Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The past 2 weeks have seemed, simultaneously, like the longest time of my life and also the shortest.
The hardest thing that i've ever done in my life was the day we were discharged and i had to walk away from the hospital without him. B-rad held me as we walked down the hallway, and i could feel Chewie getting farther and farther away from me. When we walked out the door, i broke down and cried into my hands while B-rad led me to the car. We sat in the car for a few seconds while i sobbed, and as we pulled away from the parking lot it felt like i was being ripped in two.
I said: "It feels like we just left our heart there and then drove away."
We were both a mess of emotion and tears and we seemed to go in alternating waves of tears. I would cry, and he would comfort me and i'd settle a little...then he would cry and i would comfort him and so on.
My friend Madge was at our house when we arrived. She had cleaned up a little for us and made us supper, and then volunteered to do some quick shopping with B-rad so i could rest. B-rad also called my mom when we got home, and she came over and we sat on the couch with her arms around me.
It was a rough day, to say the least.
but we went back that night, and it was like as soon as we could see him - a weight lifted off of us and we were light and happy again. He's like sunshine on a cloudy day.
The rest of the week(s) have gone by in a blur of visits to the hospital, family visitors, pumping, napping, resting... And when i am exhausted and think i can't go on any more, i get to the hospital and hold him and he charges my batteries and i think: "Okay, i can do this for one more day"
I have to take each day at a time. Any thing beyond the next day is too big for me to handle. And while he steadily improved, gaining weight, keeping his temperature, feeding by bottle, the nurses still don't give us anything more to go on than: "Maybe a couple more weeks"
i can't handle that big a time frame. So day by day is how we operate.
As of today, he's been in NICU for 18 days. He's gained 11 oz and is now 5lbs 6 oz! He is a free-range baby, the feeding tube is gone and he bottle feeds like a champion and last night we had a very successful nursing session. He's in a basinette in room temperature and has been able to maintain his body temp in the outside air really well.
A few days ago, as B-rad and i were heading to the hospital to visit Chewie, there were these amazing clouds in the sky, and as the sun was setting it really illuminated them perfectly with a sliver lining. B-rad stopped the car so i could take a picture.
To me, it was the perfect shot of our little one in Intensive Care. The hospital, the nurses, doctors and medical staff, not being at home with us - those were all the cloud. The fact that he's healthy and improving everyday and perfect in all other aspects and soo sooooo loved.... that was my silver lining.