Tuesday, January 22, 2008

To wash away the bitter taste of more snow

Originally posted here at iamthedivablog.com

Yes, it's true. We're getting more snow. it has been snowing all day long, and i'd say we got a good 3-4 inches since i left the house this morning.

It seems, though, the the worst is behind us - Jan 21 being hailed as The Most Depressing Day of the Year. so logic will tell us that it can only get better from here right?

i was really starting to get down in the dumps the last few days. Sure, i could chalk it up to the additional hormones i've been dealing with in the last couple of weeks, and that may be partly to blame. But i think, on top of that, i may have a slight touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Just a touch.

Lemme backtrack a bit.

Back when B-rad and i thought maybe procreating wasn't such a bad idea, a good friend of mine called me with the good news that she and her husband were pregnant! They had been trying for a few months, and were super excited. She told me almost instantly - as we had talked about starting our families at the same time. She found out she was pregnant at the beginning of December.

When my little test said '+' i called her that day and told her that it looked like our babies would only be a few weeks apart! it was all very exciting and thrilling for both of us. she and her husband told their families Christmas Day - both sides super thrilled because it would be the first grandchild for both.

a few days later she sent me a facebook message saying she'd lost the baby... and now, here i was... pregnant and reading that my good friend had miscarried, and there was nothing i could do about it. i immediately felt guilty that my body had held on where hers hadn't. and at the same time - ultimate relief that Little Rock Star is still tucked away, safe.

i haven't talked with her much lately, and i know that she's probably still healing, but i can't shake the feeling that she resents me right now. that's an awful feeling. And it may just be the product of my own hormonal delusions coupled with S.A.D.... but January kept piling it on.

B-rad took some time to adjust to the fact that we were going to have a baby. And i totally respect that, but while he adjusted i anguished over it... thoughts of "b-rad doesn't want the baby" and "He's mad at me cuz i'm excited" kept rolling over and over in my mind. it was very hard, emotionally, thinking for that first week that i was all alone in my joy. i couldn't even tell anyone because it felt too soon, and in the light of my friend's miscarriage - it was all i could think about. But after we told our families, and as B-rad called his friends in Cowtown, he caught up with me and is equally excited and terrified.

Please, January, may i have some more?

So, my loverly, beautiful, talented friend Paige Stanton announced before christmas that she and JRK were finally engaged! HOORAY! and when she asked me to be a bridesmaid i emphatically said YES! There was no wedding date in sight, and after the holiday she told me she had been able to secure her wedding spot at the beginning of September. That's when i knew, i had to back out. i was home sick, and reading that email with the wedding date i thought "I have to tell her now." so i called her at work and told her that i was having a baby! she was very excited (she's such a great friend) and then i told her that i had to decline her offer of being a bridesmaid as i am due on August 28th, and by her wedding day i will have either just had the baby or be BIG AS A HOUSE and may go into labour in the middle of the ceremony! she was very understanding, but i couldn't help but feel like a huge jerk face, because i love her and really wanted to be in her wedding party.

and once the word was really out, i kept getting notes and messages and emails from folks saying that they felt like everyone around them was pregnant, and already in a downward spiral i began thinking: "Maybe i shouldn't post on my blog about my pregnancy, maybe i should just announce it, say my thing, and then get on with blogging life" but its so hard. and it seemed like in another area of my life where i had to hide my joy and keep it to myself and it got to be too much.

last week i reconnected with an old old friend and she demanded that we go for coffee to catch up, and when we did i kept saying; "oh, lets not talk about the baby." because i didn't want to make my friend - who was single and living the craziest life i've ever heard - uncomfortable or bored.

with my friends miscarriage, b-rad's adjustment period, having to say sorry to Paige, and then deciding not to talk about it on my blog or elsewhere - i think i had a little nervous breakdown. I vegged all day sunday, hardly moving from the couch. i was up to my tear-ducts in emotion. all i could think of was this was my first pregnancy - i should have been on top of the world but instead i was holding in my excitement so as to not hurt others or overload others on baby talk.

i felt like i was the only person in the world who was happy for me.

of course, now in the light of the other side of Jan. 21, i can see that that's completely not the case. i know that for every scenario i create in my head where i think someone is annoyed with me, there are 100 people who are happy for me. Paige, thank you so much for your emails yesterday, you practically threw down the life line that saved me.

SO, here's the dish. i'm pregnant. i'm going to have a baby at the very end of August - maybe early September! i am excited about this, and as much as i really REALLY don't want this to be a mommy blog - i am a mommy in preparation right now. And there will be the odd reference here and there to the Little Rock Star who has taken up residency about 2 feet below my head.

and thank you to everyone who puts up with little old hormonal-january-sucks-me.

now. here's some cuteness. Watch it and smile. Cuteness.

Oh, and FYI - there are "talks" in the work with The Crazy-Cruises to create an animated feature film about Knut the polar bear starting Suri Cruise as Knut... seriously. the kid is 2, she should be playing with blocks and dolls and stuff.

and here's the translated version of 2 talking kitties

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