Tuesday, October 27, 2009

a post...

Dear internets,
i have been amiss these past weeks... life - y'know how it is... but a friend sent this to me today, and even though i'm not all about forwarding emails, i thought it was worth a read... enjoy..


The test for "Child" readiness.

Smear peanut butter on the brand new suede sofa you just special ordered. Oh, and hit those windows and gorgeous window swags too. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there until next August.

Obtain a large bean bag chair and shove it under the front of your dress. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the person behind the counter to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase your favorite golf or fashion magazine. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Try keeping your voice down when you repeat the same thing to them 50 times.

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. Keep a smile on your face as you do so.

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Turn over the keys to your BMW and buy a mini-van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Slide it into your DVD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can do a better job. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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