Friday, May 23, 2008

A dream

I knew it was a dream, as i was dreaming it.
Somewhere in that haze between awake and asleep, between my midnight pees and my husband's alarm clock.

I was in labour. The baby was almost 3 full months premature. But all signs were go. Chewie and I were both in good health, and we arrived at the hospital with strange lighting... the birthing room was long and narrow like a hallway, and i could see doctors and nurses talking at the end of the hall... the blue overhead lights flickering...

meanwhile, the labour pains kept coming, but i was feeling no fear. It was like i was so far removed from the situation, i could only watch as things happened around me. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, the doctors and medical staff and all their equipment beeping and sounding off in the distance. Where i sat, it was calm, we were surrounded by white light. It was B-rad and I, and our doula. I stood up, face to face with B-rad and wrapped my arms around his neck and let him support me while the contractions kept coming, enveloped in his loving arms - i was aware of the contractions, but not conscious of the pain.

I felt like it would never end, that there was just pain - that i couldn't feel - but that nothing was progressing. The doula checked and announced that i was 5cm dialated - and ready to go.

"5cm? shouldn't i be 10?" i thought, but for some reason couldn't say. At this point i realized i hadn't said anything this whole time, that people around me were talking, and i was only able to watch things happen around me.

Suddenly - the doctor arrived, and i was standing up again, about 3 feet from the table. He was carrying a silver platter with a Glass like Egg the size of a large watermelon, through the glass i could see a baby sleeping soundly on a soft blanket. "Your order has arrived, Ms. Diva".

i looked down at my belly and was shocked to see it was flat, no longer round and full of life. This was obviously my baby. I was so confused. "This isn't how it's normally done, is it?" i thought... "But then, he is the doctor - he must know what's best". The doula, for whatever reason, had vanished and i felt very concerned and afraid.

As the doctor and his staff proceeded to open the egg on the table, i stood with B-rad to the side of the room, watching - taking no part whatsoever in the birth of our child.

i felt an overwhelming sense of being totally Ripped Off, being cheated out of the whole experience of birthing. All that work, all those months, all that anticipation to have the doctor take over and do the 'delivering' and then pat themselves on the back while the nurses walked away with Chewie.

After what seemed like an eternity, our Doula returned carrying a tiny healthy baby... and as i held it, i knew it was mine but i felt absolutely no connection to it. It could have been anyone's baby, for all my heart was concerned. "Here's your little girl" she said.

I woke up feeling sore all over my body. Perhaps that was what triggered the pain in my dream? I did go to Aquafit yesterday. Still not entirely all there, B-rad was getting up for work. It's a girl, i said... but apparently not out loud. i fell back to sleep, and to dreaming.


Heidi said...

Oh what an interesting dream. Just one thought, maybe you are afraid of a c-section.

i am the diva said...

it's true... i dread the thought of having a c-section.

Eva said...

Many many more strange birthing dreams may haunt you for around 97 more sleeps, so get ready!
I had a c-section. It was devastating. But I got over it (kind of) and have a beautiful healthy baby, so in the end how she made her appearance just didn't matter as much as I'd thought. But still - get that doula and do everything you CAN to avoid that surgery:)
oh and the winnie onesie was a gift from a kind relative so i just had to mention it as an exception to the whole Licensed Chatacter rant, even if I don't really think it SHOULD be an exception :)

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