Thursday, July 2, 2009

Agony.

Last night, as i was laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, i started going over the things i need to do in the next couple of days, one of those things included calling Chewie's daycare. Then i started thinking about all the thing i'll need to get ready for this big change.

Then i started to think of my sweet little boy, and how much i love his happy smiley face. And i started missing him, even though he was only across the hall. I started to think about how i won't be the one to go in and get him up from his naps, i won't be the one he gives those "Hey! i'm awake" smiles to as he stands in his crib, bouncing up and down with excitement.

If he falls down at daycare, and he looks around for me for a hug, i won't be there. I won't be the one to cuddle and snuggle him with a bottle before his nap.

I couldn't help the tears that flowed down my face, as B-rad asked me what was wrong i admitted that i felt i was abandoning our baby to a perfect stranger, and i feel like he'll forget me, or he'll realize he doesn't need me the way he used to.

I don't know how i'm going to get through that first day. Luckily it will be a short week, that first one back. But still.

My heart is absolutely breaking.

I knew, going in, that at some point i'd have to go back to work - and i avoided thinking about it for almost a full year. Maybe i should have been preparing myself mentally, or even sending him to Daycare a few days a week for us both to get used to the idea. I just didn't want to even let it cross my mind that my one on one time with Chewie would ever end. Now, i'm paying for it in this incredibly sad shift, it will be a shock to my system.

Someone please tell me it gets better, that this is the right thing, that he won't forget me or love me or need me any less. Tell me he won't feel like i've abandoned him, i don't think i can bare that.

3 comments:

Paige Stanton said...

He won't forget you and he won't love you any less. Just think of the big smile he'll give you when you come to pick him up at the end of the day.

Just hurry up and have another baby and then you can stay home with the two of them - day care costs far too much for two kids...

Surprised Suburban Wife said...

It gets better. Chewie will NOT forget you and you will always be his primary caregiver. Daycare workers come and go, but you will be putting him to bed, getting him ready, staying home when he's sick, and providing him with his sense of home and family and love.

That said, be prepared....daycare raises all kinds of emotions in me, almost daily. Sometimes I feel like I should be feeling more guilty or missing her more. Or that my day is missing a rhythym of naps and messes and giggles and naked toddler chub. And when I'm at lunch and I see moms and their kids or babies out and about I get pangs of "That should be me" without even knowing whether those moms work weekends/evenings/are really strapped for money etc.

Pierrette said...

I am a strong believer that you should not rehears things like this because it will rob you of precious time you have with your baby.

You will just have to make sure the time you have with him is well spent.

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