Monday, July 21, 2008
Part Five - NICU
The day Chewie was born was pretty intense, and after the drama of delivery i was wheeled up to a private room in the Maternity Ward. They 'settled me in' and it seemed like an eternity of people coming in and out talking to me, checking me out before we were able to go down to NICU to see our son.
When we got there, my heart shattered into a million pieces when i saw my son, so tiny and so little, laying in an isolette with a breathing tube in his face. He was wheezing, and i wanted to pick him up and hold him, but couldn't. A nurse told me that the wheezing was from the breathing tube, it had a small leak, it wasn't from Chewie. It made me feel better, but only slightly.
His face was purple and bruised from his big trek to the outside world, and the IV in his arm, and all the monitors made me cry. I kept thinking "You poor little guy, you didn't expect this when you made it out did you?" no, he probably was expecting to be held and cuddled and stroked and touched... instead he got whisked away and had tubes jammed inside him and needles and monitors attached to him. even now, thinking about that makes me feel like my body somehow betrayed him. That i let him down.
The nurse told us we could touch him, so the first time i really got to see my son - all i could do was touch his hand through the little door in his isolette.
After our visit, we went back up to the room and i cried and cried thinking of my little man who should have been with us, but wasn't.
We went down again around 9 pm to see him and were happy to see that his breathing tube had been removed and he was breathing on his own. Good lad. I asked the nurse who was one when she thought we'd be able to hold him, and she said: "How about five minutes?"
Holding his tiny body in my arms, smelling his hair, and looking over every inch of his face... it felt like home.