Last night it was a battle - one that i was losing.
B-rad had to get up early, so i said i'd put the baby to bed.
Chewie didn't want to go to sleep, so i tried nursing him until both sides were tapped - but he was insatiable... he would take his pacifier, but wouldn't keep it in himself... i couldn't put him down, i couldn't hold him - every position brought more tears except the nursing position... that would do it and he would fall asleep but wake up as soon as i would move.
finally, i was nearing the end of my rope. i was exhausted - mentally, physically and spiritually. my back ached from holding him in nursing position... my tail bone was getting sore from sitting in the rocker, and my nipples were throbbing from his need for comfort. he started to cry and i picked him up and put him on my shoulder and held him to me... maybe a little too hard cuz he started crying with more intensity...was i hurting him????
i shocked myself out of my haze and realized that i was in no position to deal with him any more. i got up, laid him in his crib, turned on his mobile and left the room
i climbed into bed with B-rad, he woke up and i told him; "i can't do it anymore tonight, i put him to bed, and when his mobile stops he's going to start crying.... and i might just let him cry"
we laid together in silence listening as his mobile played out through the baby monitor... when it ended, sure enough chewie started to cry... i got out of bed, went to the monitor on the shelf - and turned it off, chewie's cries carrying through the hallway.
i got back into bed, put my head on the pillow and imagined my precious baby boy crying alone in his room knowing his mommy was NOT coming to save his this time... and started sobbing. i felt so helpless and guilty and i felt like i was letting him down, that i was a bad mother, that at that level of exhaustion i might unintentionally harm my own child.
B-rad held me as i cried then said; "i'll go get him"
i don't know how long it took for B-rad to get him to sleep, i cried myself out and was passed out before he came back to bed.
This morning, after nursing him, we snuggled on the couch - him sleepin like an angel on my chest and last night seems like a hazy dream. i love him so much. everything looks brighter on this side of morning. I thank the universe everyday for my healthy baby, and my awsome husband.