. You're big enough to put a sufficient amount of weight on my veins and make me dizzy.

My sweet little heater, yesterday was the first day that we turned on the a/c in the house. The thermostat said 25.5 degrees C when i got home. My entire body was covered in a film of sweat within minutes of walking in the door. You and me got a looooong way to go, baby. I turned off the a/c before bed, thinking that the open window would be enough to cool down the room. Not so. There's nothing quite like lying in a pool of your own sweat while your partner sleep soundly under a sheet and blanket next to you.

I envy your daddy's sleep. It's true. Sometimes i look over and see him laying on his stomach and remember the good old days when i was able to do the same thing. He also doesn't have to wake up every 3 hours to pee, but i'm chalking that up to training for midnight feeding sessions.

I worry about our cats.
You'll meet them soon enough, although you probably can already recognize them by their distinctive purrs. Both Kozmo and Cinda love to lay next to you. Kozmo especially likes to be close to the big round belly. I am worried, though, about them deciding to sleep with you, or on you when you finally get here.

Daddy and i will keep you close to us for the first few weeks. This will be an adjustment for our feline housemates. They are used to coming and going as they please in the night, making themselves comfortable on any part of the bed they see fit. When we close the door, we're inevitably woken up in the middle of the night by mewing and scratching by those cats who want in and can not believe that we would lock them from their bedroom!!! it will be a definate change for them, and us.

They also have declared your nursery as their own property. Cinda and Kozmo have both claimed your bassinet as their own personal sleeping abode. That fuels the worry of how they will react to you moving in on their stuff. I try to keep the nursery door closed to keep them out of there, so they won't get used to being in there, but the odd time i forget to close the door when walking in and out.

Every time i do forget, i find your stuffed giraffes and rattle at the foot of the bed. Part of me is proud and a little touched that one of the cats has 'killed' something and left it for us as a trophy, and the other part of me worries about how easily they have made your crib their playground.

There are so many things in our lives that are about to change. And, as much as i fear change, i am so excited. You are so very worth it, little rock star.

Love Mama

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

what the?

My belly button is missing.

Have you seen it?

seriously, i could have sworn it was there two days ago, but yesterday while getting ready for a shower i looked down at my growing baby-belly and noticed that it has vanished.

Didn't i used to have one of those things??

Eventually B-rad helped me find it, it's about a foot away from where it normally is, and it's getting shallower by the day! I mean, i remember getting out of the shower and having about a gallon of water flow outta there, not so much anymore.
Also, the scar from where my naval ring grew out 6 years ago is way up on my belly and about an inch and a half long! Y'know what's weird? when you put your finger in there, and you can touch the bottom!!!
Dude, it's totally weird.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Day #79

Dear Chewie,

It's now less that 12 weeks until your due date.
You're growing every single day, and you're big enough now that when you move, you really move!! I can feel it when you get comfortable, when you roll over, and when you stretch. I've finally started getting some stretch marks.

Your active times are getting to be more predictable, and when you're overly active - like when i'm trying to sleep, Daddy and I will sing "Thin Ice" from Pink Floyd's The Wall and you usually calm down.

As we're nearing the home stretch (literally and figuratively) i'm finding myself getting a tad impatient. I want to know who you are, what you look like, and whether your a little girl-Chewie, or a little-boy Chewie.

But, i'm sure these last 12 weeks will fly by as fast as the first 12 weeks did.

Love Mama

Monday, June 9, 2008

The post in which i ramble about my Doula and my Fabulous Hubby

Yesterday B-rad and i had our first prenatal appointment with our Doula, Sunava.
It was cool, the more we meet with her, the more my nerves are calmed. We went through our birth plan together, and she explained some of the procedures to us, and when they might be suggested by medical staff, and when we might consider them.

It was great to get that information now - and to be reassured that she knows what the pros and cons of each procedure is, and can discuss our options should the event where one is needed arise - instead of being bullied or co-erced into something we don't want or need for the sake of the medical staff.

we talked, somewhat, about circumcision in the event that Chewie is a little boy. Both B-rad and i don't really see the point of one, or the necessity. And it was nice to have her give us the background and her insights on the procedure. She also let us in on some fairly disturbing face cream information... shudder.

At the end of the session, she sent us home with a few excersizes to work on. So, currently i'm learning how to 'squat'. Millions of human beings all over the world squat on a daily basis. Not so in westernized culture... so i have to re-learn my body how to squat properly, and build up the stamina to do it through contractions.

Did you know that when you squat, your pelvis is 25% more open than it is if you were on your back?

The other excersize deals with Kegels, obviously an important workout for before and after birth. But i was glad that she suggested that B-rad and i do them together. This takes less of the burden off of me, and instead of him saying: "Have you done your Kegels today?" he says things like: "Should we do some Kegels before supper?" That way, if i forget - i don't feel like such a doofus, instead i have support annnnd a partner!!

After our appt, B-rad and i went for a walk and treated ourselves to an Oreo Blizzard to share - and when we went to watch Sunday Night cartoons - we realized that they conflicted with other important programming that we were recording - like Robot Chicken and Rick & Steve. So by happy accident B-rad and i ended up spending the evening in bed, catching up on the Sunday night comedy lineup.

The height of our bed, and the height of our bedroom tv left us the only option of spooning the entire time so we could both lie down, and both see the screen. This, of course, led to tickling, snuggling, and laughing. We were having such a good time that when all our shows were over, we opted to stay in bed and 'hang-out', even though it was only 9 o'clock.

"We need to make sure we still do this, after the baby comes" i said. "even if we lay here and talk about nothing but the baby, we still need to connect like this. okay?"

He agreed, wholeheartedly.

It's those moments that made me fall in love with him in the first place, and even though we've been together for almost ten years.... i still enjoy his company, find him sexy, and love him to pieces.

My friend Madge always told me that when she married her husband, she didn't think there was any way that she could love him more. That is, until he became the father of their son. I explained this to B-rad last night saying that i'm starting to understand what she meant. It's like we're moving up in stages. I love him like a Best Friend, a Lover, and now there's this whole other element where i'm starting to really feel that family love. It's a softer, gentler love, but one that is so consuming.

We continued to lay there, talking, looking into each other's eyes...

and then we had hot hot sex.

Well, as hot as it can get when you're awkwardly moving your big belly around, trying to get comfortable.

Sex is becoming something completely hilarious. Still awesome, mind you, but the experimenting is awkward - albeit fun. ;)

Friday, June 6, 2008

Day #83

Dear Chewie,

You and I are a team. I was telling your dad last night, that even though there will be people in the delivery room 'helping', like Daddy, Sunava and the staff - the only one who is doing this with me is you.

I know, somewhat, what we're up against - and I'm scared.
I can only imagine how you will be feeling, floating in your snug little home and then having your home essentially reject you - and push you and squish you, will you be scared? will it hurt you too?

Little one, try not to be scared. You and i are doing it together, and when you finally get here you will be loved like crazy! Your daddy and i can't wait to meet you, and we love you so much already.

I will do everything i can to make labour fast and healthy for both of us, if you promise you'll do everything YOU can on your end. The sooner we get the scariness of labour over, the sooner we'll be together.

i love you forever,
love mama

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Day #85

Dear Chewie,

it's been a few days, and a pretty long car trip - but i have to say i'm impressed. You were mostly well behaved and let mommy get to and from Calgary in one piece, only having to stop every 200 km to pee...

Everyone already loves you. They love to touch my belly and feel how round and hard you're making it.

You were shy at first, but eventually showed off by kicking me so they could feel.

Last night, i was watching a movie with your aunties and i knew it was 11 o'clock because you started kicking like crazy.

I told daddy last night that i no longer had a very strong "Girl" feeling or "Boy" feeling. Everyone keeps saying "he" when talking about you, including me and your dad. I don't care, i just want to see your little face, those tiny fingers and perfect toes.

Love Mama
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